This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
For whatever reason, Abe decided that this morning was a perfect time to go into a diatribe. This one was about the biggest a-holes in cinema history. All the usual suspects were on this 3 person list. There was Bob fromLa Bambabecause he was a dirtball. Next up, Grandpa Joe fromCharlie and the Chocolate Factorybecause he was a lazy, no good, piece of trash who laid around until he got offered free candy. The biggest though in this mental exercise, Jenny fromForrest Gumpbecause she's a liar who gave Forrest AIDS and faked the kid being his. Abe's rage came from her laying with not only Forrest but every guy she could get her grubby paws on. This was clearly what gave her the HIV and in turn, she probably gave it to Forrest. After all, how else was she going to please that guy who is a little slow but worth millions of dollars. The discussion then turned to the alleged Forrest Jr., did Jenny have HIV before or after giving birth to the boy. After doing some sleuthing on Reddit, Angi was able to discover that according to them, she was back on the needle after the kid was born. It probably should be noted here that it's never explicitly explained in the movie why she is dying btw. I probably should have added a spoiler alert for the 6 people who haven't seen this movie yet. Regardless of what she had learned from fan theories, Angi was still on the Jenny banged Forrest when she had the AIDS train. Meanwhile, Abe was still hell bent on showing that the boy was not his son. Angi countered that Jenny might have been an absolute idiot but she did go on to star on House of Cards as the president later. Darn, another missed chance for a spoiler alert, OOPS. Anyway, Abe stayed hung up on Jenny laying with so many men (as he does when anyone does anything that isn't vanilla like him.) He continued to push the kid is not his son narrative while Angi rallied against it. Abe declared that Jenny was a piece of trash which led Angi to chastise him for disparaging the poor dead fictional character. Abe then suggested what he had been just fighting against, saying that Forrest should have banged everyone when he got rich. Angi said he should have gotten a vasectomy (ah, that sweet contest tie in.) Abe finished his rant by suggesting the only reason Jenny came back was because she wanted all that money. Roadie Tony (as well as Head Roadie Jim via Twitter) pointed out that in a second book written about Forrest Gump, it was stated explicitly that Jenny died of Hep C which she got from her drug use. Never one to let reality convince him otherwise, Abe ignored the death and went back to Forrest's supposed not kid. Abe complained how Jenny had laid with a bunch of "loose sticks" and Forrest was only able to throw his hotdog down that hallway once and boom, he knocked her up. This completely insane mess capped off by pointing out that the kid's name was probably Tim but his mom told him to lie and say it was Forrest Jr. when she met that simpleton.
All the Rest:
Sometimes I like to take things that are discussed in the earliest of the morning hours and turn them into a hodgepodge topic. Today will definitely be one of those days because there were 3 great small topic sections worth making into a notes point. Let's call it The Morning Banter Trilogy and if you are curious to hear them all in full, that's why we have a podcast. It began with a discussion that we are at the midway point of the week but it feels too long. The solution, switch to a 4 day work week. After all, everyone hates Monday right? Actually, Abe's idea was to drop Tuesday because it doesn't matter. If you are a regular you would know that Tuesday is easily the worst day of the week. Angi though had a better idea, how about we make it into a 3 day work week. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday only means more free time for the actual weekend and then a day to recover. What would these two degenerates do with all that free time? Well, if you guessed go to Vegas, you definitely are a regular to the show. As we all know, the two of them will die there one day so why not start rolling the dice early and just get it out of the way. This would be perfect for Angi because after Vegas, she needs a day to detox. She needs to dry out, find the voice she lost, use a magic eraser on her filthy body and of course, get her finances together and figure out how poor she is now. Abe though, he's perfectly fine flying in on Monday morning and going straight to the show. He always does everything last minute, even when he was doing school projects as a kid. How these two function makes no sense to me at all. Next up was a lil wrasslin' talk as this week, Angi and Abe are giving out tickets to Monday Night Raw (and the audience goes mild.) The way to win these tickets involves cutting a wrestler style promo. However, the meat of this segment piece was the discussion of just how awful "celebrities" truly are. Like how The Ultimate Warrior was the ultimate scumbag piece of garbage. Let's not forget that wretched old hag Moolah, who was a money grubbing pimp monster piece of work. Not related to wrestling but Angi also learned that Paul Walker was a garbage person. Capping off the three parter was a talk about bands and their big songs. Abe took a swing at amazing pixie Carly Rae Jepsen and her biggest hit "Call Me Maybe." Angi explained that when she was working at KISS and they had one of their big fests, she played "Call Me Maybe" another song and closed with "Call Me Maybe." It should be noted that via text, Angi told me she is an amazing sweet girl, which is awesome to hear because I find her to be fantastic. Anyway, Abe went on to explain how one hit wonder bands like Candlebox should play "Far Behind" at least three times. Open your show with it, slide it in the middle because it keeps the suspense and people won't go to the bathroom through your whole set and then close with it as well. I totally see where this is going, coming soon from the Kanan Kollection: One Hit Wonder Fest, where each band plays their biggest song three times and then leaves. Book it, run it, let's go get rich and then go to Vegas!
As you've more than likely read above, today's main point was all about hating and guess what, Angi was not done. In fact, in a twofer of topics, Angi hated on stuff back to back. It began with cicadas because Angi is all about attacking poor, harmless creatures. Abe chimed in before Angi could get to the point of why they were brought up by pointing out that they seem more active this year (mind you, ignoring that they haven't been active in 17 years but whatever.) They are climbing on necks (including the president) and are just being an absolute menace all around for fun. Angi brought up her bug hating because she was about to tell the story of how one flew into a car window the other day. Shocking the driver, it hit them in the face and they ended up crashing into a telephone pole. This led to a question to Abe as to whether or not he had even been involved in a car accident. After Angi got done chiding about Abe's inability to say canal properly, he explained how a semi once backed into him on Canal and Talyor. I should obviously point out that he was more outraged that Angi was giving him sass about the mispronunciation vs. him almost dying. It turned out the semi driver was looking to drop a load at Marshall's but instead he found Abe to be a more appealing substitute. It turns out that the guy also had shady insurance and when contacted, they only wanted to give Abe 60%. As for Angi, she's had only one crash and it was her fault because of course it was. That Taylor never can seem to do anything right. She had borrowed her roommate's car to go to work and while driving, she spun out on the ice and hit the median. Much like Abe's issue, Angi had an insurance problem as well, hers being that she had none and so they had to pretend the roommate caused the crash. It turns out that Abe had a second crash that he suddenly recalled. He was going out to see Danny Gaga on his "plantation" in Aurora and Abe ended up tapping him from behind. Wait, I'm just realizing that Abe wasn't talking about Gaga's car ... let's just forget this last part.
Finally, in the cavalcade of hatred's conclusion, Angi was out getting her nails "lined up" yesterday at the salon. Minding her business, she found herself suddenly enraged because Taylor Swift was playing. It should be noted that Angi absolutely hates Taylor Swift. The thing was though, her want to toss the cash register through the window was placated by the fact that they happened to be playing the one Taylor Swift song Angi likes. "Ready for It?," the single where she started to drift into a more hip hop infused vibe just gets Angi going. For this reason, things were okay and the rest of the visit went without incident. This whole ordeal made for an interesting topic in her mind. Is there an artist or band that you just absolutely hate that has a song that you love? Even though he probably only knows the one song, Abe hates Pooh Shiesty but can't get enough of his song "Back in Blood." Turning to the roadies, we got a few good ones. Jenna can't stand Kanye West (honestly at this point who can?) but she can't get enough of "Gold Digger." Schwagg can not stand Justin Bieber but he is all in on "Sorry." It should be noted by her overall excitement that Angi loves Bieber, enough to where even Schwagg had to tell her to settle down. Ashley can't stand Billie Eilish but "bury a friend" is her absolute jam. Abe had to chime in with what I assume is his only Billie Eilish knowledge which is that she bangs that hot piece brother of hers Finneas. Bruce is not a fan of Aerosmith but he sure does love "Dream On." This time around it was Abe who needed to calm down because he was shocked and could not handle it. As for me, I really had to consider this one but my hatred would be Creed. I feel like Scott Stapp is a drug addict loser but "Torn" is an absolute jam and "My Own Prison" is a song that reminds me of high school and I can still get down with it.
Current Champion: Matthew
Challenger Song Choice: "Stranglehold"
Champion Song Choice: "Escape from the Prison Planet"
Observation: There was actual kind of smack talk today but god, another Clutch song vs. that piece of garbage Ted Nugent...everyone should lose this.
10 o' Clock Toast:
Aaron Rodgers. He is single handedly dismantling the Packers and we love him for it.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "I wonder how many guys do that (you know, that) to your (Angi's) pictures?" - Abe
Quote: A new plantation, what the hell is wrong with you (Abe.)" - Angi
Quote: "Angi and I only deal with facts on the show." - Abe
Quote: "I don't need our listeners having a #MeToo moment because you (Abe) are assaulting them." - Angi