This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
So, even though we discussed food as a point earlier in the show, it was food that almost led to Abe's downfall yesterday and this needs to be discussed (because it's HILARIOUS.) So Abe was in Oak Lawn yesterday and there was a train that was absolutely hell bent on ruining people's days. You know, a 40 minute mess that wrapped all around the neighborhood and made it impossible for people to penetrate it. Undeterred, Abe decided to take advantage of the situation by hitting up the local Starbucks for a sandwich and a Refresher. If you are a listener of the show, you should know that any time Abe puts food inside his mouth, his stomach goes nuts. This was no exception and so a little while after driving along, Abe had to go. It was close enough that he felt he might join the SYP (Shhhh Your Pants) Club. Angi, who has no shame and is amazing for that reason, is a proud card carrying member. If it counts for anything, Abe has had "at least 500 emergency incidents in his life." Anyway, with the train blocking escape to a bathroom, Abe had to think quickly. Parking in the middle of the street, he put his flashers on and jumped out of the car and ran. He was angling for the Lou Malnati's but instead, he ended up in either a doctors office or physical therapy place. Luckily for him, there was no one at the desk and he made it just in time. As expected, this only gets more nuts as it goes along. Once done, Abe ended up clogging the toilet. However, lucky for him but not for us who love ridiculous stories, there was a plunger in the room. He went to work on the toilet like it was Stamos and he proceeded to jackhammer it something silly and it unclogged (boo!) After cleaning up his mess, he listened to see if anyone was coming but to make sure he was as suspicious as possible, he pulled an Abe Kanan stunt. Picking up his phone, he faked like he was on a call and talked as loud as possible, to the point of yelling as he exited the bathroom, ignored the more than likely confused front desk woman and made his way back to his car. The assumption was the lady at the front desk was too confused to call the cops or question him. Abe made sure to apologize on air to the place that he again wasn't sure if it was a physical therapy place or a doctors office. This led to the question of the morning, where is the weirdest place that you've pooped. A story was told of a co-worker who once went on vacation with his girlfriend, he didn't want to poop in the hotel room with her and he ended up either pooping on the floor or in her luggage (the exact location was unable to be recalled.) Angi told of her own induction into the SYP Club. She was on air, it was the end of the show and she just did not make it to the bathroom in time. So, she hopped in the car and went home, like a normal person would in her situation. Abe explained how he used to be afraid of public bathrooms as a kid and he would hold it all day. He also taught Angi a trick, if you need to poop, stick your finger in your belly button and it will keep you from going. Dr. Kanan is really blessing us with some knowledge these last few days I swear. Abe also explained that the smart way to sneak into a place you don't know and poop is all about confidence, fake like you're supposed to be there and you're gold it seems. Turning to the phones, Charlotte is a member of the SYP Club, she was with her girlfriends and got super drunk and followed it up with pizza and super spicy burritos. The next day she woke up to a brown town massacre in her bed. Tom told an incredible story about how his dad pooped himself at Best Buy and had to flush his underwear down the toilet while the employees turned the light off. Crypto Kevin once laughed in a Walgreens while on a date and sharted. Keith is a member as well but his story was about a friend in the army that accidentally ate berries covered in fire ants that caused an absolute stomach destruction. As for me, I'm a goddamn mess and used to drink too much, nuff said.
All the Rest:
Hey, I sure hope you're not eating when you're reading what I'm sure is the worst thing you'll probably read all day. We're going to talk about food (yum) and things that people have found in it (vomit.) This disgusting foray into hell was spawned by a simple question: what would you do if you were eating out and found a hair in your food? Half of people (aka people in their right mind) would stop eating and send the food back. Personally, I would throw the plate at them as I chugged water and spewed it all over the table. The thing is, 25% of people would keep eating after this disgusting discovery. If you are one of those 25%, what is wrong with you! (Yes, I'm judging you, you deserve it.) Anyway, we learned something about our beloved hosts today. If Abe found a hair in his food, he would keep eating because that is the true nature of a slob. If Angi was to find one, she wouldn't. Like, if Angi was to find a hair that was baked into her food, she would be absolutely appalled (as one should be.) In fact, one time Angi was out to lunch with a friend and she bit into a burger to find a bolt. It turns out that the kitchen was going through some repairs and opps, a bolt fell into the burger. How this went unnoticed is beyond me but gross. When telling the waitress about it, she sort of casually flipped her hair and said "oh yeah, we're doing construction." While in Vegas, Abe's friend found a hairnet in his egg foo young. Like he cut into it, there was a hairnet and instead of complaining, he dumped the food and grabbed another plate. Sidepoint, what is wrong with the people Abe associates with? If this had occurred for Angi, you just know she would have walked out and that would be the end of it. So, keeping the name hidden, Angi turned to the roadies to see what they found in their food. Head Roadie Troy once got breakfast with his mom and when she cut into a sausage patty, there was a worm in it. This is gross sure but that's not the vomit inducer in here. Jake had orange chicken at a place and he found a piece of cinnamon gum placed on his plate. Todd had some chicken nuggets forever ago and found a deep fried bandaid in them. This was a moment that allowed both our beloved hosts to emphasize that any person serving/cooking food should be wearing gloves. Roadie Bobby's dad once found a literal fish hook in his soup. The crazy part is he was eating chicken noodle soup.... Anyway, on to what happened to a friend of mine's friend, fair trigger warning because this is disgusting. They once bought some pączki's from a local place (vague for the sake, not a bakery.) When they got back to his place, the friend bit into what was supposed to be a strawberry pączki and instead got a mouth full of maggots. They were brought back to said place and replaced but when I heard about the incident, I'm not lying to say I was screaming. To this day, I feel compelled to pull open anything from a place that could have a maggot filled center and I won't buy anything bakery related from said place.
So, in news that will be absolutely shocking to no one who listens on a regular basis, Abe has yet to move into The Ivory Tower. What started as his dream place with a functional memorial Angi Taylor toilet has now turned into a never ending nightmare of issues. It started with carpet, which finally was dealt with but a new issue has arisen, a couch. It seems the couch he has just won't work for this expansive palace and so he's returning it. See, he insists on having a place to rest himself that is going to be comfortable and worth his time. He doesn't want to be one of those bed ridden slobs. Anyway, the reason this came up was Angi was curious as to whether or not Abe was going to have an apartment warming party. Of course not, was the answer she should have expected and ended up getting. This is Abe we're talking about, the man hates everything, including making plans. To assume he'd have any peasants over to The Ivory Tower was laughable at best. Anyway, had he decided to throw a party, Angi had prepared a list of ten horrible things guests do at parties. This was a Top 10 list that ended up getting cut short for time so you get what the listeners got.
10. Showing up and then asking if they can stay the night. - Angi explained there's a reason for Uber and this is it. Mind you she already forgot how yesterday we discussed her inability to get an Uber.
9. Not taking the hint that it's time to leave. - Angi is a cleaner, in that when she wants people gone she starts picking up. This is strange because most of the picking up that's usually being done is her off the floor.
8. Changing the channel on the TV without asking. - Well, this is just absolutely rude.
7. Farting in the house. - Angi says absolutely not. Abe explained that he will just crop dust people's houses. In fact, he was curious as to what the crop dusting studio in the iHeart building was because he's been using the empty one behind them. That said, an add on was to not use the bathroom for anything more than peeing if you're at a place for less than four hours.
Skipping to 1 because again, time constraint.
1. Wiping greasy hands on the couch. - Not only is this gross but if someone did that to my stuff, I'd kill them.
Finally, it's been a while since I ended on some Drunk Ninja News! but this is funny and it also allowed Abe to say dumb stuff so win-win. Over in Vancouver (Canada Abe, not Florida,) a woman was pulled over for drunk driving ... at 5 A.M. She failed the breathalyzer, field sobriety, etc. Nothing too ridiculous there but when she phoned a friend to come get her, a half hour later her twin sister showed up. Guess what, she was even more drunk than the first sister. That one also failed the breathalyzer and they both ended up getting DUI's. This led Abe to make a point about how all officers in Canada are on horses. This turned then to that time Angi almost got a ticket from Mr. Ed. Abe explained how he would never allow an officer on a horse to give him a ticket and would explain that he assumed the cop was joking. After all, who rides a horse? Then Abe explained how cops on bikes should not be taken seriously. They are just in character, much like country music fans. This was some backwards, delusional, off the wall, Abe Kanan thinking if I've ever heard some. The two things that we were meant to take away from this absolute insanity. 1) If you're pulled over for DUI, don't tell your drunk twin to come pick you up. 2) If you're pulled over by a horse cop, you can literally do whatever you want (according to Abe.)
Current Champion: Matthew
Challenger Song Choice: "Sound of Madness"
Champion Song Choice: "Burning Beard"
Observation: Another day, another Clutch song. "Can we swear?," well that started off delightfully. And then it went right off the rails because of course it did. "Can we curse on the air?" "Angi, can we swear on the radio?" This was a mess, the winner would have to be by song I'd hope.
10 o' Clock Toast:
Everyone that's hanging on by a thread. It's Mental Health Awareness Month and Angi wants a viking funeral.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "Hey Anthony, why don't you run a paper towel across your teeth?" - Abe
Quote: "If I wanna lose weight I can just eat fire ants?" - Abe
Quote: "I have a group of friends that arm wrestle each other in their 40's." - Abe
Quote: "I have no crypto, no Disney stock, no Apple, I have nothing." - Abe
Quote: "If you get pulled over by a horse cop, you can do whatever you want." - Angi as Abe
"You think that I'm a loser cause I'm in the Nightrain fan club?" - Abe
"No ... that's not it." - Angi
Sus Quote: "Hey Lyle, what do you look like? How tall are you?" - Abe
Tidbit: PSAbe: Hey, if you have kids, teach them how to buy stock and stuff or you'll end up like me. - Abe