This is just a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting, funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast of today's show. However, if you're looking for a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
Oh, would you look at that, it's Monday ... again. Well, at least it will be nice outside so let me just take a peek at the calendar and.... OH GOD, OH NO, OH JEEZ, it's almost the end of April and you know what that means!!! Cicada Watch is about to shift over to Cicada Warning!!!! That's right, as early as the end of this month to around mid May, the cicada summer of hell will finally kick off. They are apparently waiting for the ground soil to hit 64 degrees and those conditions are almost right. In our very own state, the ground is filled with trillions of them and they are ready to burst out and annoy us or something. The thing is we are one of the few places where there will be a massive influx and even though Marris is beyond disgusted by the concept, some people are actually looking forward to it. That's right, cicada tourism is a thing and it is booming. In fact, one mother in the PNW has "listen to cicadas" on her bucket list and so she will be making the trip to see them here. Another person was quoted as saying they too have booked a hotel weekend to see what all the fuss is about. I'm also hearing rumors that popular Twitch streamer Shmeddy and his Shmesties are currently planning a road trip to look at these stupid things. Here's the thing that they are all going to learn though is that most of these gazillions of cicadas are going to be situated in Central Illinois. You know, Central Illinois where literally nothing is happening and they apparently have no booze or food. Marris did let us know that it does have Big Al's strip club. While he wouldn't divulge what kind of nonsense goes down at Big Al's aside from you just needing to go there, Angi explained she once went to a strip club that was covered in beer cars and all the strippers were pregnant. Had those strippers already had the babies and were covered with c-section scars and bullet hole wounds, I would have assumed she was talking about Skybox (it's in Harvey, it's ... an event.) Still, Marris is our survivalist guide to the cicada threat and he had some input for us. First, he was shocked that someone wanted to come hear the cicadas as they are very loud, comparable to a jet engine (why does this sound like our shows patented misinformation?) He also let us (and the cicadas) know that he has yet to fix his screens so if they are looking to get in and fill the condo with eggs, the time is now. Before putting our cicada paranoia to bed, we also got a few more tips. You want to put cheesecloth on your bushes (giggle) and trees. It keeps them from laying eggs and lets your bush breathe (so does not wearing underwear and yet....) Also, wrap your hair up because remember, they will fly into it. Lastly, invest in some earplugs for the jet engine sounds during the day, at night they are not as loud so you can sleep (just not with the windows open.)
Other Stuff from Today's Show
Now, Angi probably didn't realize it because she is too good for horror movies but it is essentially halfway to Halloween. That's why this story kind of works because it's truly a kind of horror story. A guy went on Reddit recently to say that he bought a house and there is a door in his basement. This was hidden behind a metal cabinet at the end of a hallway and it definitely does not lead outside but he's not sure what is sitting just beyond it. Weirdly enough, he does not intend to discover what is behind that door for numerous reasons. (I'm assuming the first reason is because he saw the movie Barbarian.) His stand out reason though is actually because whenever his dog approaches it, it starts to freak out. He also feels that regardless of what answers lie just beyond the door, it will not be any scarier than the sensation of knowing THERE IS A BLOCKED SECRET DOOR IN YOUR BASEMENT!!! Obviously, since we were discussing it, we attempted to discern some ways to alleviate this while also asking the tough questions. For example, how the hell do you sleep in the house, especially at night, knowing that something lies behind a hidden door below you. We also figured he could round up a posse to open it or livestream the opening (think of the likes he'll get when he's eaten by the monster behind it. Perhaps he could call the former owners and you know, ask why there is a door in the basement? Marris though is clearly the bravest of the three of us because he would just walk up and open the door, not knowing if just beyond it was human body parts in jars, dead bodies or (Spoiler for Barbarian.) If the dog is afraid though, Angi would be putting the house up on the market. Also, what if you call your friends or the cops to open it and then the ghost gets them. Remember, everyone might have guns off Tinder but those go right through spirits. Angi also believes that aside from ghosts, there may be squatters or children under the stairs (so close to getting the movie title right.) Marris then rethought his strategy and would bring sage keepers of life (is this a thing, sure why not) to bless the house. Also, if you called the police and there was nothing there, they would just laugh at him. If you open it and find dead people, then call them. If you find treasure, you're in luck! Angi refused to get behind seeing dead people and would move out immediately because red flags include hidden doors or two separate closets with perfect asymmetrical portals to hell in them...wait....
Right then, from being attacked by cicadas and ghosts, we move on to the Daily Discussion Topic where animal attacks were next on the docket. As we learned last week, Marris finally settled on his anywhere in the world trip and it is to Tanzania. While discussing it, Angi "mistakenly" told him to go play in the hippo pools. After realizing hippos eat people, she still continued to push the narrative. However, it seems hippos are not the animal we truly need to worry about as that honor belongs to deer. That's right, Bambi and friends are deadlier than Jaws. In fact, last year there were only 2 shark attack deaths in the U.S. and 440 deaths caused by deer. Angi explained that back in Minnesota, deer would do death runs in the middle of the night and just throw themselves in front of cars (for the insurance.) However, hitting them also means that you usually go flying through the windshield so speeding up as Marris suggested is not the move. So there we have our topic for the day, what was a crazy or dangerous animal encounter that the roadies had? Angi was almost killed by a raccoon like two weeks ago, as you should recall. It apparently dropped its crack pipe and was looking for it outside the iHeart building. Marris too has a racoon story as he once hit one the size of a dog. After sending that one to trash heaven, it's cousin or buddy came through to raid Marris' garbage and jumped out and snarled at Marris before returning to collecting dinner. Angi once got stung by a school of baby jellyfish through her wet suit which explains that fetish video I once saw.... I've been heavily clawed by a cat and bitten by a dog but that is the extent of my animal encounters so lets move to the Request Line and the roadies. Mary was driving on a winding road when a deer came up to the side of her car and chased it. It kept pace and raced her, freaking her out as it followed her speeding and slowing. Eventually she ended up taking a left and the killer deer got bored and returned to the woods. Angi, of course, felt like this sounded like a horror movie because she does not watch horror. James was 5 years old and playing in the yard when his mom saw a snake. It was an 8 foot boa constrictor that the neighbor had as a pet and released. When the police arrived, they shot it because of course they did. Mike (or was it Dale) called with an "and then" tale as long as time. The short of the long was he forgot to lock up his garage and a possum got in and went wild (if you want all the details, tune into the podcast. Spoiler: you don't.) Gary encountered 2 bear cubs and a momma when they crept up on his fishing. They did not give chase and seemed to be more curious about why he was there. Don was deer hunting from a tree when he was attacked by a snow owl that he ended up killing. Angi the animal activist was not happy about any of this. James was attacked by a beaver while kayaking after accidentally bringing it on board. If you are looking for more roadie thoughts or have your own, hit up our Facebook group (Angi Taylor Show) and drop us a comment.
Finally, it is no secret that Angi is a White Sox diehard but even she is having a tough time swallowing the current iteration of the team. The Sox lost yet again and have picked up a record for the worst stats in MLB history. They are 1 of 12 teams since 1901 that have won 3 or fewer games in the first 21 games of the season. They are 3 and 18 at the moment and Marris couldn't help but cheer. The only worse off teams were 2003 Tigers who went 2-19 and the orioles who went 0-21 once. Angi was also mad at Marris for pointing out there was a few game stretch of shutouts as well. In these 21 games, they have only scored 45 runs overall which is the worst offensive start in club history. Marris did have a piece of good news to make things better in that they have the 3rd best farm system currently. Angi capped this descent into sadness by explaining how her bestie's 16 year old son is a superstar at baseball and after attending the game the other day said "this is embarrassing, I should be playing for the team." On a final up note, at least they have some banging food options this season.
Request Wars 3.5
Theme: Girl Band vs. Guy Band
Current Champion: Marris (1x)
Angi's Song Choice: “The Red" by Chevelle
Marris' Song Choice: "I Miss the Misery" by Halestorm
Winner: Marris
10 O' Clock Toast:
Toastee: 2 Drunk Vultures
Two vultures were recently discovered and thought to be seriously ill but it turned out that they were just two drunk to fly. It seemed that during a dumpster dive, they got into something fermented and it made them drunker than Angi on a day that ends in day. To cap this, Marris explained his favorite hangover breakfast and I showcased that I'm the town drunk.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
"If there's a pretty animal attacking me, it's going to be dinner." - Marris