This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
Hey, guess what, welcome to last year where everything sucks and everything is ... masked up. That's right, due to stupidity and inability to want to protect other people (let alone themselves,) we are headed back in the wrong direction. It began with the news that the mask mandate for Chicago is once again in place for all indoor venues. Just when it seemed we could finally get back to living again, we are going back to living that 2020 lifestyle. However, the return of the mask is not the only issue we're facng because of people being stupid about getting vaccinated. Concerts are now taking hits as well, with tons of bands postponing or outright canceling tours. One of those bands is Nine Inch Nails, who announced yesterday that they are pulling out of Riot Fest next month due to the Delta variant wreaking havoc all over. Obviously this wouldn't be an issue if people weren't stupid but luckily for us on this show, we have Abe Kanan. That's right, Dr. Kanan has determined that he could solve the covid problem in 2 weeks. Here's how it works, we set up these camps and we send people to them. Wait sorry, I was thinking of something else. Actually, the way it works is that we lock everyone in their homes for 2 weeks. Like, we set up tents outside and people get tested daily on top of being locked away for two weeks. People who need to do something like work an essential job, they get put in hazmat suits. Food delivery people, doctors, streets and sanitation, etc. All of those people will be locked in hotel rooms as well and they are also tested. We will have specific centers that they will go to for supplies, food and hospitals. To ensure that nothing slides through, we also will shut down all the borders until Abe's protocols are followed. Sure, it would cost trillions of dollars and require people to actually follow some rules. However, the alternative is clearly much worse. People keep doing what they're doing now and we get stuck wearing masks for the next 7 years (honestly, I don't see a problem with this, people are disgusting.) Anyway, you know that old saying "Lose a Nine Inch Nails and find a Slipknot," well it's finally coming true. To replace Trent and friends, Ozzie Guillén's favorite Corey Taylor will bring his band of masked (see masks!) lunatics as a replacement headliner. Morrissey has been tapped to appear as well but with him, there's always a chance he pitches a fit and doesn't bother appearing.
All the Rest:
Finally, continuing the string of grabbing big name celebrities, Chelsea Handler called in this morning. She's promoting an upcoming show here on November 12th as part of her Vaccinated and Horny tour. First and foremost, she absolutely loves Chicago. This isn't one of those shilling things where she loves (insert city name) type of things. She's actually shot a special or two here and has a deep love for our crime ridden city. One of the first interesting tidbits that came forth from this interview was that Angi has a history with Chelsea. No, it's not that they both show their breasts to strangers for fun because even I thought that's what it was going to be when she made the point. It turns out that Angi's first date with Jay the Straight was at a Chelsea show 12 years ago at the Hard Rock in Vegas. That's right, Chelsea is responsible for Jay the Straight suffering through 12 years of hell with this ball and chain. Chelsea was thrilled to hear that Angi is happy and in a good relationship (which I think is something Jay the Straight says when Angi has a gun in his back.) She is absolutely thrilled to be able to go on tour once again and finally see people. She is looking forward to them leaving the show happy, with their sides split and just having funny stories to tell about their evening with her. Speaking of funny stories, there will be plenty of them at the show and a lot of it will involve what our lives are currently buried under, covid. In the poster for the tour, she is actually wearing a crown of weed which is one of the perks she liked about covid. Being childless, alone and smoking weed in Cali, this was like a dream for her. One of the things she got to do was set her alarm for 9 A.M. and then just get up and do mushrooms, which would lead to her talking to the tree in her yard. However, doing mushrooms with a tree isn't super exciting so she moved on to doing them with her landscaper. This foray into drug fun with him was not sexy because he's not cute but he is a nice guy and she was happy covid brought them together. As for actual male encounters, she did audition male suitors in her yard. She would administer a covid swab and then give them 30 mins to impress her while she waited for the results. Regardless of whether they had it or not, if she wanted them gone she would just say they did. She also mentioned that she's just not interested in dating celebs and that all straight white men are afraid of her, which makes sense because Jay the Straight either respects or hates her for saddling him with Angi (depending on the day I'm sure.) Lastly, Angi discussed deep diving on Chelsea's Instagram, which is a sea of tit shots and other fun stuff. After bringing up her frankentits, she went on to discuss the candle topic from yesterday. So what would Chelsea's candle smell like (after clowning on Abe for his Stamos' taint candle,) chicken fingers and regret. Actually, I would buy a candle that smells like that, it sounds delightful.
Request Wars 2.0:
Champion: Abe (Streak: 2)
Angi's (repping Jay) Song Choice: "Cult of Personality"
Abe's (repping Patti) Song Choice: "Ice Cream Man"
Observation: Abe tried so hard to push his agenda for lactose intolerance and a sob story. Angi brought CM Punk for us this morning. I mean come on now, there was only one way that this was going to end.
Winner: Angi
Don't Kill Angi Weekly Recap:
Angi Gets Herself Into a Bunch of Wrestling Shenanigans
Mon: Jim had Angi take a free drink from a stranger. It was from Ric Flair, he's in town for the AEW show. Ric and Angi closed down Gibson's drinking 100 fingers of whiskey. Best Day Ever! (Alive)
Tue: Jenny had Angi dive into a pile of cocaine with Ric Flair and kill herself instead of having to do wheatgrass shots with CM Punk. (Dead)
Wed: Adam had Angi get on a Divvy bike and leave Ric Flair's hotel room. She tried to get past The Buschwackers but they grabbed Angi off the bike and licked her face. Luke told Butch that she tastes like a rotissere chicken and the ended up eating her. (Dead)
Thur: Tommy had Angi hang out with the luchadors. She gets hit with a hurricana, puts on a Rey Mysterio mask and then did a tequila shot. (Alive)
Fri: Sabrina had Angi go to dinner with Scottie Pippen before the AEW show. When the bill came, Angi offered to pay the bill and Scottie was supposed to take care of the tip. The waiter was enraged by the $3 tip left on the $1,900 bill and he stabbed Angi to death. (Dead)
10 o' Clock Toast:
OnlyFans. With them tossing porn, we've been robbed of the chance of seeing Abe "do stuff" to a mayo covered cucumber with his feet ... le sigh.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "Could you imagine dying because you're going to Rochester, Mn? What a horrible way to die." - Abe
Quote: "You ever hear that saying the camera adds 10 pounds, they must have had all the cameras on her then, huh." - Minn Barb