(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
So our main topic of the day involves a favorite thing that occurs vaguely on air but mostly off air when it comes to this show. You see, what most people don't see but Angi and Abe aren't lying about when they say it actually occurs is tons of smackdown and shading that happens off air. This morning was no different than any other (even though it is Gay Tuesday) and so Angi came out swinging, this time toward another radio company. You see, they are requiring their workers to get vaccinated but also going a step further and implementing a bracelet system. This is akin to Red Light/Green Light/Yellow Light in terms of the abilities you will be allowed to indulge depending on color. For example, if you roll into work wearing a red bracelet, then you are either Steve Harvey or hell bent on keeping people away from you. Anyway wearing the red bracelet symbolizes that they expect people to keep six feet of distance from them at all times, they are not allowed to make eye contact and if you see them coming in the hall, you better duck out of the way or you will be executed for treason. Yellow means you'll allow some contact, like a hug from behind by your co-worker or a little bit of grab ass in the hallways as long as you conceal your erection. Also, they can approach your desk without losing fingers for touching it. Fist bumps are acceptable at yellow as well. Obviously, that leaves the green bracelet, which means that you're okay with appropriate office greetings. These can range from your co-worker sniffing your chair when you go to have a cigarette to giving (not demanding) a back rub from your co-worker (I'm assuming that's what green means.) So to sum this up before getting to Angi and Abe's bracelets: Red means don't look at me, Yellow means fist bump and Green means feel free to bang me in the hallway. The point of all this is you should be respecting everyone's level of comfort. So now, if iHeart was to implement this standard, Abe decided he would need a purple wristband. Purple means that he does not want to be approached by you if you have trash breath. Angi & Abe both have amazing Listerine breath (sponsor them please) and neither want to be approached with your garbage breath. Also, you'd be allowed to shake Abe's hand but not allowed to hug him. Abe is not a hugger and when you do try to do it, he will squirm like a gator attempting to wrestle itself away from you. I should really emphasize that he doesn't like being touched (probably because he was secretly molested as we've always assumed.) Also being worn by Abe would be a light blue bracelet which means he will not sexually assault you (that and his name isn't Eric so.) As for Angi, she would go full on leprechaun green or rainbow for her bracelet. This means that she is DTW (Down to Whatever) which ranges from being on all fours to going to the bathroom to talk or fool around. Wanna grab those frankentits, go for it (actually don't, unless your name is Eric Ferguson and you're already known as a pig sexual offender creep.) This led to a momentary talk on consent because Abe had to point out (in a PSAbe that was all over the place and impossible to sum up properly but I tried) how guys love to hug women and slide their hands down to touch the ass. It should be noted Abe will not touch your ass or kiss you on the lips. After all, Abe is not known for his sexual assaulting because he's not a monster creep that works at a rival radio station that pretends like he hasn't done anything. Somehow though we still went back to hugging and Angi finally got a much needed hug from Abe, who she proclaimed was showing off for radio when he didn't squirm away from her. He just didn't understand the need for all the hugging but it's because Angi loves people and connections. She is a hugger full and through just don't grab her ass or try to hug her from behind.
All the Rest:
So today is the day, it is the make or break game for the White Sox and Angi & Abe couldn't be more excited. They will be in attendance at today's game after yesterday's rain out nightmare caused it to be postponed (and gave Angi an extra day to shake down her connection for tickets.) Either way, it should be a great time for all involved and they have shared an aspirational hope of what they are seeking when they go. You see, at the Eagles game this past weekend, there was a couple who decided the game was just not that interesting. Instead, they snuck off to the mens room and started having sex in a stall. This was something they clearly didn't attempt to conceal as there is video of it online. What came out of this was not an absolute interest in the sex but an overwhelming disgust that having sex (or even being in a public bathroom) is absolutely appauling. Angi is clearly not a fan of having sex in public like behind a dumpster (completely detracking from Abe's theory) and she will not be joining the mile high club. The cops rolled in and asked them to come out but the audience was not having it. They yelled at the cops and demanded that they let them finish. The guy was handcuffed after he emerged but he was not arrested. I'm assuming that the woman's legs were handcuffed to keep her from doing something like that again. This all said, Angi & Abe said that they will be yelling "let them finish" outside of the Sox game (not at anyone in particular but just in general let demented mental patients. Before they finished this off, they also questioned and complained about how they would possibly do a blackout for the game today when it will be so early. Too bad the game wasn't being playedat 6 A.M.because it's so dark in the morning these days, it's hard to differentiate between a random shadow and Joker emerging to finally come get you.
Next up and it has been quite some time since the last one, we have a list this morning. This is the list of the Top 10 Hard Rock Break Up Songs (according to Loudwire.)
10. "Snuff" by Slipknot - Angi does not really agree with this one, it makes her want to cut someone, not cry like Abe does watching Rudy. The assumption was Corey Taylor made Ozzie Guillén's favorite band Stone Sour for his bitch rock.
9. "The End of Heartache" by Killswitch Engage
8. "Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)" by Mötley Crüe - This song was apparently written about a sub sandwich.
7. "I Miss the Misery" by Halestorm
6. "I Don't Love You" by My Chemical Romance - MCR may not love you but Abe loves this song.
5. "Shot Through the Heart" by Bon Jovi
4. "Your Time Is Gonna Come" by Led Zeppelin - Abe can actually play this song on guitar which is something Angi does not believe. He actually made a point of inviting Angi over to The Ivory Tower after all of this.
3. "Monkey Wrench" by Foo Fighters - Angi doesn't feel like this is a crying song but more of a hype you up song.
2. "Gonna Leave You" by Queens of the Stone Age
1. "Love Bites" - Def Leppard - For Angi, most Def Leppard songs don't make sense but this was the song she was listening to when she broke up with motorcycle guy*
Bonus: If you dated CM Punk (or wish you did like Abe,) then you could cry over "Cult of Personality" by Living Colour.
*Probably
Finally, if the two degenerate gamblers here on the show had won the recently Powerball jackpot, one could assume they would probably go nuts. Inspired by a response from a man who was asked by a reporter what he would spend his money on if he won, Angi was seeking to hear lottery dream wrong answers. Back to the reporter, she was down in Louisiana and was asking people what they would do if they won $685 million dollars. This hero said he would be a supercharged Mustang and tons of cocaine. Of course, the woman had to compose herself and ignore the cocaine remark but it lived on as a hilarious clip. That said, Angi turned to Abe for his answer. He would buy a stake in the Bears, no actually he would buy Soldier's Field, no wait even better, he would go out and buy Arlington. As for Angi, she is taking her money and buying every first edition of secretly released Jordan's. Let's be realistic here, we all know if these two idiots got loose with all that cash, they would go absolutely nuts and die of overdoses or being murdered by money hungry pigs. With their ideas firmly set and a demand that people not say things like saving the animals or clearing out shelters, they took to the phones. Starting with Justine, she would buy all the toilet paper in the world and just stockpile it. Jeff would take his new found windfall and spend it getting a couple of whores. You know how it goes, taking time off work to go and support these single mothers (aka whores aka strippers aka skanks.) Robin is going to Vegas and she is taking over Chippendales and having all these men up in her and her friends grills (a real mouthful I'd say.) This sent Angi on a small ramble about a Chippendales documentary that recently came out and is apparently amazing. Ken would spend his fortune on hookers and blow. Lastly, there was Bill who said he'd buy a week with Angi. Lucky for him, she only costs $3.99 for a week so he's got miles to go with her. He did say he would take her to dinner first at Texas Roadhouse which meritted him an extra week with her. Man, this guy really knows how to treat a lady. As for me, I'm going into Binny's with my cash and recreating Leaving Las Vegas only my movie would last twelve minutes before I die of alcohol poisoning.
Request Wars 2.0:
Champion: Abe (Streak: 2)
Angi's (repping Liam) Song Choice: "Black"
Abe's (repping Jenny) Song Choice: "Grind"
Observation:
Today was truly something. The monster that is Angi went after dead Layne Stayley for kicks. She didn't care about him and his boring song, she was here to turn up and celebrate the Sox. She was no longer here for liar Abe and his death, sadness and stolen valor pandering. As for their players, Jenny is taking her very old grandfather to his first Sox game after he won tickets at bingo and Angi revealed that Liam was actually "Cane Guy" from the Sox game. Angi has this imo since her song isn't a bad Alice in Chains song.
Winner: Angi
10 o'ClockToast:
WAGS of the White Sox. She absolutely loves them and spent the morning getting dolled up to impress them.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
"You know a negative attitude leads you down the wrong path." - Abe
"The only thing that makes me cry isRudy." - Abe
"Will, have you seen your dad's love gun?" - Abe
PSAngi: When you meet Abe, try not to put hands on him.
PSAbe: A lot of guys hug women and slide their hand down and grab their asses.
PSAbe: Hey Cubs fans, it's Bartman's fault that you lost.
PSAngi: I'm not the mush.
PSAbe: If the Sox lose today, Angi is not the mush. It's Becky's brother in law.
PSAngi: So what that she went to a bunch of games the Sox lost, Abe was also next to her.