This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
In, "what I'm going to tell him via text message and my call in," Abe has a chance at finally making some of that sweet side cash we all want so badly. Before I introduce the plan, let me explain what occurred last night that I see potential to capitalize and monetize on. Abe went on onto his balcony to enjoy one of the last few summer nights before winter comes in about three weeks (as we barely ever get fall in Chicago, I'm not being ridiculous with my assumption here.) Anyway, sitting out on the patio last night, he was watchingMonday Night Footballand RAW. What he didn't realize was that he was about to tune into a third show which was a real life version of Skinemax. That's right, upon looking to his left, he noticed that his neighbor had the window wide open. There she was in all her nude glory and she started to ... fold laundry or iron or something. Now, this would normally be a situation where the two other shows would be put on hold since this woman was apparently pretty hot but not Abe. Remember, today is Gay Tuesday and since it was a woman in the window, he clearly had absolutely no interest in what she was selling. Angi was confused about the ironing/folding in the nude and it probably had something to do with the trauma that came from the last time she did it. If you ever wonder why she has an iron burn mark scar on her upper thigh, well I just explained it. So even though there are tons of people who love to be naked all the time, Angi and Abe both found reasons to take issue with this woman's nudity. Abe's was that she wasn't a guy (duh.) As for Angi, she was bothered by the idea of snail trailing and taints being rubbed on the furniture. People are disgusting, so it should be no surprise that they are going to be even more gross in the nude and honestly, who wants that. Abe went on to theorize that it is easier for the ladies, as they have less "stuff" hanging out. I dunno know about that one Abe, I've seen some girls who could be the mascot for Arby's. So this apparently all went on for like an hour where Abe went between watching the game, watching Big E win the WWE championship and watching the hot girl mop up the mess she left on the floor. See, it didn't matter to him that there was a naked woman flaunting it in the window across the way (for again the obvious reason of him being a closet case) because he was going to enjoy his two other great loves. Football, with all those tight ends and wrestling, which has hot shirtless dudes wrestling each other. Abe was also pretty sure she knew she was being peeped on as she went to the window several times, probably to air out her cash and prizes. Abe was not the only one who was taking in the show, apparently the smoker who is always outside, smoked an entire pack (all at once) while he watched the exobhisnist. Angi was very jealous because not only did she never have a hot nude neighbor but the ones she has now, no one wants to see naked. It should be added though that a windowsill someone obscured Abe's vision, he was able to pretty much see everything (especially when she hung her legs out the window and waved them around like she was in aerobics class.) Angi did find a topic in all this, wondering if any of the roadies had a hot nude neighbor. Head Roadie Bill called to mention he lives in an area that has like 7 houses. There he has a neighbor who is 51, pretty decent looking and has fake tits. She loves to go outside and lay around naked all the time. Roadie Tony called to say he wants to come hang out with Abe (which is what inspired my idea.) Julie called to say that she is that naked neighbor. She feels comfortable being naked in her own home and so she doesn't close the blinds and walks around nude. Angi just assumed doing that would be cold plus she has the dogs and her chest looks like beef jerky now. Head Roadie Glenn called in seeking Julie's number, perhaps to take a spot next to Abe in her bushes. Chad used to deliver mattresses and said people would come to the door topless, walk around the house in the nude and one time, a guy was actually wearing bikini briefs. Abe and Angi both correctly assumed all this was done to gage Chad's interest. Anyway, this is running long but here was my idea for Abe. On Monday night's he does Abe's Dinner & a Show. He grills up some of his world famous Kanan burgers and then lets the guys take turns sitting on the balcony while they eat their burger and catch a glimpse of beaver.
All the Rest:
Another morning and we are hearing all about Angi's suffering. I mean, there isn't a day when one of these two aren't suffering from some type of affliction so it makes sense, right? Anyway, if you tuned in to the 10 o'Clock Toast yesterday, you were privy to the story of Angi falling at a certain liquor store. This place, which shall be unnamed but is on Western and opens up at 11 A.M. on a Sunday, almost became a crime scene when grandma Taylor took a spill. Since she had run out of Jack Daniels and she had a long day of looking longingly into the yard while playing blackjack on her phone, Angi had to go for a quick restock. Throwing on her flip flops and a bathrobe (I'm assuming,) she also didn't bother taking the curlers out of her hair either (again assumption.) Once inside, she filled one of those reusable shopping bags to the point where the straps might tear, with bottles of Jack (no Coke, she likes it straight, like her men.) After paying and trying to hide her face from the cameras (we don't need another local well known radio DJ is a rampant drunk headline,) she moved quickly to leave. The thing is, this particular liquor store on Western that opens at 11 A.M. on a Sunday, has painted black cement floors. The problem was that this floor conceals things like puddles of urine left behind by homeless men (or water, whatever these are my notes and I'll create the ridiculous narrative that I desire!) So in her rush and already klutzy from the flip flops, Angi slipped and fell on the way out the door. It kind of was something akin toThe Matrix, she went forward and immediately went backwards. The slow motion effect was provided by the fact that she was still drunk from the night before. She compared it to skating and I could see her score being a 3.2 when the panels were held up. So she fell backwards but pivoted and landed on her side. She did end up soaked from the puddle and it also left a "huge" bruise on her arm. Sidenote: check out Angi's Twitter if you want to see a picture of the bruise. So as she laid there embarrassed, the first thing she did was make sure her bag of liquor was fine. Assessed that it was good, she pulled herself up off the floor with little fanfare. The thing is, even when she fell, no one seemed to notice or care. There was no rush to help, no one laughed at her and they all probably just assumed that she was some drunk falling down (they weren't wrong but still.) The thing is, no one laughing and no one coming to help means Angi is officially middle aged. If they laugh at you when you fall, that means that you're a kid. If they run to make sure you're okay, that means you're old as hell. I guess I should probably go back up in the earlier portion of these notes and remove the Grandma Taylor line then ... oh well, she doesn't read this anyway.
So let's talk about shopping next because the big holidays are all coming up and stockpiling must be commenced soon. It also makes sense to mention it because we discussed Angi's trip to the liquor store where she attempted to stockpile and then fell down. Because she can't be trusted to go to a liquor store without being an absolute mess, this is why Angi loves Instacart. Abe, on the other hand, can live without it. You see, he is a man of the people who likes to be seen while surveying the goods. He likes to go into the store and wander the aisles (like he's Belle fromBeauty and the Beast.) For example, if he wants to get a bunch of apples, he wants to make sure he gets the pristine ones. That guy from Instacart, he's grabbing any junk that he can get his hands on and will bring you the bruised ones that he's been fingering (not that kind) in the car. This isn't about Abe however but those shoppers who have put out a list of their biggest gripes when getting your goods from the store.
* Adding too many items after an order starts. - Like one or two are fine but if you tack on like twenty more things, they're going to be pissed.
* Not responding to texts. - Abe is someone who absolutely hates when people break out the selective texting and selective emailing. Either do it or don't, don't choose people for the sake.
* Being too picky about replacements. - Sometimes things are out of stock so either deal with a replacement or put not to bother if it's not there. Like the time when a customer got mad because he ordered 8 tortillas and he ended up getting a 10 pack instead.
* Bad directions or incomplete addresses. - Self explanatory.
* Not tipping them. - I mean, these people basically make no money and they live off tips so like, give them some money you cheapskates. More so, this is a convenience and they're basically doing you a favor so you should be tipping them decent.
* Bad ratings. - Ratings are essential when it comes to services like this and you should always be giving your driver 5 stars if they do a good job.
Before closing out the topic, Angi and Abe took a call from Crystal who is an Instacart shopper. Her biggest issue is the lack of communication from her customers because it makes her life just harder overall and let's be honest, people suck so that makes sense.
Finally, Head Roadie of All Moms Mama Kanan is partying it up in a "Non-Swingers" resort in Mexico. Abe was relieved to know this because he would have probably lost it if he heard she was partying at Hedonism. This led us to be lead back to the time Angi walked in on her mom having sex with her then husband when she was 12. They had something akin to a Bowflex in their bedroom and her mom was straddling him on top of it, just getting dirty. That's right, they had an exercise machine in the room for screwing because who actually exercises with a Bowflex (type machine.) This occurred in the middle of the day mind you which confused Abe who just assumed that parents only have sex when the kids are sleeping or busy. Abe was curious as to how Angi reacted when her eyes were forced to be beholden to this site. Apparently, after walking in, Angi ran out of the room screaming (which for some reason makes me laugh.) This all led to a topic on parents and trauma, as in, when did you come to realize that your parents were freaks. Poor Katherine was helping her parents move when they decided they wanted to downsize. She was going through some dressers and she ended up finding a bag full of all their freaky sex kink stuff. Like there were feathers, whips and a ball gag. The fact that she didn't have to see either of them wearing the ball gag should at least bring her some sort of comfort but I mean, come on now. As for Sam, he was alone with his mom and his dad was gone. He was somewhere between 5 or 6 years old and he was afraid of the dark. Little did he realize that in the dark was his mom giving a mouth hug. The head popping up and yelling at him to get out really sent him ... to the therapist because he's now terrified of the dark.
Request Wars 2.0:
Champion: Angi (Streak: 2)
Angi's (repping Vesna) Song Choice: "Whiskey in the Jar"
Abe's (repping Eryk) Song Choice: "You Could Be Mine"
Observation: Here on this Gay Tuesday, Abe fell in love with his player Eryk. Since today is all Abecentric, Vesna also came after Abe about proper song names. Abe then really went into overdrive when he found out his player was Polish. I expect them to be dating by the time this is all over. Oh and the song choices are good as well, either could win.
Winner: Angi
10 o'Clock Toast:
Brad Pitt and Bradley Cooper. These two unicorns were spotted at the U.S. Open together and Angi figured she needed to do a double shot to celebrate her desire to be DP'ed by them.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "This is a guy I really could get behind." - Abe (It's Gay Tuesday)
Quote: "I thought parents don't bang when the kids are active." - Abe