This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self-inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broad-stroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously, these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
Though a lot of today's show fun involved Halloween and all the mess that comes with it, the biggest thing worth going into was inspired by Angi's TV watching. Finally having a minute to herself after the whirlwind weekend she had to indulge in, Angi finally got to watch the season premiere ofCurb Your Enthusiasm. The premise of the episode involved delightful actress Lucy Lui dumping Larry David because he walked into a door. This inspired her to recall the story of the time that she too found herself in the same situation. She was at a bar with her friends in Miami when she walked straight into a door. This caused her to be the laughing stalk of all her girlfriends and so Angi was immediately triggered by this scene (I'm assuming that was the point of all of this.) After the bar got done laughing at her, everything went back to normal. This led to her wanting to know the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to the roadies in public. Could I add by the way that I expected for Angi to make her point about the time she fell at the liquor store at 11 A.M. on a Sunday morning fair recently. Apparently, this didn't count because the only people who batted an eyelash at the "sober" lady falling down were the other "sober" people there and the staff who has probably seen her do it several times as it is. Moving on to Abe, we went back and mined his childhood once again for more ridiculous stuff. This time it involved when he was walking in Chicago Ridge Mall when Abe tripped over feet. Instead of making a scene, he turned the free fall into some type of somersault and made it seem like he did it on purpose. Again, none of the "sober" people at the mall probably batted an eyelash at him either. If someone had laughed when he fell though, Abe would have been absolutely thrilled as he's happy when people laugh when he falls. He illustrated this point by explaining how he saw a woman walking up a curb when she tripped and fell over it and how much he enjoyed it. The woman, unlike Abe, did not make sense but attempted to pretend like nothing happened. Another story from Abe's childhood (since the dynamite blew the door off the vault) came in the form of a girl who peed her pants while running to the front of the class. Apparently yelling "I can't help it" is not a proper substitute that allows someone to pee themselves among peers. Onward to the phones, Andrew was out the gate telling a story about when he was at a church outing. He was trying to jump across a dried up river and fell in which resulted in a dual realization. The first was that it wasn't dried up (oops) but that it was also a sewer as well (oh no!) Jay was interested in this girl and got himself invited to her graduation party. From there it all went wrong with him accidentally giving himself a 10 minute nosebleed by shoving the arm of his sunglasses up his nose to splitting his jeans up the middle while playing horseshoes with his family. As for me, as I've told several times now, I face planted in the parking lot at Mariano's. Walking over a speed bump, my feet decided that they were going to fail me and I went right down, leading me to being bruised and slightly scrapped up when I walked in for my second covid shot. Yeah, I'm a clumsy bitch and I've learned to live with it but at least I have yet to walk into a door.
All the Rest:
We are officially knee deep in Halloween week and as the Spooktober water continues to rise, we're going to be deluged with murky topics. For example, this morning Abe was almost assaulted by Zelda Rubinstein's ghost or something like that. While getting out of his car this morning, the apparition rolled up on him and assumed she was some kind of miniature vampire. No seriously, Abe actually assumed that this woman was going to bite him for some reason. Then again, I'm assuming this is what happens when you approach someone inside a dark parking garage at 4 A.M. After deciding that dark meat was not on her menu for the morning, she instead took her spectral coffee and walked (floated) out onto Lower Wacker. So great, not only is The Joker and Bane down there but now there's the ghost of a dead 80's movie actress haunting there as well. Angi was a bit more rational in her thought process, showcasing that some people just have a hard time leaving a parking lot. Maybe she was just seeking some advice, there is a plethora of reasoning for this occurrence steeped in reality but then we don't get good radio and Abe screaming. The talk then turned to beggars, the homeless and Abe's feelings on umbrellas. First off the list was beggars, who are mostly ignored by Angi, Abe and anyone else who has half a brain. When they roll up to the car seeking a handout or want to wash your windows, suddenly the driver and passenger windows go up even though it's a beautiful day outside. You just need to ignore them, play blackjack on your phone and speed off the moment you get the chance. Outside is a bit different as an incident occurred for Abe yesterday when he saw a man and woman lying in the rain. While he yelled at Abe to help him, Abe didn't hear them because he was listening to his My Chemical Romance/Taking Back Sunday mixtape. Abe, for whatever reason, was being em and walking in the rain without an umbrella. You see, he doesn't own one (note to self: buy Abe an umbrella) and honestly he seems confused as to how to handle one. Like, what is he supposed to do with it, carry it, keep it in his car and take it out when needed (I know, shocking concepts all around here.) His whole stand on this is that he would rather be wet than have to hold stuff because as you should know by now, Abe is a crazy person. (Note to self: scratch getting Abe an umbrella.)
Continuing along the haunted trail that is Halloween week, how about another relevant topic for discussion. This one (finally) involves candy, which is the whole point of the holiday as a kid. As we all know, dressing like a whore and getting drunk is the relevance of it when you are an adult obviously. So, the question that was posed and the centerpiece of this discussion was about trick or treating. That is, when is the last year that kids should be trick or treating. Abe couldn't seem to come up with a proper answer, starting with him saying he stopped at 10 ... no 11, wait maybe it was 8th grade. Angi, who has the memory of a wet napkin, was able to easily showcase that she stopped after 8th grade. According to polls, 12 is the most popular age people think that kids should stop. This was followed by 13, 14, 15 and then 16 though honestly if you're trick or treating at 16 and not using your part time job money to buy your own candy (especially the day after Halloween,) you're doing life wrong. Strangely enough, some people seem to think that 10 is too high which sounds silly to me. Also in this pile, 26% don't think ever is too old, which is just silly. At a certain point, one should transition from dressing up to get treats to buying your own and dressing up for fun. Angi could be open minded about giving candy to older kids if they actually made the effort. Like if you're 17 and show up at Angi's door in a t-shirt with a pillow case and your costume is a trick or treater, she will be giving you Mary Jane's Peanut Butter Kisses. Like, you could throw on a jersey at least ya douche, pretend you're Frank Thomas (and then go to Abe's condo and threaten to block him if he doesn't give you candy.) Speaking of Abe's condo, he initially intended not to pass out candy this year. You see, in his mind, he doesn't believe people will haunt his halls looking to steal his Laffy Taffy stash. In fact, Abe explained that if someone knocks on his door, he will be turning off the lights and screaming. This happened the other day when his brother Sam (who lives in the same building mind you,) did this and Abe sounded like he was in a horror film. It also probably explains why his girlfriend Cathy Tropicana texts and asks if she's allowed to come over that day. Scrooge Kanan suggested that these parents should be taking their kids down the blocks but Angi said that when she lived in a condo, she would take her daughter down the halls. She then added that she thinks he probably should pick up some candy. To ward off potential wanderers, Abe said that if he did buy candy he would just throw it on the ground in front of his door. Scratch that, don't come to Abe's place, instead just approach him on the street and he'll buy you candy whenever. I mean I liked it better when they were doing Cash or Kidnap but I'm open to being handed a bag of Twix instead. Abe then offered some advice, if you live in a condo just buy your kid bags of candy or better yet, if it's a good day like a Sunday (aka this Halloween,) take your kid to all the rich neighborhoods. I think the point of all this is to go elsewhere when looking for candy, like Angi's house where she had 500 full size Snicker bars.
Finally, in a topic that was briefly touched upon yesterday during the 10 o'Clock Toast, Angi decided she needed to further drag forever suffering show husband Jay the Straight. A little backstory is necessary for those who missed the toast yesterday. Angi went to a wedding in Indianapolis this weekend, which means it was a 3 hour drive from her house. Jay the Straight, patron saint of dealing with Angi, got a half hour into the drive and had to pull over. Assuming the worst, Angi was concerned (she is usually nose deep in her phone and doesn't acknowledge the world around her,) but that dissipated in a moment. "My ankles are clicking," Jay the Straight proclaimed as he hopped out of the car like Grandpa Joe did when he got his golden ticket. Taking over, Angi was forced to drive the rest of the two and a half hours it took to get to the wedding. Once situated in the passenger seat, Jay the Straight was content and took Angi's position of phone screening and ignoring her while she drove (and probably complained I'm assuming.) So, even though Jay the Straight was dragged yesterday and dried out and redragged today, it gave her a great topic to work with. Angi wanted to hear the lamest excuse you've ever used to get out of something. For Abe, it happened when he was working at Walmart (though knowing him as long as I have, I know a ton of his other lame excuses.) This particular one involved having his mom make a fake college schedule for him so he could get out of working on Friday and Saturday. According to this typed up schedule, Abe apparently had class from 3:30 P.M. til 10:30 P.M. every Friday and Saturday, which is just silly sounding yet somehow worked. With the Jay the Straight dragging established and Abe's terrible excuse firmly planted, Angi took to the phones. It began with Valerie, who said that she had her period and it was like World War 3 down below to get out of dinner with her inlaws. Abe is a fan of the body at war with itself excuse so explosive diarrhea is a favorite of his. Kathy loves to break out the kids as an excuse which Abe, who "loves" kids, would totally have them just to abuse the ability to use them as excuses. Derrick told his boss that he had consumed bad lettuce. Tim broke out the excuse that he was protecting his house (from what, we don't know, there was no elaboration.) To cap this Abe offered another of his favorite excuses which is to always have a picture of a flat tire on your phone. You have to make sure there is no snow on the ground btw and make sure you have a pic in the light and the dark.
Request Wars 2.0:
Champion: Abe (Streak: 1)
Angi's (repping Mark) Song Choice: "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer"
Abe's (repping Brad) Song Choice: "Halloween"
Observation:
Mark was a bit behind with his pick for Angi's birthday and Abe spent some of his time being triggered. While Angi really wants the win, there's "no promises" that Angi could win this because, I mean, Misfits is timely as hell.
Winner: Abe
10 o'Clock Toast:
Drake's or Drake's manager. His manager got him a Rolls Royce phantom that he used to rent for $5,000 a month to make himself look cool and keep up appearances.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "I don't wanna tussle with anyone." - Abe
Quote: "Hey, I'm allergic to cats, I don't get to roll around with cats." - Abe