This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
Oh my cod, it's Chainsaw Friday, which is obviously the sexiest day of the week so it's only fitting that this news arrived this morning. Though not officially announced (I think, I don't read magazines anymore,) Angi made an announcement thatPeople's current Sexiest Man Alive Michael B. Jordan is about to hand off his crown and scepter to a new mountain of man candy. It should be noted that Abe assumed The Rock was last year's recipient but then again, the last few years have blended together so it makes sense that he thought that was the case. Then again, The Rock might have been chosen three times or so already but that's not something any of us would know because we can barely remember what we did yesterday. Now, this issue has a ton of different guys on it with one making the cut above the rest. It seems though that this year's head hottie is going to be daddy Captain America Chris Evans. Abe was confused (probably because it wasn't Stamos) because he assumed it would be Regé-Jean Page aka The Duke fromBridgerton. Either way, the whole issue is guaranteed to a real basement flooder but the reason the topic came up was a few fold. First, Chris Evans was actually supposed to get the title last year but it was yanked from him because of his accidental Instagram wang screenshot post. See, our prude nature is so deeply ingrained that the mere thought of someone having a penis tanks their chances of doing anything relevant until the next scandal comes along. So because he accidentally flashed a girthy eggplant, he was moved to the back of the line. Angi though decided to pull back the curtain and reveal how all of this actually works. You see, we submitted Abe to the mix in hopes of his getting a win but we did not offer enough. That's right, in order to get onto the list you need to basically pay off the editors and whoever offers up the most gets the crown. So, let's assume said celebrity has a movie coming out so the publicist will attempt to figure out what the editors like. For example, Angi tried to get Abe in by sending cocaine, strippers, brown liquor and a trip to Vegas but they just weren't feeling it. Another name on the list who could have taken the title but lost it due to controversy this year was hot for 10 seconds and current voice over goblin Chris Pratt. This ding dong made an Instagram post where he praised his Schwarzenegger wife and their healthy daughter which rubbed everyone the wrong way because when married to Anna Faris, he had a son with health problems. There was a discussion of the four Chris confusion, which is where people have a hard time distinguishing between Chris Evans (Captain America,) Chris Hemsworth (Thor,) Chris Pine (Captain Kirk) and Chris Pratt (Star-Lord.) Angi was not pleased with the trolls taking him down a peg but he's not that great of a person so I see no problem with him not holding the girthy scepter of fake public affection that another Chris will now be wielding this year.
All the Rest:
So last night was yet another rung on the normalcy ladder that we've so desperately attempted to get back on. Disturbed played the first show at the Hard Rock Casino new concert venue last night and Abe was there to hang out with his bestie David Draiman. Whereas Abe spent the entire week in fear of his life because he assumed he would drive into a ditch or off a cliff while entering Gary last night, things actually went smoothly. It seems that the interstate actually takes you right into the venue and so you don't need to worry about being shot, mugged and assaulted while your car is upside down and on fire after you drove two feet too far. They were so impressed that they decided to book a local band for the first show at this new venue and even though it is no Soldier Field Casino, it was pretty nice. Oh right, you may not be caught up on yesterday's insanity. The long of the short is that Angi is running for mayor and she intends to turn Soldier Field into a massive casino when the garbage Bears pack their cardboard boxes and go to Arligton. The current floor plan calls for turning Soldier Field into the biggest degenerate spot in all of Chicago. There will be a massive casino with dealers only wearing gray sweats (and nothing else,) servers in military themed outfits (check out our Facebook group for a picture,) a strip club that will have me as a den mother, a weed dispensary and of course, late night food staples like Taco Bell and White Castle for all the munchie concerns. If you feel all of this sounds delusional, then you are just not in tune with the bigger picture of it all. Also not on board with the idea is apparently McCormick Place because they listen to the show and are keen on stealing Angi's idea. That's right, they want to create their own mega casino, which was not a thing until Angi came up with it on air yesterday. The powers that be that run McCormick did offer 5% to her for stealing her idea but it needs to be run by Ace Kanan and well, he's a real tight ass. She's not shocked though that it happened because much like bits and ideas she's had over the years, everyone has been stealing from her for as long as she can remember. Though she's said that she refuses to lie down and take it because she is looking to give the people what they want, I have a feeling that none of us are getting paid when all is said and done.
Right, onward to the weekend, where we will probably be getting drunk and with that of course comes hooking up. I do have a stat for you, if you are 27, you're going to get the most action this weekend (or kill yourself if you're a celebrity.) So the topic was about the age that people have the most hookups and when pressed by Angi to give an answer of when the most occurred, he was able to nail it at 27. Speaking of being nailed, 27 is the stand out age because that is when people slide into their most confidence and enjoy themselves before hitting 30, where the down slope into settling down starts to kick in. As I pointed out in the opening of this, most rock starts die at 27 so they're clearly missing out on all the good sex that should be hitting them upside the head. So other points that come along with this topic were a point about the most important things when it comes to a hookup. Abe assumed right off the bat that ass was the biggest percentage of the sexy to other person pie chart but it was there that he was wrong. Body, as Abe considered it, was only 60% on the given list. In a strange (see what?) twist, it turns out smile is the number 1 thing when it comes to a hookup. Abe was confused and did not agree and he's definitely not the only one who would think that I'd assume. He used his go to example of the day Jason Momoa as his point. You're not going to go after him for his smile, you want that hot body that comes attached to a hot dog (so to speak.) Abe's choice of body came out number two on the list overall. The third is eyes, followed by hair and voice in fifth place. Like an Australian accent is sexy but the man can be a total pig and you would just assume he's hot because you know, the accent. This also led to a PSAngi/Abe point about how voice may be perceived as sexy but face for radio is a literal expression for a reason. For example, someone told Angi that she sounds like someone who spends her day chewing on cigarettes and swilling brown liquor. Strangely enough he was completely spot on in his assumption but she gets paid for using her voice so she's the real winner in all of this.
Finally, roadies Mike and Karina called in to discuss their time at the Disturbed show last night. The funny thing was that they actually won their tickets from Rock 95.5 on The Angi Taylor Show (go us!) As for the casino, it apparently was awesome and the newly christened venue was quite nice. They were curious as to Angi's whereabouts but she didn't show up because apparently Abe didn't invite her. From what I had heard though, she was busy mounting things onto the walls of her shower since Jay the Straight was out of town. However, to make up for her absence, Abe and Klinger were both there vaguely meeting roadies and definitely taking in a great show. They did go on to mention that they didn't have a chance to really gamble in the casino, which apparently really explains why they missed Angi. You see, she was there after all but skipped the show so she could load her purse with more casino chips. They also informed us that they ended up sleeping in the parking lot of a police station which led to some shocking revelations from Abe about Angi. Angi used to sleep in the cemetery all the time (as opposed to her dumpster Abe is always talking about.) Wait, scratch that, church was what he was seeking to say as that was one of her favorite places to lay. Well, church parking lots and behind the bushes in the park. When pressed how fun Angi and biker boyfriend Dirk got away with all this unfettered sex, she didn't really give away too many of her secrets. Instead she left us with a nugget of wisdom which is to skip banging in the parking lot and stick to doing it on the kitchen table.
Request Wars 2.0:
Champion: Abe (Streak: 4)
Angi's (repping Charley) Song Choice: "Big Balls"
Abe's (repping Carolyn) Song Choice: "Stupify"
Observation:
Angi spent her time today clowning on David Draiman while Abe used his open mic time to try out all his impressions. Also in the mix was Head Roadie Sandy who got dragged because she picked up Disturbed for the show from their day job at Home Depot. Angi is growing quite tired of Abe's double/triple day same band choices and explained that Carolyn is a groupie jobber. Abe should hopefully lose this because I can't take his ego inflating so big.
Winner: Abe
Don't Kill Angi Weekly Recap:
Angi Is Trying to Avoid Christmas Arriving in November
Mon: Scott had Angi take a walk on the lakefront. She was in zen mode as there was no Christmas stuff around. It was all going well, too well even and that's when a car drove past her. The windows were rolled down and the driver was blasting "All I Want for Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey. The song (and encroaching Christmas) overwhelmed Angi and her head exploded. (Dead)
Tue: Ben had Angi go to Bed Bath & Beyond in the mall to avoid the Christmas spirit. Luckily, there was no Christmas stuff anywhere in the store. Angi loaded up her cart and went to the check out. The check out lady proceeded to ask Angi if she wanted anything gift wrapped. Angi melted down once more and then noticed that the worker was also wearing a Rudolph sweater. Overwhelmed once more, Angi's head exploded ... again. (Dead)
Wed: Jim had Angi go to Dunkin' for her coffee fix. There were no signs of Christmas at all inside the building which was great. When her coffee was ready, the server yelled out "Abbie" several times before it dawned on her that they got her name wrong. Still, it was no bother as they always get her name wrong. However, when she accepted the coffee, the server told her she looked like a girl who was in the holiday spirit. The server took it upon themselves to give Angi the first holiday cup of the season. There wasn't even time for a meltdown today as her head exploded on the spot. (Dead)
Thur: Head Roadie Shannon had Angi decide to go to the Rock 95.5 Jock Lounge. She first walked past the Rock 95.5 studio and it was playing Pantera, which was amazing. Then she walked past Angi Lite 93.9 Lite FM's studio and she saw their hallway manger. Her eye started to twitch as the speaker came on and started playing Wham's "Last Christmas." Screaming in agony, Angi's head inflated like that guy from Big Trouble in Little China and exploded all over the walls. (Dead)
Fri: Drunk Patrick had Angi go to the Hard Rock Casino to avoid Christmas. It was glorious, there were no signs of Christmas anywhere. Angi took out her money clip and she got 3 blackjacks in a row from her favorite dealer Matt. Matt was relieved from his shift by Susan, who was wearing a light up "Ho Ho Ho" sweater, flashing earrings and a Santa hat. Upon seeing this, Angi gave up on life and her head exploded one last time. (Dead)
10 o'Clock Toast:
Pete Davidson. The boy has butthole eyes yet is pulling girls left and right and while there is confusion, good for him.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
"You're known for banging in church parking lots?" - Abe
PSAbe: Hey, stop being a little bitch.
PSAngi: People are allowed to disagree with your opinion.
PSAngi & Abe: If you're talking to someone on the phone or hearing your favorite DJ. If you think a voice is sexy, it's never what you think it is.
"Is Taylor gonna run all the slut machines?" - Minn Barb
Best Bet of the Week: Take Los Angeles Chargers -1 1/2 against Philadelphia Eagles.