This is just a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting, funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast of today's show. However, if you're looking for a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
Well today was certainly eventful for many different reasons. I mean, it is Chainsaw Friday as always but apparently, you are supposed to go out and cut the snow with it because we are in the third circle of winter hell currently. It seems though that this brush with the ghost of winter we thought passed was brought in with show friend Michael, who was in the studio today to hang from Denver. Funny enough, Michael and his fiance play a part in this talking point as Angi, Marris, Michael, his fiance and the boss all went out to dinner last night. As we all know, Angi's version of dinner is usually drinks and she had her fill of them. After downing enough spicy margaritas for me to stop questioning the handle of Captain Morgan White I keep on my nightstand, she got her Uber home but realized mid ride she needed to pee. Not one to waste money for a clean up fee, she opted not to pee in the car but used her self control for a sprint through the house when she got home. Settled on the seat, she unleashed Niagara Falls and once relief had finally come, she looked in horror when she saw the toilet paper roll was on empty. However, a quick wipe was needed and so she reached for the most reasonable substitute, which happened to be a Kleenex. Now, if you've been listening to the show recently, you're going to know where this is going (because Marris sure did.) Angi has a, let's call it obsession, with Puffs Plus with Vicks Vaporub. As the horrifying reality settles into your mind, I can confirm that she had wiped herself with that. The fire was almost instant, there was no cool wintergreen mint sensation, just the charring fires of Hades himself. I don't remember who suggested it (it might have been Michael) but it was akin to her curtains smoking a Newport. She started screaming, which sent Jay the straight running in to figure out what fresh ailment had befallen his dingbat wife. Obviously, she was in shock and couldn't believe it as well as wondering what was wrong with her. Marris was in shock but also suggested she should have gone to the bathroom like he did as he was leaving. Angi tried to use the "Uber was right there" excuse but she could have probably told him to wait. Either way, the reality was Jay the Straight ended up having a good night last night because Angi cleaned up with mouthwash essentially (her words, not mine btw.) We also learned that while you shouldn't wipe with Puffs Plus with Vicks Vaporub, you can also use the toilet paper cardboard tube roll for dabbing. I swear, every day this bitch just gets messier and messier.
Other Stuff from Today's Show:
Speaking of learning, this morning we learned another Marris fact (it's like an onion, all these layers) while discussing a dumb viral beauty hack. Obviously, viral social media things fall into one of two categories. There is the brilliant like Shot & Slap which we need to somehow steal this summer and the awful like eating Tide Pods. This trend has yet to showcase if it is delightful or dumb but it involves Tiktok (because of course it does) and broccoli. Apparently, broccoli freckles is a hot new trend that is sweeping the beauty world. You use the broccoli to smother in the makeup and then stamp it on your face to create realistic looking freckles, which are apparently in now. This upset Angi, who cried freckle appropriation seeing as she was marginalized (always the victim) her whole life for having them. This faux freckle hack has her mad but Marris is confused as he has never seen Angi's freckles. This is because she uses more makeup than he has ever seen to conceal them daily and went extra hard today so Michael wouldn't realize he's in the studio with the Crypt Keeper. Apparently, wanting freckles is not something that is unheard of as they make freckle pens already but those can not fully match the randomness of the broccoli and therefore aren't as viable for faking freckles. As an influencer who discussed the trend said, broccoli freckles are fun, easy, fast and random. So if you want to look like Howdy Doody, go run to Jewel and stock up on some broccoli. As I said though, this was less about Angi complaining about another thing being taken from her and more about Marris, who revealed he was once attacked by a freckle-faced freak for attempting to comfort the outcast. After the kid was called "poop stain" by little bastards, Marris went over to see if the kid was all good. Apparently though, he picked the wrong opportunity for good samaritan as the kid ended up swinging a big rock that Marris could not matrix dodge in his direction and it connected with his head. The bullied brat was not going to allow anyone else to make him their bitch and Marris got stitches. The reality here though is this kid used prison tactics, taking out the biggest kid in the bunch to assert dominance and in turn, no one is messing with him anymore.
Though the next bit is about fashion (turn to the left ... RIP Bowie,) we did get some tidbits about show friend Michael when Angi discussed her wedding date being May 14th(which will hopefully see this snow melted by.) Michael is also due to be married this year on May 14th by coincidence and he also has a frenchie/boston mix dog like Angi. Though none of this is relevant to the Project Runway dissection of dating below, it felt worth adding it to the convo. The question turned toward first dates and how Marris would react if the girl showed up wearing a full tracksuit. As long as she is hot, smart and funny, the clothing can be overlooked. Michael agreed, saying the looseness of the suit is nice. However, only 13% of people agreed with Marris and 31% said it would be a deal breaker. Now we get to the meat of this topic, fashion deal breakers. If you show up rocking like a Toby Keith shirt and have a love for country, Angi is out. For Marris, if he sees her in camo, it's over. He would make an exception if she's in the military but that's about it. As for Michael, he's not digging bell bottoms. This is of course hilarious because Angi wears bell bottoms (but she's also like 90.) Here's some more from a given list along with input from the three studio peeps.
- All labels everything: This is a red flag that they are either a poser or can't afford what they're wearing. Money is wasted here.
- Crocs: We got three no's from the studio crew.
- Oversized sunglasses at night: Another set of three nope's.
- Anything with oversized logos: Yeah, no.
- Way too tight shirts: Marris said a lady in a tight shirt is great but Angi is not having men looking like Under Armour sausage cases.
- Ankle socks and sneakers: This is fine
- Ripped skinny jeans: We got a split here with the men saying it's fine and Angi saying no way. Angi doesn't wear them but will wear ripped jeans. Marris' ass and thighs are too big for skinny jeans and Michael has no ass to fit into them.
Finally, at a concert the other day, Tom DeLonge from Blink 182 (or is it Blink 183?) ended up suffering from heat stroke. He walked off stage, puked and then eventually came back to finish the show. There was a discussion of like was he dead, do they just keep going and make it work which makes total sense. However, Blink are absolute professionals and made the missing member bit work very well. I made a point of this story though because we got an Angi and Michael heat stroke story in it. Angi talked about how she suffered from heat stroke after soaking up rays at the beach all day. Going to see a neighbor to collect a debt, he ended up feeling faint, peeing herself and passing out. Though it was heat stroke, the neighbor probably told Angi's mom that she was on meth. As for Michael, he had a bout of overheating this very morning when coming to the studio. After not being let right in and dressed to the nines, he overheated from his walk and was forced to throw up outside the iHeart building before composing himself and coming up for the show.
Don't Kill Angi Weekly Recap:
Mon: Angi recovered from too much green beer, wine, weed and chicken
Choice: N/A
Result: With yet another successful Kegs & Eggs event under the belt, Angi was tipsy on Friday but did not want to let the party end. What ended up occurring was a whirlwind weekend of green beer, bottles of wine, too much weed, naked fried chicken eating, lots of Netflix watching and a hangover so bad, she could barely move so the day was simply rolled into the long weekend. (N/A)
Tue: Angi was forced to group shower at iHeart
Choice: Brett had Angi decide to shower with Fred from The Fred Show.
Result: Because any idea that gets floated past the bosses seemed to be worth exploring, iHeart decided that water conservation was going to be the big issue that they would attempt to tackle. This meant that the singular showers situated inside the iHeart gym were now turned off and after the bulldozing, all that was left was one massive group shower. Angi, not known for her fitness prowess these days, had just decided to work out one day a week when the new rules had gone into effect. Angi assumed if she had done her workout early enough, she would be able to avoid her co-workers and so a 4 A.M. workout was put into place. Since the show started at 5 A.M., she had a chance for a quick rinse and would be fresh and ready for the show. Unfortunately for her, as Angi entered the showers, she noticed that Fred from The Fred Show was holed up and getting soapy in the open space. Angi immediately found herself horrified and disgusted, the whole situation being made worse by Fred making eyes at Angi. Not willing to go through the torture that was showering with Fred, Angi decided to put an end to the nightmare as fast as possible. Putting a towel over her head, Angi slid down under one of the showers and allowed it to rain down over her. The handmade waterboarding worked as intended, only instead of allowing her to catch her breath on occasion, she maintained her position under the water until she ended up suffocating. (Dead)
Wed: Angi set up a shot and slap booth
Choice: Jim had Angi decide to offer a Cubs shot and slap.
Result: Inspired by the bartender who was making more money than most iHeart employees during Spring Break by simply slapping them, Angi decided to steal the idea for herself. At worst, she would be sued for gimmick infringement but she figured if she switched things up a bit, she would be fine. After setting up a booth outside of the iHeart building, Angi was ready to go. She assumed charging $30 for a shot and a slap was perfect and to make the theme just different enough from the original incarnation, Angi made it baseball based. This also allowed her to add an extra $30 uptick if the customer wanted a Cubs shot. Still, the fact that the Cubs were offered as an option as well was not sitting well with the baseball divided city. As the first customer approached, they offered Angi $60 and she had to swallow her pride while yelling "Go Cubs," before tossing a shot down the guy's throat and slapping him. This caused a bit of pandemonium though and the Sox fans who had been hiding in the shadows came out to fight. However, these were the diehards who went to every game which meant it amounted to like 7 people. As the Sox fans went after the crowd of Cubs fans, Angi grabbed the $60 and ran off, free to attempt another money making stunt some other day. (Alive)
Thur: Angi wanted to use kitchen toys in the bedroom
Choice: Jonathan had Angi decide to put the meat tenderizer into the bedroom.
Result: Though it seemed like a bad idea when she discussed it on the show, Angi was always a freak at heart and spicing up the bedroom with kitchen toys seemed worthwhile. She wasn't going to have Jay the Straight put a spice rack inside her but a little light play with utensils wasn't off the table. Waiting until darkness covered the house, Angi and Jay the Straight made the way to the bedroom with a meat tenderizer. After a little bit of back and forth as Jay the Straight was confused with what to do with said object, Angi suggested light massage play. Still not entirely onboard, Jay the Straight went with it and told Angi to lay on her stomach. Plopped down in front of him, he pulled out the meat tenderizer and used it to slowly pound down on Angi's backside. While the desired effects weren't terribly impressive, things were working and Angi suddenly felt something come over her. It was a tickle that led into a full blown body jerk, one so forceful it sent Angi's leg upward and she kicked Jay the Straight in the mouth. The blow was enough to send Jay the Straight flying as well as the meat tenderizer, which left his grip and did an impressive dive into the air. Equally impressive was the way gravity brought it back down onto the back of Angi's skull, crushing it and causing her to regret having fun with kitchen utensils as she bled out onto the floor. (Dead)
Fri: Angi wanted to do a winter activity
Choice: Ryan had Angi decide to go ice fishing.
Result: Even though third winter was nothing more than one last push by mother nature to cool the planet before so on fire bro summer, Angi found herself compelled to participate in something wintery. Seeing as she had to endure yet another dragging by Minnesota Barb, Angi decided to take a page from her playbook and do a little ice fishing. Obviously, Angi had not anticipated waking up to a white Christmas at the end of March, she found herself holding a pole in booty shorts and tank top. Still, she was determined to make things work and so Angi went out to the lake and carefully made her way across the ice. The problem though was that the ice was thinner than Oprah and as Angi slid across a few feet, she realized that it was cracking underneath her. Before she could even attempt to pivot and head back to shore, the ice gave way and she went into the water. Angi though was a trooper and had extensive swim training which meant she could easily make it through the cold water and back onto dry land. However, as she started to swim, the all too familiar sound that she had grown to hate surrounded her. Greg the Third Winter Frozen Freshwater Ice Shark was behind her and then upon her. As she went under the frigid waters, the shark chomped her in half as all of its cousins had done plenty of time before. (Dead)
Request Wars 3.5
Theme: Battle of the Lollapalooza Bands
Current Champion: Angi (2x)
Angi's Song Choice: “The Rock Show" by Blink 182
Marris' Song Choice: "Pass the Nirvana" by Pierce the Veil
Winner: Marris
10 O' Clock Toast:
Toastee: Rural Porn
Just put it away right now because this is not what you think it is (trust me, Marris and I were disappointed as well.) Rural Porn is a subReddit dedicated to pictures of man made things in rural settings. This is totally G rated where the G stands for God. Feel free to send any complaints about unspent seed to Angi for this C tease (the c stands for crap.)
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
"It's not salt in that little baggie mom." - Angi
"I've been doing the whole show with my legs spread open for everybody." - Angi
"Trashbag Taylor, call her 'The Printer.' You gotta bang it, that's the only time she works." - Minn Barb
New Head Roadie Alert! Congrats Billy - Head Roadie of Car Hauling
New Head Roadie Alert! Congrats Caesar - Head Roadie of Pro Gamers