This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
Another day, another Tik Toker going "viral" for something stupid (though this time, I personally stand behind this story because it amuses me endlessly.) Anyway, this girl named Molly Hair made a post about an accidental text she received. She was getting ready to go out on a date with a guy when he accidentally called her my favorite word. The accidental text was meant for a friend where he said that he was going out with this "C" and he "took a pinch for confidence." There was a small discussion as to what the pinch was though I'm sure it was more than likely alcohol and not salt, drugs or a love potion he concotted to make this girl fall head over heels for him. Anyway, he immediately realized his mistake in that she called her that amazing word and tried to apologize and say he was joking with a friend. Knowing he was way upSchitt's Creek(that's right, I worked around it using the TV show,) he said that he was just going to leave. He tried to explain that he just jokes too much and that he had said it to say it (which in my mind is an amazing excuse.) Either way, he tried to call her to explain himself but she was just not having it. Of course because he's a man and men are idiots, he did not take the hint. This led to him making more attempts to text her and come up with more elaborate apologies. Once all this was done and dead, he waited and tried to get a date a week later which died about as quick as you could imagine. Now, there is where Abe stepped in to offer advice to this jobber. What he needed to do was create an absolute aura of confusion to make her think that he didn't blatantly call her the world's greatest word. He decided to illustrate an example of how to fix a messed up text by using Angi's Request Wars player DJ Raz as an example. Let's assume that DJ Raz called Angi a word that slips off the tongue like a drip of fine rum. He would then need to send as many texts as possible afterward and start this chain of lies. Make it seem like it was a joke, pretend that it was someone else who said it and then gaslight Angi into believing that's what actually occurred. You see, Abe Kanan is a master liar and should not be trusted. After using his method, DJ Raz would look like a piece of garbage and then he would be dragged instead of Abe. Now, there is a way to make this even worse, if you feel like recovering from the smack talk is not possible, grab a friend and have them create a narrative. I was used in the next example, Angi would be dragged into Abe's ruse after he talked smack about me. He would have her change her name in her phone to DJ Raz and then send him a text where she smack talks me and Abe grabs a screenshot to send it to me to gaslight me to hate DJ Raz. So basically, Abe is a monster and should never ever be trusted.
All the Rest:
Well, things started good this morning (before devolving as usual) when it was announced at the top of the show that we may not see snow today, maybe some rain though. Abe was sad about this because he'd rather have a dusting of snow than November rain (some Guns N' Roses fan he is!) With the good news out of the way, Angi then broke the bad news that she might have an angry spider living in her bedroom. She's been apparently waking up with spider bites on her ankles and on her forehead. Normally this isn't an issue outside of the itching and the gross feeling knowing spiders are attacking you while you sleep. However, according to her sometimes these head wounds can get bloody. Abe decided to make things much worse by suggesting that perhaps it's not a spider doing Angi in but a rat. As Angi Amazoned a can of gasoline and some matches to burn down her house, Abe tried to pull a Sarah McLachlin sympathy move with her. Apparently, he saw a fat rat limping by recently and it made him feel bad. It was taking it's disgusting disease-covered body across the street and trying to keep from being run over. This is a weird thing to feel sad about because all I could think about as he mentioned it was how much easier it would be to behead a wounded rat with a shovel. Angi then added that not only is her house apparently infested with rats but so is the iHeart parking garage. In the turn around of the iHeart parking garage there are a ton of pillars. It seems that the rats will find the cracks in those to run and bury themselves in when given the chance. A viable suggested solution was to stuff some dynamite or a grenade in them to solve the problem but I was thinking that this would probably end up leading to a Don't Kill Angi scenario.
Finally, guys love to obsess over things because we're idiots and women, well they just don't care. Angi decided to take back the power this morning and show us what women truly care about and help us not buy into the stupid ideas we fill our heads with. For example, women do not care what you look like, to them it is more important that you have a job. So, with that in mind, let's look at a list of things we obsess over that Angi is here to debunk. Hairlines - Angi herself is married to a baldie so this alone should show you that "no hair, don't care" is a proper statement. Abe happens to think that Jay the Straight's bald head is beautiful (totally agree) but (as there's always a but) if he looked a different way it would be off putting. For example, if Jay the Straight was rocking the Costanza, it would be awful. Angi explained though that if your hair is a mess like that, you can shave it and not have the problem. If you're worried about losing your hair, you should not care. Cars - this is totally a guy thing and women do not care about how your car looks. What they are seeking is someone who doesn't have garbage bags for windows and the floor lined with trash. Angi (most other women, people in their right mind) does not like a dirty car so make sure yours is always clean, you never know. Being Jacked - sure, everyone can appreciate being in shape or getting in shape but let's be realistic, muscle dudes are super vain and high maintenance. You should realize by now that dad bods are in and great. Speaking of great, Abe feels that this list so far is amazing. As long as you're not a balding slob who doesn't have a dirty car, you're in pretty much. Junk Size - Abe took issue with this because he said Angi and her fellow ladies will dump all over it. They laugh and giggle, they are awful! According to Angi, as long as it's not a micro or you can't climb it then you're good to go. Like if you whip out a huge hog, Angi is not a quitter and she will try to climb Mount Everthrust because she is not one to give up. This led to the most shocking revelation of the morning, that noted weatherman Conrad Cooper has the biggest log at iHeart. Though Abe won't reveal his sources as to who told him about it, he's heard tons of stories. Also, if you're wondering what the non social media Conrad Cooper looks like, think Milton fromOffice Spacewho is hung like Milton Berle. Watches and Jewelry - Angi said this one doesn't apply to her because unlike others, she likes a man with a nice watch. However, if you have a belly button ring, she's kicking you out of the bed.
Request Wars 2.0:
Champion: Angi (Streak: 2)
Angi's (repping DJ Raz) Song Choice: "The Last in Line"
Abe's (repping Marissa) Song Choice: "Super-Charger Heaven"
Observation:
DJ Raz blew off Angi today so that seemed like bad tidings right off the bat. However, Abe had Marissa who is a nurse who loves to watch people die. It is Chainsaw Friday after all and so it would only make sense to vote for Ronnie James "Chainsaw" Dio. Abe pulled a last minute stop to keep voting for a hologram.
Winner: Angi
Don't Kill Angi Weekly Recap:
Angi Was Offered the Job Working on the New Chicago Casino
Mon: Joey had Angi pick Spirit Halloween Stadium aka Soldier Field as the site for the casino. He's a true listener of the show and he knew her plans for the stadium. Outside of Spirit Halloween Stadium, there were 14 year olds in the parking lot tailgating and eating Tide pods. However, all this was a test to see if Joey was a real listener and so therefore, Angi lived for the day. (Alive)
Tue: Trashman Tim had Angi install a Taco Bell next to the weed dispensary. Seeing as nothing goes better with weed, strippers and booze than Taco Bell, Angi was celebrating. Trashman Tim made the right choice which means Angi lives again! (Alive)
Wed: Jennifer & Mike had Angi install 500 Wheel of Fortune slot machines at the casino. Of course, being a degenerate, she decided she needed to sample them. On the first pull, Angi hit the jackpot and won $3,700,000. However, instead of money flooding out of the machine, sparks started to pour out instead. The machine exploded and incinerated Angi. (Dead)
Thur: Dan had Angi decide to audition Mercedes Mountains as her final stripper for the Cooter Cabin. She climbed aboard Angi wearing a black leather bra with spikes on it and a pair of black leather panties. She motorboated Angi and it was going great until one of the bra spikes slid across Angi's neck. Her throat was sliced open and Angi bled out all over the chair and floor. (Dead)
Fri: Neil had Angi hire Seth Rogen as her head budtender. Seth Rogen walked in laughing because he got into Angi's giggle weed. Everyone got so high and she ended up making $8,700,000 on the first day. Alas, everyone was too high to kill Angi so she escaped into the weekend alive. (Alive)
10 o'Clock Toast:
Paris Hilton. She got married recently but it was a story about stealing Angi's boyfriend and the "gift" she probably gave him.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
"It's kind of scary how good you (Abe) are at lying." - Angi
"Taylor finds her soulmates every night in the mens toilets at Union Station." - Minn Barb
Best Bet of the Week: Take the Kansas City Chiefs -2 1/2 against the Las Vegas Raiders.
New Head Roadie Alert! Congrats Josh, Head Roadie of Tire Slingers