Photo: Diamond Dogs / iStock / Getty Images
This is just a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting, funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast of today's show. However, if you're looking for a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
Middle of the week is the perfect way to segway into middle aged (well, maybe a bit older, the way things are sagging on Angi you'd think she's like 110.) This morning, we explored aging up by breaking out the good old Sarah McLachlan to backdrop Angi's newest feud. That's right, it's Angi vs. the USPS but not for reasons you would assume (and by that I mean it's more delusional than you could probably imagine.) Her ire was spawned from a (incorrect) belief that her mail people are trolling her because after checking the mail for the first time in 5 days, 13 of the 17 pieces of mail were from AARP. On the cover of this month's issue (I'm assuming they come monthly, old people like Angi die pretty fast so they need to pump those things out in short order,) was Kevin Costner (who was probably complaining how he lost his house financing a garbage project.) While crying that she didn't want to learn about how to fight "sitting disease," she then turned her ire from the post office to imaginary people who signed her old ass up for it. Of course, in a rare moment of lucidity in her early onset brain, it dawned on her that she may have actually signed up for it because of discounts. Though she hooted and hollered how she didn't want AARP and wasn't ready for it (see: she is,) she then found an article about puzzles and ways to help sugar cravings. Of course, we were back in the red once she stumbled upon the lightest mobility scooter (for those of you wondering, yes she was thumbing through the magazine on air, hence these weird jumping points.) Marris added that perhaps we should look into a mobility scooter because the last time she got on something with wheels, she almost fell into the Chicago River. We moved on then to an article on Marilu Henner and Jewel, who has great cans according to Angi. As Marris tried to explain to her that some of this stuff could be helpful, Angi turned more pages and yelled about tightrope artists and mariachi bands (I don't know if that was in the magazine or if she was having a senior moment.) After then going on about how she doesn't want to read articles from AARP (while reading articles from AARP,) she returned once again to blaming the postal workers for this nonsense. Marris, again attempting to be the world's best orderly when it comes to dealing with early onset patients, said she does have her supper at 4 or 5 P.M. because she's usually in bed by like 7. Somehow, this led us back to sitting disease (I know all of this reads like a jumbled mess but this is how it was on air so don't yell at me!) and how it diminishes brain function (like we have more room for that with her.) Then we were back to Kevin Costner again before settling on Angi probably needing a life alert bracelet and The Clapper as she tends to fall a lot since she's older than the first submarine (1620.)
Other Stuff from Today's Show
We actually got a sponsor for this morning's Daily Discussion Topic when PETA unwillingly (and without their knowledge,) endorsed something Angi came up with while smoking Cheetah Piss on her couch (sitting down obviously.) As you should know, Marris will be on a two week trip to Tanzania from September 8th until the 20th and this led Angi to Google animals found there and question if Marris could take them (as I said, she was high.) Wildebeest: Nope. Bat Eared Fox: No. Serval: Yes but that also went no after Angi explained the proper size of a serval. Marris could also not beat up a giraffe as they are "murder animals" according to him. They can kick you pretty hard and shatter your skull (though what a fun way to go out.) A monkey: no, they have insane strength and will rip your face off for no reason. Well now that we've discovered what Marris can't take, let's go to the list of what people said they could easily fight bare handed. A rat seems to be easy but clearly these people have never seen a Chicago style rat. A house cat, which Marris agreed with saying that he could just punch it in the face. A goose was up next and Marris was in agreement that it could get a beat down. A medium sized dog which Marris would throw down with if need be but somehow overlooked a dog being able to take a face off. Eagles have sharp talons so Marris was out on that one. A king cobra is going to bite you and probably kill you so no. Of course, we ended on kangaroos which have boxing gloves in their pouches and will drown you because they are evil. That spawned our actual question as if you couldn't guess what it was going to be which was what animal did the roadies think they could take on bare handed in a fight and win. Angi said a cat or squirrel initially before she came to an even better answer when we went to the Request Line. Marris settled on a dog and would dropkick a chihuahua. Uh huh, moving along we started with Teddy who said she thinks she could take down a prairie dog. Of course, this somehow pushed Angi to edit her answer and make it so that she could beat up a turtle, a snapping one at that mind you. Apparently she thinks she could just kick it and it would go flying like a football but she draws the line at trying to beat up the Ninja Turtles. Marris disagreed on the snapping turtle line as well and showed her that the thing would probably take her head off. Frank called to say he thought he could take a bear but eventually reduced it to a cub. Angi assumed that Frank figured he would be fighting Winne the Pooh. Alejandro called to talk about beating up a pit bull but couldn't stop himself from swearing so instead we discussed robbing Angi's house. If you want to break in and steal her stuff, bring a vacuum as her dogs are afraid of it (and might have a heart attack due to it since they're so old.) Brett thinks he could take a mountain lion because he saw some dude take one down in a viral clip. Angi and Marris do not think it's possible to beat one though. However, Brett is a former military and a police officer so he might be the man for the job. Head Roadie Billy said a pack of geese even though Angi warned that they are vicious and take man sized poops. If you are looking for more roadie thoughts or have your own, hit up our Facebook group (Angi Taylor Show) and drop us a comment.
Another day means another look at ridiculous retail items to close out these notes. We start with everyone's favorite fleshlight popcorn buckets that now have their next big one about to drop. After being able to abuse Wolverine's mouth from the Deadpool & Wolverine promotion, up next is Beetlejuice for the upcoming Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice movie. They will be producing three buckets for you to leave some "extra butter" in, starting with one shaped like the Handbook for the Recently Deceased from the original movie. The second one will be shaped like Beetlejuice's tombstone but the real prize is the third one which is shaped like a sandworm. In one of her many senior moments this morning (see above,) Angi forgot about the Dune sandworm bucket for a second and then came around to realize you could have matching fleshlights. Obviously the catch to be able to stick your eggplant in these buckets is you need to buy the popcorn but everyone is clearly showing up to abuse the bucket and not see the movie. Ironically, Angi is really excited for Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice and may actually go to the theater to see it and if she does, will gift Marris a sandworm bucket for his birthday. I should add that there is also an Alien: Romulus popcorn bucket coming as well for you kink boys who like a little teeth with your fleshlight. Here at the Angi Taylor Show, we are also contemplating offering a show centric one but sorry to get the hopes of all you horn dogs up because it will be molded after my face and not resident suck machine Angi.
Finally, Marris got glasses and now has been wearing cologne as of late but he swears it's not because he is nerd cool now but that he found one he likes. For those curious as to what scent he emits, that would be Miami Duppy done by the brand Scotch Porter. However, it seems we have found a scent Angi wants him to stink like as Knead, a cologne that smells like Auntie Anne's pretzels is coming soon. If not wanting to stink like yeast and a mall is your thing, Dolce & Gabbana is releasing Fefe, a cologne made for dogs. This musk and sandalwood fragrance will set you back $100 because it comes from a luxury brand and is not something Angi is getting behind unless you can spray it in the dog's mouth. See, her dog smells like a trash can and can not be fed a dental bite because if it did try to eat one, all its teeth would fall out.
Request Wars 3.5
Theme: Bands That Are Currently Touring
Current Champion: Marris (4x)
Angi's Song Choice: "Psychosocial" by Slipknot
Marris' Song Choice: "Welcome Home" by Coheed & Cambria
Winner: Angi
10 O' Clock Toast:
Toastee: Pitbull
Mr. 305 decided to get himself the naming rights to a stadium at a Florida university. The $1,200,000 deal is a year contract that extends for 5 (or was that 10) years. This inspired Marris to want an arena named after him and Angi wants the Colosseum named after her. There will also be daily fights between myself and lions there.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
"I don't want to learn how to fight against sitting disease!" - Angi
"I don't wanna read articles from AARP, I'm not there yet!" - Angi