Photo: Flickr RF
This is just a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting, funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast of today's show. However, if you're looking for a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed)
Oh God, a long holiday weekend is upon us which means that there's no way you're reading this (maybe you are on Monday while you're hungover and waiting to start day drinking again.) For some people, this is an excuse to get the hell out of town and if that is the case, you need to have left today between 10 A.M. and Noon in order to beat the rush (though who is driving anywhere, gas is more expensive than an entire party at this point.) Speaking of holiday traffic, it's so bad over in The Hamptons that rich people have come up with a creative way to keep from peeing while sitting in traffic. The hot new medical procedure is prostatic artery embolization (PAE) which reduces the size of the prostate in dudes. As for the ladies, they are getting botox up in their area to also solve their need to pee. Apparently, this issue is so prevalent that people tend to have to stop 4-5 times on their drive to soak up the sun and burn $100 bills to light their joints. Abe suggested that these rich bitches just use a Gatorade bottle and that women break out the Shewee so they can join in on the fun. Of course, this was all a thinly veiled way for Abe to yell at truck drivers who pee in bottles as is and then proceed to throw them out the window of their trucks onto the side of the road. The problem is they don't put the cap on the bottle or something (I just assumed they threw a bottle at Abe, I know I would.) After the complaint, we took a small detour into womens anatomy as Abe attempted to figure out where the botox for women is done. It could be the lips, the taint, he was unsure what else is going on down there. However, if you're a woman who wants bladder botox, just know that it only lasts 6-12 months. In a relatively smart decision, Angi & Abe decided they perhaps don't need this type of procedure as holding in your pee doesn't sound right. In fact, Abe has nice movement down there on both fronts. The pair spend all morning drinking water in the studio so that stimulates the peeing. However, Abe also drinks iced coffee and eats Swedish Fish which turns all of his bathroom breaks into an emergency. He's not as bad as the building worker known as Sir Dumps Alot, who is in there 7-12 times a day but it's pretty bad. Angi couldn't wrap her head around why mens innards are always rotting (coffee, mayo and sub sandwiches tend to do that dear.) As for Abe, if one bathroom is destroyed, at least he has his backup on the 27th floor, which is gross but also usually empty. Boy, this topic took a whole trip around the sun, didn't it?
Other Stuff from Today's Show:
As I pointed out earlier, vacation and party time is officially here. For some people, they go out of town, others staycation because everything is expensive. Still, there are others who decide to go on a Carnival Cruise, have a threesome and then cause a huge brawl. A video currently circulating the socials happens to show a 60 person melee on the dance floor of this particular cruise. Funnier yet than it being on a ship is that it took place at 5:20 A.M. in a nightclub. The best though is the catalyst, which was a threesome that ended up with someone who shouldn't have (or didn't get permission to indulge) getting caught. It initially began with just two people on the dance floor but fighting is (sexy) contagious and so others jumped in as well. As for the reason for this fight, Abe immediately said that there's a ton of threesomes on cruises and there might actually even be straight up swingers cruises. Back to the fight itself, there were tons of broken beer bottles and one woman got sliced by one. In fact, most of the injuries from the melee all involved cuts from the broken glass. Now back to the threesome, if you're going to have one, everyone should probably all be in agreement to it. These two attempted to speculate exactly who the problem was. It felt like they were playing a game of Clue as they ran down the list. Was it the partner of the guest star in the threesome? Was it three different people in three different relationships? Was the original girl in the threesome mad at the guest star? Bored of this, we moved on to a game of "What If?" involving Jay the Straight, Abe's girlfriend Cathy Tropicana and Tommy Lee. In this scenario, Angi, Abe and Tommy's piece all go nuts about the banging. However, if the table was flipped, Abe would not want in on it but Angi definitely would. This finished with a discussion about the dong sizes of Jay the Straight and Tommy Lee because of course it did. Abe had to make sure his final say on this was that Jay the Straight is known for the size of his piece. And with that, my notes are done for the week and I'm thankful for that because reliving this means I need to double the "sus" shots I'm about to take.
Request Wars 2.0
Champion: Abe (Streak: 4)
Angi's (repping Lance) Song Choice: "Looks That Kill" by Mötley Crüe
Abe's (repping Sandy) Song Choice: "Out Ta Get Me" by Guns N' Roses
Smack Talk Recap:
Lance is pumped for the stadium tour next Friday so he needed some Crüe today. Sandy, on the other hand, picked a song you'll never hear on the radio. Abe is getting excited, he's close to taking down his own 7x streak to become the official GOAT. Also, Sandy loves to dress as Guns N' Roses for Halloween because she is a real fan who likes real fans (sure, why not.)
Winner: Abe
Don't Kill Angi Weekly Recap:
Angi's Getting Ready for Her Fourth of July Party
Mon: Angi wanted to go to a neighborhood fireworks display for inspiration
Erin had Angi decide to go to the West Town fireworks display and it was a crazy show. The skies were lit up like the Outkast song "Bombs over Baghdad," which is ironic since that was also playing on the loud speakers. It was truly wild and crazy, Angi was feeling a rush of inspiration. However, for reasons that are apparent to no one else, she had decided to empty ten cans of Aqua Net into her hair and wore a cotton jumpsuit to the show. As she danced under the fireworks, someone fired a Roman candle in her direction (let's assume it was Todd.) The moment a lick of that glowing flame blew past her, she caught fire and was lit up in an instant. She started to run around on fire (forgetting to stop, drop and roll) and it was a beautiful sight to see the human torch. Consumed by the flames, Angi collapsed on the ground and the fest goers used her burning flesh to roast marshmallows. (Dead)
Tue: Angi wanted to stock up on illegal fireworks
Kevin had Angi decide to buy "Shout at the Devil" dynamite. It actually looked quite dangerous and the bundle was heavier than Vince Neil. She lugged the kit into the yard and decided to test it out just in case anything went wrong before the big party. After setting one off, the packaging exploded like an overstuffed sausage casing and sent a blast into her flop house. Within seconds, the whole newly renovated house was ablaze and Angi bolted for the door. She needed to save both her dogs as the fire consumed the cheap building materials used to hold up the walls. However, as she was safe in the yard with the dogs, it dawned on her that she had forgotten something. She had accidentally left Jay the Straight in the basement because he was watching an episode of Monday Night Raw from 1988 with headphones on. Unfortunately, Jay the Straight died in the fire but Angi lived! (Alive)
Wed: Angi wanted to hire a house band for the party
Ken had Angi decide to hire Lynyrd Skynyrd as her house band. What was left of the band arrived all decked out in American flag shirts, they all looked so patriotic. After setting up, they played their first song and then announced that they were taking a quick break. Angi doesn't seem to notice as she was busy cosplaying as a good hostess. Realizing that the chips and dip needed a refresh, she headed into the house for more. Once inside though, she smelled something, oh that smell, she knew too well. She peeked in on the jobber bathroom but saw that the door was still open and the room was empty. Still, that smell surrounded her and she headed into her bedroom. As she walked in, she immediately spied Johnny Van Zant sitting on her toilet, door wide open with a cigarette in his mouth. That smell was exactly what she expected and furious, she charged into the bathroom. Yelling belligerently, she started to attack Johnny Van Zant, who was also strung out and couldn't fight back. She grabbed him by the head and dunked it in the toilet, holding it down until he drowned. Knowing that no one else was going to use this bathroom, she left the body there and returned back to the party unphased. (Alive)
Thur: Angi wanted to hire a magician for the party
Shanna had Angi decide to hire Criss Angel to turn tricks at her party. He actually was putting on an amazing show even though no one could understand what he was mumbling. In fact, the entire party was quite pleased with the magic he was using to mind freak them. After 45 minutes, he was ready for his grand finale and he invited Angi onstage to do the final trick. He said some magic words and waved his hands and Angi disappeared into thin air. The crowd went absolutely nuts, hollering, throwing their drinks and happier than they had been before it started. Angi was gone and everyone could not have been happier for that to have occurred. In fact, Jay the Gay and Jay the Straight seemed to be the loudest supporters of this happening. Jay the Gay was thrilled that he didn't have to deal with her yelling anymore. Jay the Straight was happy that he could now go out and get a 24 year old girlfriend. (Dead)
Fri: Angi wanted to get an insulting food truck for her party
Ally had Angi decide to hire The Weiner Circle to cater the party. The food was fantastic and the insults were absolutely brutal. However, the party was not having the insults and they started to get mad. This anger turned into a riot and the guests started beating up the food truck staff. There's stabbing, shooting, fireworks, some guy even had a spear. Angi saw this occurring and decided to lead a charge against the food truck workers. She gathered up her 300 guests and they went to battle for 30 days and nights. When the dust settled, the food truck jobbers stood tall on top of the bodies of Angi and all her guests. (Dead)
10 O'Clock Toast:
The Roadies.
A shout to anyone who has listened to this old bitch yapping for the last 26 years.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
"People who throw stuff out the window, you're trash, I hate you." - Abe
"Oh, there's going to be blowing, you're going to Taylor's party." - Minn Barb
New Head Roadie Alert! Congrats Tara - Head Roadie of Long Term Disability
New Head Roadie Alert! Congrats Bob - Head Roadie of Kicking Ass
PSA's:
PSAbe: Never swipe your card into a random person's square.