This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
So, the morning started with the subject of things that suck (there's a pun intended here,) let's gather around for a story about Abe's Angi Taylor Memorial Toilet. Well, it started actually with Angi being the lead in, asking about if anyone has ever had a clogged toilet. She went on to explain that while she was at work, a friend who had been staying at her house clogged the toilet. The friend had to call a plumber over to deal with the issue (I'm assuming she emptied her purse and a bag of golf balls into it.) She called Angi while she was on air to tell her about it and Angi of course talked about it on her show. The friend was pissed but the plumber did have everything taken care of before Angi arrived home to kill her. The whole behind story behind this messiness occured yesterday afternoon when Abe had a friend show up at The Ivory Tower. He was there to take a look at possibly installing Abe's birthday gift from Angi, which is a keyless door lock. Though he was only there for 15 minutes or so, he asked to use the bathroom. Now, if you don't know about the Angi Taylor Memorial Toilet, it is state of the art and top of the line. It has a built-in bidet, colored lights, heated seats and swears at you in Japanese. This thing cleans you so well that there's apparently no need for toilet paper. This did not stop Abe's friend though who ended up stuffing so much paper into it that the thing ended up clogged. Not one to let an incident like this slide, Abe called up and called out his friend over this whole ordeal. Abe accused him of clogging it, he said he didn't, it was a pointless back and forth. However, since Abe has a bidet and has no need for toilet paper, he doesn't need a plunger and so there was no way to undo the clog. Before hanging up, the friend explained he did not leave a present there and so there was at least that for what Abe would have to do to deal with the issue. Before getting to the end of the story, we took a detour down memory lane. Angi explained how she and Abe first bonded over bidets when they met (I honestly thought they shared a mutual love of beignets.) She first fell in love with bidet's when she was a bartender and her boss had one at his house. He used this analogy about muddy hands and digging in the dirt to equate to a dirty ass. Pulling back into the current story, Abe explained how he had to use his Flaming Hot Cheetos plastic gloves to reach in and unclog the toilet manually. Though there was a truth in that there was no pooping, the act itself still made Abe sick. It also left a mystery as to exactly why so much toilet paper was shoved in there in the first place after all. Either way, the issue was solved but Angi decided that Abe needs to force this friend to install the keyless lock as payment for making Abe add another layer of PTSD to his life.
All the Rest:
So, let's start this section of the notes off by being real because on this show, reality tends to get blurred sometimes when Abe starts talking about octopus and his 5 step plan to end covid. Summer is technically almost over, though it will more than likely remain boiling hot for about 6 or 7 more weeks. This summer on a whole, for the most part, has completely sucked. Nothing happened, tons of things got canceled and guess what, we're back in masks again because people can't be bothered to not be selfish or care about themselves/others. Still, some people have not gotten enough of "White Boy Summer" and want more of it for some reason. A poll was recently taken and an overwhelming 80% of people had a "bummer summer." In that same concept lane, 48% want to extend the summer just a bit more to soak up every last bit of it. For those who want it to be over though (hi, me!) they had a list of things that they would rather endure than another few weeks of it. This included having a root canal and moving back in with their parents. As for 2021 on a whole, the best way to describe how it tasted was also a varied list which included boredom, salty, spicy, boozy and bitter (may I add, overwhelming rampant depression to that list?) For Angi, she considered it to be a pretty good summer but her vision was skewed only because her work life was so nice that she could overlook the fact that nothing else happened (aside from drinking, having her tits lopped off and that trip to Philly where her tits got bit by her best friends dog.) Abe had been excited when the weather turned warm until you know, we were forced back into being masked monsters. Wait until he sees the news that we might get punished further if we continue spiraling out of control. The problem was that these two assumed that we were finally back and things would be normal again, that this summer was going to be so great. Not one to dwell on awful things, Angi wanted to hear from roadies about what actually made their summer great. Maybe they got married, got a new job, didn't have their best friend die suddenly. Off the socials, we heard from Keith who said his didn't suck because he got his medical marijuana card. Kelly was happy because she saw the Foo Fighters at Lollapalooza. Max, who is 32, finally lost his virginity this summer (good for you guy!) On the phone, there was Charlie, who ended up getting a job finally this summer after struggling to find one for a year and a half. Tristan got sober from drugs and alcohol (coke and booze were his demons.) In order to supplement the need to feed an addiction, he got into aquariums and growing coral. Angi explained that when she used to run triathlons, there were a ton of former alcoholics and drug addicts that used that as their new drug (she got off the drugs, she still loves the sauce though and definitely stopped running.) As for me, my summer was awful with the death of my best friend and the growing understanding that no one has time to do anything anymore. However, I also spent the summer with two of my favorite people each morning making magical moments on the radio so that's a plus.
Finally, "step right up, right this way fatso!" The carnival carny named Urban barked during today's Don't Kill Angi segment. That's right, in a complete script flip, Angi's fate of death was flipped onto the roadie today when he was told to guess her weight. Go low enough and he would live, if he went too high I'm assuming she would have attempted to attack him and then fallen over and had a heart attack. Either way, Urban figured Angi weighed 110 and even though that was her weight in 8th grade, she was delighted by his guess. Off air after the game, Abe had Angi guess his weight and the results were comical (and also led to this section of the notes.) She assumed he was 195 and Abe proceeded to laugh in her face while eating spoonfuls of mayo like it was yogurt. He went on to explain that she was off by about 90 pounds and that opened (both) doors for this ridiculously trash segment. Unlike Abe he is keen at street math and can do it on the fly, Angi is terrible at eyeballing weight, especially when it comes to men. Abe explained the last time he was 195 was like 8th grade which is funny because as I said, her 110 was in the same age range. I should mention before I go on that this subject/topic was acknowledged to be absolute trash and it never gets any better. So, Angi had tickets to give away and so they wanted to hear how much the roadies weigh. Urban (who won tickets during Don't Kill Angi) will be there at the show to size you up and see how much of the sun you block out btw. He will also be checking ID's, which is comical seeing as Angi's ID says that she's 110 and Abe's says 230. Anyway, the first portion of this contest was giving the biggest fatso to ring in tickets to see another fat pig aka Vince Neil. There was a quick blurb about guessing someone's age and accidentally aging them up even when you were trying to lowball them (oops!) We had a bevy of contestants and weights which included roadies Stephanie who came in at 148. This is Angi's ideal weight btw and so she probably hung up on her for being just right. There was Paula who was a lovely 213. Ed rolled in at 245. However, Josh beat them all by weight 250. Still, Angi and Abe's hunger was not satisfied and they wanted to get fatter. They sweetened and frosted the ticket cake by throwing in tickets for Korn and Staind to the next biggum. Dan was the clear winner here, coming in at 385. Then there was Ryan who weighed 342 and wasn't going to beat Dan, so he decided to swear up a storm about how he could weigh that much after a weekend bender.
Request Wars 2.0:
Champion: Angi (Streak: 3)
Angi's (repping Dave) Song Choice: "Misty Mountain Hop"
Abe's (repping Angry Bob) Song Choice: "The Memory Remains"
Observation: Head Roadie Dave didn't bother showing up and so Angi was enraged and left to hang out to dry. Abe and Angry Bob took turns beating Angi senselessly and let's be realistic, I don't think Led Zeppelin was beating Metallica anyway.
Winner: Abe
10 o' Clock Toast:
OnlyFans. They reversed the ban on porn because the site knew without it, the site would be done basically.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
"I want weiners! Gimme my weiners!" - Abe