It's Time to Get Angi a Seeing Eye Dog - ATS - 6.27.24

Another day, another ailment, as if I wasn't going to open these notes without talking about how they've rebooted Mr. Magoo and to be progressive, made him into a woman and cast Angi in the role. You see, our beloved hostess with the mostest is apparently actually lacking something and that is working eyes. That's right y'all, the bitch is basically blind. As you should know, the only thing holding together this Frankenstein mess is Gorilla Glue and a prayer because she apparently has no time to fill her doctor's appointments (there are too many good documentaries to watch on the couch.) Anyway, the reason they let this ocularly challenged woman onto the streets was she had gotten her nails done yesterday and was walking home. Normally, I'd make a joke about her stumbling because she was drunk but her needing a seeing eye dog and a cane is so much funnier. See, as she was coming down the street, she spotted a man carrying a cute little black puppy in his arms. Easily excited, Angi ran over and went to pet the dog when to her horror she realized that it wasn't a dog at all. For half a second, I almost went the route of that urban legend about the hairless rat but no, the man was not holding a dog. What he actually had wrapped around him was a canvas cross body bag. That's right, this dingdong attempted to pet a man's bag. Obviously, the dude was taken aback as he assumed this deranged older woman was going to rob him. This embarrassment was followed up with a slap in the face when Angi finally got home and was ready for supper (get it, cause she's old.) She ordered soup from a place 2 miles away and while watching the DoorDash app, noticed the driver was looping and going in circles. It took an hour and a half for the driver to arrive across the street and sit outside of a CVS. When he finally turned around and drove to Floptopia, he told her he couldn't find her house and then blamed the construction. The most egregious part though was when he told her "don't forget to tip" as he walked away. Marris suggested she should have just walked to get it but she couldn't because she needed to be home (see: she's lazy.) She was also forced to give him one star instead of zero and also tip ahead so she couldn't give him nothing for bad service. You will be happy to know she did complain to DoorDash and explained her soup being late was totally going to ruin the tour (if you don't get that joke, watch more entertainment news.)