This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
So, everyone always discusses the last meal that people have on death row. This is usually because it's absolutely absurd (I'm thinking the assumption is the person thinks they'll blow up when they're getting the chair) or something very strange (I think one guy ate a bible and I'm pretty sure Dahmer ate his roommate before they beat him to death with those broom handles.) Though we didn't get to hear exactly what it would be, Abe did specify that his last meal would be absolutely epic. This isn't about food though, no today we have an even more topic worth dissecting. Angi sought out an answer that I still haven't decided if I've made the right choice on (and I still have two I'm tossing between as is.) When you're about to die, what is the last song that you want to hear? For Abe, he found the choice to be quite simple, "Cemetery Gates" by Pantera. Sure, a little morbid when considering the situation but going out hard is good. As for Angi, her song is not only her last song but also her funeral theme and of course that is "Purple Rain" by Prince. However, for those who were hoping to get a peek at the newly mounted and lifted girls in the casket, you're out of luck. Angi intends to be cremated when someone/something finally kills her. When she's dead and stuffed in the urn, she wants to have a giant party with all those people she loves. Like shots, sex in the bathroom, glory holes, male strippers, coke, the whole nine yards. It should be noted by the way though that she wants an entire week of mourning once she bites it. Before she gets cooked, she also wants her body to lie in state for at least a week. Also, anyone at the funeral party will be required to wear black armbands. Oh and you better be sad for at least a week when she's dead, then you can get over it when The Abe and Shark Show (feat. Jay the Gay) premeries. Turning to the roadies, Nancy wants "Shout" by The Isley Brothers as not only her last song but also her funeral anthem as well. Head Roadie Ferrari wants "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC. We also discovered that Angi and Ferrari will be in hell together, I'll have to entertain them at the burning lake beach house my best friend Vic is holding down for me and him down there currently. Rob wants it to be "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult. Mark wants to croak while hearing "Spirit in the Sky" by Norman Greenbaum. Trashman Tim wants to be on "The Cover of Rolling Stone" by Dr. Hook when he gets crushed in his garbage truck. Head Roadie Keith wants to hear "Enter Sandman" by Metallica. He's in luck, just leave on Rock 95.5 and you're bound to hear it. Urban wants "Hells Bells" by AC/DC. Our GOAT Mario would love to hear either "Weird Fishes/Arpeggi" by Radiohead or "After Forever" by Black Sabbath. As for me, I'm still torn and it might change but currently it's either "Honey" by Tori Amos or "Impossible Soul" by Sufjan Stevens (which is also 25 mins long so I can draw out my death rattle.)
All the Rest:
Another day, another time for us to be thankful that once more, Angi is not dead just yet. Apparently deciding that she was going to be fancy this morning, Angi strolled into the studio with a new piece of jewelry this morning. That's right, she was wearing a hospital bracelet because last night, she had to go to the ER. If you've been keeping track of the Deflategate situation, ever since getting new tits, Angi has been finding herself saddled with a few new problems. For starters, as of yesterday, she hadn't pooped in 8 days. There was also the 102 fever that almost killed her last Wednesday. However, another thing that has occurred since surgery has been random migraines that have been basically keeping her from doing anything aside from lying on the couch in the dark (which minus a TV is basically every day after the show for her.) So last night, she had a migraine come on and if you've never had one, it is not a joke. It feels like someone is jackhammering in your head and face and the slightest bit of light or sound will be so intense, you'll end up vomiting. I haven't had one in years but I can literally feel the pain that she is currently suffering through. Last night, after a particularly bad one that made her puke, Angi decided to go get checked out. Luckily for her, the local hospital is only a mile from the house. Unlucky for her is the amount of potholes on the way that when Jay the Straight hit them, it felt like someone was taking a sledgehammer to her face. Waltzing into the ER like she owned the place, Angi was immediately double crippled by light and sound. As you might know, the ER is going to be brightly lit (to illuminate all the blood everywhere) and apparently this one had it's TV volume turned to 100. The movie on the TV wasRampage, which alone would make you have to go to the hospital watching it to find a way to alleviate the nausea but still, it was loud in there. It was also 10 at night and the place was packed to the brim. Though Angi was dying, the woman whose elbow felt funny was clearly more important than her. Besides, most of these people had been sitting there bleeding everywhere for almost 8 hours. Seriously, one of the entrance doors was closed off because there was a literal puddle of blood that had pooled and spread across the floor and into the hospital. Anyway, she is not wearing the bracelet for sympathy this morning because after she waited a few minutes, she decided to just go home (you know, so she could do a show for you people this morning.) The reason that it's on now is because they told her to keep it on just in case she needs to go back so she can fast pass past the guy with the broken legs and the girl who chopped all her fingers off. Thankfully for Angi (and us) she woke up this morning feeling okay. She got in her morning 100 push ups, threw a coffee at her secretary (aka me) and is back to her normal boss woman self.
Here's a question that you've probably considered but then tossed to the wayside. What's something that you were told when you were little and in turn believed, because you didn't know better. I mean, there's the easy stuff like happiness is real and other delusional ideas but let's dive into some of the more interesting ones. For Angi, when she was little she was taught that babies come from your belly button. Ironically, she didn't learn the actual truth of it all until she actually was giving birth and realized that she had been bamboozled. Another thing she also believed is that quicksand was literally everywhere. It was this idea that triggered a quick jaunt down the trauma lane for Abe who went into Neverending Story mode. No, not the longest story you've ever heard but him pulling outThe Neverending Storyas an example. Remember when that stupid horse Artax died in the quicksand, yeah apparently that was the most traumatic part of his childhood. He's clearly overlooking that time he was molested at the bike shop with Dudley but whatever, let's keep this moving along. Stepping on a crack would break your mothers back (if that was the case, mine would be a bed ridden cripple.) Abe's actual pick was if you ate and then went for a swim, you would drown. There was one that all three of us agreed on, the greatest lie we were ever told, God. Yes, I know, that's a controversial opinion but hey, we're not knocking beliefs here, just pointing out our own thoughts. Oh and before I turn to the roadies, don't forget to be careful that you don't get sucked down the drain when draining the bathtub. Head Roadie Glenn called in to mention that his drunk uncle told him that if you laugh too much, you'll get fat. Another roadie was told that if you stub your toe in Lake Michigan, you'll end up drowning in the undertow. We also have to remember when Abe was led to believe his dog Spooky went to live on a farm but learned earlier this year that it was put down. As for Angi, she was led to believe roosters could poop out $1,000 ... wait a second, that's a fact!
Finally, let's talk nostalgia, that wonderful trip down memory lane that we all seem to take far too often. In our mind, everything is rainbows, delicious sherbert and colorful flowers but the reality is usually much more bleak. Seriously, all these things we so long for always tend to be awful in reality. Take for instance all those cool snacks that existed only in the 90's, you just know that they're not going to be as amazing to you as they were back then and yet we pine for them. God, I feel like I could be writing an entire Buzzfeed article about this stuff but whatever. Anyway, this topic became a thing because noted home remodeler and part time 90's rapper Vanilla Ice found himself fiending for a trip to Blockbuster Video. As someone who worked at Blockbuster in my late teens, he's a psychopath. Younger me would kill for the abilities we have now like streaming movies and games. Anyway, this made a point that is worth considering, could it be that the 90's are the greatest decade ever? If you could bring something back from the 90's though, what would you want it to be. For Abe, it's Tower Records and Angi couldn't have agreed more. She would go there and sit there all day basically. Looking through merch, all those posters stacked side by side. Don't forget that bands used to come into record stores as well and do signings and sometimes would play songs. That's actually how Abe met Black Sabbath. Plus, you could sometimes buy concert tickets there as well. These days, outside of Reckless Records, there's really no cool place like that to hang out at anymore. As for Angi, she loved fashion from the 90's. Also, we can't forget about MTV. There wasMTV News,The Real World,MTV Spring Break,The Grind. VH1 would haveBehind the Music. Other things that they fondly remember. Abe used to love waiting in line for concert tickets, Angi loved to have Zima with grenadine. Let's not forget the snacks too. Doritos 3D, Butterfinger BB's, those Planters P.B. Crisps, Dunkaroos (though those did come back so. In fact, I bought Angi a box of them a few weeks ago.) Turning to the phone, Scott the Mailman talked about missing drive in places and playing pool. God, pool halls were huge in the 90's. In fact, you could find Angi and all her friends hanging there as teens, flirting with the older dudes and probably stealing their wallets. Tracy misses banana clips Aquanet hairspray. This sent Angi and she told us that the greatest Christmas gift she ever received was a 24 pack of pink Aquanet cans (in case you guys were wondering why it's 130 degrees outside these days.) Over in the show Facebook Group, Robert longs for racing on Archer and shopping at Venture. As for myself, I would say I definitely miss malls the most. I remember all those grand adventures of just hopping on the bus and just spending the entire weekend hanging out at the mall for hours on end. Wandering up and down it aimlessly, just taking in everything, it was so great.
Request Wars:
Current Champion: Vacant
Challenger Song Choice: "The Shortest Straw"
Challenger Song Choice: "Enter Sandman"
Observation: Well, that was uneventful. After Eric's truck blew up or something, he couldn't make it this morning. With no one willing to step up to the challenge, Tom went uncontested and won by default.
Winner: Tom
10 o' Clock Toast:
Jamie Lee Curtis. She's all around amazing, has done so many things and has a new podcast coming soon.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "Do they wash horses even, with like a broom or something?" - Abe
Tidbit: Abe Kanan Tip: Go get a medical marijuana card.