This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
So marriage is apparently this great thing right, well I mean that's the lie that we're supposed to buy into. I mean this topic on this show though is kinda suspect if only because of the pair, Abe is not married nor do we think he ever will be. Though he likes to use the "never say never" line, I'm pretty sure unless Stamos proposes, he's never getting locked down. However, this is not a topic about Abe's aversion to being a life partner to anyone. Instead, this is about people who are already married and what they would go back and tell their unmarried selves. In that regard, this also is a peek behind the curtain for those who aren't married and have assumptions as to what it entails. For starters, before getting married, one of things you should do with a partner is go on vacation or a road trip with them. Unlike covid quarantine where people were locked together for months on end, vacation and trips give you a different side of a person and help round out your perspective. Sometimes you see a good side and sometimes you end up like Instagrammer Gabby Petito (too soon....) Unmarried Abe, who lives in an Ivory Tower, made a suggestion that people don't need to be together all the time. Angi actually agreed with Abe on this front and said she wishes that she had an apartment to escape to sometimes. She obviously didn't say condo because she knows better than to ask Abe if she would be allowed to come over and avoid her husband for a few days. Another suggestion from Abe, send your kids away. Be it a boarding school or just ship them off to another country, it doesn't really matter, just get rid of them. Moving away from Captain Ideas over there, Angi rounded us back into the right again. Don't ever assume that being married doesn't mean you're not going to feel lonely again. Most relationships are things that facilitate living and being together but that doesn't mean connection will occur 24-7 and you might still feel neglected. It's also okay to sleep in separate beds or rooms because if that works for you, then it makes it right to keep things moving forward. For example, Angi would love two beds because she gets up early, her husband goes to bed late and of course, he flails in his sleep and tends to beat her up because of his restless leg syndrome. Personally, I just feel like he's taking out his frustrations on her and uses a disorder as an excuse. On the phone, the first call was from Angi's new best friend, Christi, the marriage therapist. After fangirling too hard and demanding her number, she gave out some advice. Her most important piece was to forget everything that you see in movies. Marriage is not like these dolled up fairy tales splayed on your screen for entertainment purposes. Abe doesn't seem to agree about marriage and movies because according to him, all marriages in movies seem to suck. It should be noted that Angi also had to say that marriage is also not like all the things that you see on Instagram. You can fake it for social media and pretend you have an amazing life but no one wants to see daily pics of you guys playing make believe. David said that you should make sure that you get to know the family and siblings of your partner. They may carry baggage from it and it might make things absolutely messy. Angi disagrees with this point because her and Jay the Straight's families are absolute trainwrecks but they acknowledge that the stupidity centers around them and not themselves which is important. Kyle called to say that divorce is too common and that people change and that you need to weather those changes together. I don't agree simply because if you're not compatible when you change, move on and don't play pretend for the sake of it. The thought here is that some people don't think past the wedding which they assume is the finish line but is actually the starting line. Lastly there was Beverly, who was married for a long time. Her husband was a carpenter but he would never bring his work home. For example, he once started working on the bathroom and four years later it never finished. Everything went off the rails and downhill from here because Angi assumed Beverly was divorced even though she had mentioned she was widowed. Feeling bad, Angi offered to pay for a beer for her tonight at Guns N' Roses and then intended to probably drown herself in a Vegas fountain.
All the Rest:
Oh man, it's finally here, Guns N' Roses Day! That's right, the historic show at Wrigley is finally happening tonight and Abe is absolutely pumped. According to him, he's actually going to party all night and not go to sleep, rolling into the studio tomorrow morning to absolutely raise hell or something. To also get in the spirit since she's unfortunately missing the show, Angi is wearing some Axl boots (and probably a Guns N' Roses shirt she bought at Urban Outfitters.) Since this is essentially the main topic of the day (but not my call in point,) I'm combining a few of the early Guns N' Roses related tidbits into a full point. It began with Abe's haircut, a fresh line up specifically done for tonight to probably impress Slash, who as you will recall sent Abe a special autographed poster for his birthday for not being able to call in on it. I mean sure, it was a picture with Miles Kennedy as well. Plus it was dated 2018 on the bottom of it. Okay and maybe the message from Slash was written in a different market on it. Whatever to the handwriting being completely different, none of that matters. I'm sure Slash will probably try to call in today to tell Abe Happy Birthday properly since he's in town tonight and definitely will not go get a packet of cigarettes and end up in a different city tomorrow. Anyway, Abe's haircut has him looking extra cute as opposed to the creature with the long hair he was just a few weeks ago. Next up, their attention turned toward Wolfgang Van Halen, lead singer of Mammoth Van Halen and son of Eddie Van Halen. His band will be opening for Guns N' Roses tonight and so Angi and Abe decided that they probably should try and get him laid tonight. Abe suggested that perhaps a roadie could end up lying with him but of course, Angi had to dump all over that delusional fantasy. First off, he probably has a girlfriend as is (not like that has ever stopped any musician from cheating ever though.) The reality of what was probably going to keep him from getting it in though was as Angi explained "he's not cute." The other thing is, pulling out the "my dad is Eddie Van Halen" card is probably not going to work to impress girls these days. Now, if this was something that happened when Angi was younger, it would have gotten statutory. 20 year old predator Angi decides to babysit 12 year old WVH. After she got done with him, she would send him outside and then go bang dad. I probably should add that she also consider Eddie Van Halen as "not cute." Her turn off for him was his bad smile and his mouth full of baby teeth. These are different from Chiclet teeth, which is what you get when you have veneers. All this was done with a hushed whisper because even though he was dead, as we've seen in this studio, ghosts have a way of coming in and wrecking the Acer computers. Another topic that passed through but was in relation to the last portion discussing Van Halen, Angi was asked if she would bang a member of Van Halen if she had the chance. In a throwback to what seems like forever ago interview with Sammy Hagar, Angi retold the story of the time she went backstage at a Van Halen show. She was 20 and someone saw her in the front row, jumping up and down with the bouncing girls. She was brought backstage, the assumption in her head being that she was going to get a photo op because clearly she's a dumbbell. Once there, she was tossed in a room with 800 lesbians who were piled on top of each other like a stack of floppy pancakes. Now see, mature and well adjusted (cough) Angi would have jumped in that pile but young Angi was terrified and not emotionally mature. This was a new sight for her and so she freaked and ran out the door, still not realizing that there was never going to be a camera back there. All she would have found was Sammy Hagar under that pile of massive lesbians.
If there's one thing that happens every day (both on the show and DEFINITELY off air) is Angi and Abe's gossip sessions. Any minute that is not consumed with something else that is pressing is time spent talking smack about literally everyone. Well, I mean probably not everyone, definitely not the roadies and sure as hell better not be about me because I will rain down fiery rage. Anyway, this opening brought us on to Tik Tok, which caused a mass email to be sent to the parents of Angi's daughters school. It seems that there is a new Tik Tok trend occurring (as it so happens every five minutes) and this one is a doozy. I should add that by doozy I mean hilarious in that it's stupid as hell but also made me laugh hard. Seriously, the visual descriptions and ideas expressed here should be listened to on the pod if you didn't hear it live because they are hilarious. Like most of these dumb challenges, there is surely a repercussion attached to it. This fun one offers you a chance to probably get arrested for vandalism and destruction of property but then again, if you're going along with these challenges, maybe you belong in jail. so the challenge is called Devious Lick and it involves trashing bathrooms and stealing stuff from them at schools. Soap dispensers, hand sanitizers, bathroom mirrors, stall doors, toilets, nothing is safe from this mess. The idea is to one up the last person in terms of what you do I'm assuming and short of burning the place down, all this seems a bit too simple. The thing is, the challenge, much like covid, has started to evolve. Instead of destroying just bathrooms, kids started to steal/trash trophies, fire extinguishers, desks and other items commonly used for education. Seriously, the irony here about destruction of items that should be used to help or enhance development is not lost, trust me. Anyway, schools are rightfully furious and they are now starting to threaten to press charges. As I explained earlier, Angi's daughter's school sent out an email about the challenge. It apparently has occurred at her school because they are having an assembly where they yell at the kids. Back in my day, we were a bit more simple and had our students yell racist stuff at other basketball teams which caused a kid to get hit in the head with a manhole cover and Jesse Jackson came to our school for an assembly (shout out to Brother Rice!) As for Abe, when he was in school they did wacky Tik Tok type things as well. For example, that one molester kid brought a bunch of condoms to school and they would fill them with mayo and throw them at the wall. They would do this in the lunchroom, in the classroom and they would end up exploding when they hit the wall. There is so much to unpack here that if I even tried to do it in these notes, I would run my fingers down to the bone. I should add that they also would throw paper balls and acorns as well. In addition, they would sometimes move their desks to the front of the classroom without notice until they were all essentially stacked in a corner. Seriously, what the hell kind of school is St. Laurence, jeez. All of the kids who went there were clearly criminals, it's the only way to explain why they didn't have doors on the bathroom stalls. To alleviate people seeing you take a dump or make toilet wine, you would have a dump spotter stand in front of the door. All I know (which was backed up by Angi,) is that if Tik Tok existed back then, Abe would be doing all of these dumb challenges.
Finally, since we were just on the topic of childhood/teenagers, Angi brought up a list of things that we were afraid of as kids. Well I mean not really us as the list was pushed toward millennials and we are Gen Old or some junk. Still though, Abe had an irrational fear that actually made the list. Quicksand, that hidden doom that seemingly befell everyone back in the day traumatized him. He still gets emotional (well Abe's version of emotional) when he considers Artax drowning in the Swamp of Sadness inThe Never Ending Story. Abe was also scared by the drain in the bathtub as well until Mr. Rogers told him that it was harmless. I feel like a therapist really could make a fortune attempting to dissect what is going on in this nuts head. So Angi gave a list of things that millennials were scared of that are mostly harmless.
10. Falling Ceiling Fans. - Abe still kinda is, Angi wishes a fan blade would break off and kill her.
9. Swallowing Gum. - Even though it was disproven forever ago, Angi is still afraid of it.
8. Turning on the Car Light Will Crash the Car. - Neither of them ever heard of this.
7. Shoes getting Stuck in the Escalator. - I've seen those videos from China, I know to be afraid damnit!
6. Poisoning by Eating the Silicone Gel Pack. - I've never been so thirsty.
5. Quicksand. - See above.
4. Man Eating Plants. - Little Shop of Horrors is an amazing movie though.
3. Swallowing Seeds Will Grow Plants in You. - Honey, if swallowing seeds caused things to grow in you, Angi and I would be running an orphanage.
2. Assuming You'll Go to Prison for Ripping Off Tags. - This one was always dumb.
1. The Bermuda Triangle. - Chances are you'll never go anywhere near Bermuda anyway.
Request Wars 2.0:
Champion: Abe (Streak: 1)
Angi's (repping Suzi) Song Choice: "Little Suzi"
Abe's (repping Frank) Song Choice: "Distance"
Observation: Abe was yelling at Angi right off the bat because of course he was and he was enraged about Suzi using "Little Suzi." Angi responded that all of Abe's picks are emo. Angi had an amazing story experience to share about her song while Abe attacked her for dumping on WVH. This was a hilarious back and forth and honestly either could win because both had great points.
Winner: Angi
10 o'Clock Toast:
Guns N' Roses. Their show tonight is a pretty much a once in a lifetime opportunity and this is something worth getting into.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "Most people are like vampires. They suck out of everything they can." - Abe
Quote: "If you spend money on OnlyFans, you should be giving us money right now." - Abe
Quote: "Anything I do on my couch, I can do in the bathroom." - Abe
PSAA: Y'all aren't betting enough. You need to up your betting game.
PSAbe: No one cares about you winning money except me.
PSAngi: Hey dudes, when you're trying to make it happen, grab the boob and say sexy stuff that doesn't involve work.