This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
So, as it has been since the corona bomb fell onto the world, the iHeart station is essentially empty. Sure, there are a handful of stragglers still attempting to communicate to us roadies through spoken word and song but the actual building is essentially a shell. It also could be that it is Friday and you know, the whole getting reacclimated to working means that work weeks from within the building are roughly three days a week and Friday is not one of those days. Anyway, this is being brought up because this point needs an illustration. On one floor, there are all the radio stations clustered together (and allowing for easy access to seamlessly move onto other shows and steal people as need be.) On the floor directly above are all the administration offices and desks, which is where our story takes place. LikeThe Hunger Games, the floor below is lacking in pretty much everything outside of 2 year old poptarts. There are literally no supplies like pens, paper, hand soap and an unstocked liquor cabinet. While it is bad below, the floor above is a scenic recreation of The Walking Dead. When the covid bomb exploded, all the people just simply vanished. Coffee cups are still filled and sitting on desks, sweaters are left hanging on chairs, there's even a few stray emotional support animals wandering around on that floor. Donning her brown cloak disguise, Angi made her way up there yesterday for a supply run. While pillaging anything she could get her hands on, Angi knew that there were cameras watching her. Just in case, she alerted that her thievery had a proper purpose (which is the same justification she uses when she loots a Binny's.) This run gave her a topic idea, have you ever stolen anything from where you worked? As we all know, Angi loved to steal cash from her Dairy Queen job when she worked there. I'm pretty sure she was also stealing husbands when she worked at that bait shop, at least that's what Minnesota Barb told me. As for Square Kanan, he's never stolen anything because you know, vanilla straight edge lifestyle. It should be noted that everyone else who worked at Walmart stole though and they gave no F's about it. I probably should point out to Abe though that when he was eating Lunchables and drinking chocolate milk in the back while playing craps, I'm pretty sure that was considered theft. When you say "they're damaged," and consume, it's technically stealing. I should know, I worked at a toy store as a teen and I brought home a handful of "damaged" merchandise for myself and friends. Taking to the phones, the roadies had a bunch to add onto the pile of pilfered goods. Caitlyn stole supplies from a salon she used to work at and would sell them for extra cash. Tye worked at a Taco Bell when he was 16 and had no issue dropping himself some extra food when he would make orders. Donny worked at a CVS and would go into the freezer to snack all the time. Nick used to work at a movie theater and once stole a 3 gallon jar of jalapenos. Alexandria used to be in the military and I know what you are thinking but no, she didn't steal guns. Instead, like most of the other roadies, she stole food. Head Roadie Sandy decided at her last job, whe they told her to clean out her office that she really would. Everything from disinfecting wipes to post-it's went home with her from there. As for me, I mean I stole from all my teen jobs. Toys, candy, movies, cash and of course, food when I worked in fast food. The most ridiculous stolen thing does not belong to me however but a friend, who worked at a gas station and used to steal entire bricks of scratchies, which he would then cash in. Absolutely scandalous stuff and I'm surprised he's not rotting in a cell somewhere right now.
All the Rest:
Every morning I find myself wondering what newly hilarious and creative things I'm going to write about Angi's impending demise. For once, the tables are finally turned today as it seems the reaper has finally lost interest in Angi and has now set his sight on Abe. That's right, Abe is on his way out and if the complaining and general whining this morning is any indication, it won't be quietly. So what is the issue that will be taking him down? Mayo overdone, exploding guts, falling down stairs, his ankle finally giving up after many years of the dunk attempt. The answer is none of the above. In an utter shock, for whatever reason majestic giraffe Abe's neck is basically done. He is in an incredible amount of pain and he can't really move it at all. Like he is a stiff robot who has to move his entire body in a general direction if he wants to address you, which is always delightful. It's so bad that he can't even look at Angi, which lets face it, is a crime because she is a beauty to behold. Apparently this whole thing started yesterday and though it was sore than, today it became essentially immobile. He ended up having trouble sleeping and even worse though was the drive in to work. Remember, Abe can not begin his day without his Dunkin' and since there is no drive through option, he needed to actually get out of the car. Walking like a frankenstein monster that is falling apart, he had to lumber forward and fetch the coffee. He can't turn at all, his head is on a swivel and he's just coming undone. Abe took the chance earlier to also apologize for his impending behavior at the White Sox game tonight. If he meets you and he can't look in your direction because Angi hasn't turned him the right way, he is sorry. Angi did come up with a proper solution, perhaps we could just get him a wheelchair and spin him around in the proper direction of fans. Either way, this is apparently the end for Abe and if that's the case, he's going out his way. He had 4 aspirin and 2 ibuprofen when the show started and he intended to take 10 more later in the show. When pressed for how her co-host died, Angi would matter of factly state that the aspirin did Abe in. All this would occur of course as Shark prepped his spot as her new co-host. Anyway, it should also be noted that his impending doom did not stop Abe from his irrational hating. Before we finished up this segment, he rallied against Morris for sucking because it has nothing but a porn shop and a Culver's.
After another dip into Abe's broken and destroyed neck, Angi brought out a story that sounds like a drunk ninja piece. There was a man in, seriously try hard to guess what I'm going to say, that's right Florida, who once tried to bang an alligator. Well, this is another story about banging only this time, the green monster that was getting it was a pickle. Yes, a pickle, that from all accounts was bigger than his own pickle. Let me paint the scene for you dear reader. The exterior is a random townhouse owned by a complete stranger (who may or may not have been home to witness all this hot mess.) This Florida man (because where else would this happen) is lying with his back on the grass and his pants fully down to the ankles. In one hand, he has his dong and the other hand is attempting to shove this gigantic pickle up his ass. Before getting to what would naturally come next, Angi had to ask the obvious to her super straight and so macho co-host Abe. "Would you want to look out the window and see a dude with his wang in one hand and a ginormous pickle in his butt?" Abe mumbled something about his neck I think but I mean come on, who the hell would not be watching that hot mess. This was not the first trip to the impending arrest rodeo for this weirdo, as he had been arrested earlier in the week. His crime that time was not a veggie foray but a shoplifting spree at Walmart. No, he didn't steal the giant pickle but some skinny jeans and Red Bull (which kind of helps put things into perspective, I think.) I should also point out that this guy had his eyebrows dyed gray for some reason and he looks kind of like Mister Clean. Anyway, the weirdo was arrested and paid a $150 fine so make sure if you live in Florida to electric fence your veggie gardens just in case. At the end of this, it started just as it had begun, with Angi complaining about Abe's broken neck. Angi happens to believe that Abe is just using this as an excuse just to not look at her.
Finally, we've got some Drunk Ninja News! that also doubles as a PSA. Some idiot, who ironically was not from Florida though I wouldn't be shocked if this happened there had an incident. Down in Brazil, a guy was getting hammered with friends on a beach and he had to pee. Deciding the ocean was the best place to do it, he drifted into the murky waters and let loose. I know you are thinking this will be a story about one of those fishes that go up the pee hole but it is much worse. Instead, a shark came along and tried to give him a from behind hug. That didn't go as planned and instead, it ended up biting off his hand and a chunk of his leg. His friend was able to drag him to shore but the guy ended up collapsing on the beach and dying. So where does the PSA portion of this come in. It's pretty simple, if you're on the beach and need to pee, do it in the sand or on a tree. If you go in the ocean, there's a good chance a shark might try to hug you from behind. Why do I feel like this is all warning and foreshadowing for Angi though ... hmmmm?
Request Wars:
Current Champion: Tom
Champion Song Choice: "There's Only One Way to Rock"
Challenger Song Choice: "Chop Suey"
Observation: Finally, an actual player and for once in days, we can have some smack talk on both sides. Oh cool, it was awful on both ends. Song will definitely pick the winner today but color me underwhelmed.
Winner: Tom
Don't Kill Angi Weekly Recap:
This week, Angi and Abe were living it up in Vegas.
Mon: Larry had Angi run to the Vegas casino to play Blackjack, she busted at the table but she ended up playing Wheel of Fortune and netted 3.7 million dollars.
Tue: Chris had Angi take free front row Criss Angel tickets and she was mindfreaked from existence.
Wed: Tara had Angi and Abe hop on a zipline. They got stuck and after being hugged from behind by Abe, her cord snapped but luckily, she fell on a family from Green Bay which killed them but broke her fall.
Thur: Murphy had Angi play Abe's number 9 on the roulette wheel. She decided to lean forward, which caused her hair to get caught in the wheel and in turn, caused her head to be ripped off.
Fri: Maxi had Angi turn down the offer to pawn herself off for $20. Rick fromPawn Starssent her off without much thought.
10 o' Clock Toast:
White Sox. They're number 1 and the station will be celebrating rock and roll night at the ballpark.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "How do you even bang a gator, what do they even have?" - Abe
Quote: "Do gators have junk?" - Abe
Quote: "I've never seen video of gators banging, I wouldn't mind seeing it." - Abe
Quote: "If you've ever blown off a finger, you probably deserve it." - Abe
Tidbit: PSAbe: If I know you, please don't ask me for tickets.
Quote: "Taylor had DTS, Dead Titty Syndrome." - Minn Barb