This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
Lord, its been so long since I last did one of these. Let's see if I can remember how to deep dive into the inner workings of the show in written word form. When we last left off, roughly a week and some change ago, Angi was getting ready for the Michael Jackson special. That's where she gets knocked out and has surgery to correct things that were already fine as is. As you'll recall, had you been listening or reading this word jumble I make into recaps, Angi's tit had exploded. Well, I mean exploded for dramatic purposes because everyone knows that's how you sell a movie. In reality, after years of being subjected to groping, general roughhousing and being laid on, Angi's boob finally decided it had enough of her. Deflated and defeated, she decided that she had had enough and it was time for a change. Surgery was scheduled and the day after the fireworks finally happened, Angi had her cannons swapped out. While she was a love D cup delight prior, after all was said and done, she is now a C cup with a lift. Looking perky and damn near 25 again, she seems absolutely natural af. Of course, there is a small drawback to having the old girls retired for a new pair of delectable dice. You see, due to the surgery, scaring and all that good stuff, she is forced to sling the beasts up in a sports bra for a month. Ironically, where this seemed like it would be a story of me spending time attempting to find new ways to discuss Angi's sugar cookies, this is actually a story about robbery. That's right, while she was in recovery, Angi had a bastard come steal from her. The joke was on the thief though who instead of getting something cool like a PS5, instead ended up with some black sports bras instead. Rewinding slightly, due to the nature of the surgery, Angi had to get some special sports bras (as I pointed out.) She ordered them up and waited for them to show, which took a little longer than expected. The reason was because someone decided that he wanted to get himself a handful of milk slings. After noticing the package on her porch and then it being gone, Angi ended up receiving a message from an unknown neighbor. It turned out that Angi's boulder holders were left lying in her flowerbed. The package was torn open and looked through, it was a total mess. It should be noted that Angi has a locked fence which means some idiot jumped the fence, stole a bunch of bras and ended up ditching them when he realized how worthless the bounty was. It should be noted that Angi does have security cameras (thanks John the Stalker) but ironically, the camera missed the theft. Like there was one minute of missing footage and it happened to be that. Abe suggested Angi get a ring doorbell but again, she had seen the package prior and saw it missing but somehow the actual theft went unseen. Either way, the resolution was happy for everyone involved. Angi got her mammary monster mesh to keep things in place, the neighbor was rid of the disgusting sports bras and the thief, well he got nothing like he deserved and hopefully learned a lesson from all this. The moral of this engrossing tale, don't bother stealing from Angi, she has nothing fun worth taking.
All the Rest:
Angi wasn't the only one to return with big news when the show returned this morning. It turns out that Abe also had a surprise waiting for everyone. No, he didn't finally propose to Cathy Tropicana. No, he didn't finally achieve the year of the Dunk. Before you ask, no, he did not come out of the closet finally. Abe's big news was that after what seems like talking about it for seven years, he finally moved into The Ivory Tower three days ago. Sure, there is still no couch there after the fiasco from a few months back involving getting one but he does have something to sit in. That would be what could only be described as Bray wyatt's rocking chair, which makes sense as it is not being used by WWE anymore. It is currently situated on his balcony, which must give a great view of the city below (that Abe never wants to venture into.) Not everything is amazing in The Ivory Tower though as we came to learn that Abe had an incident involving a plate. He happened to be grilling the other night and he absentmindedly grabbed hold of a hot plate. When I say hot, I mean Stamos eating yogurt shirtless on a boat kind of hot. Burning his hand (no confirmation on if it was his wanking hand or not,) he dropped the plate on the balcony and broke it. Running in, Abe did everything he could to alleviate the pain. He covered it in Neosporin, he stuffed it into a vat of water, he covered it in ice but the damage was done. The hang was blistered and apparently he lanced those blisters. Angi was absolutely disgusted by this and I'm trying not to throw up typing it myself. It turns out though that Abe is not alone in his search couch as it seems Angi is also seeking one. The problem with this is a two fold issue however. It begins with the fact that couches take at least six months to materialize now, mainly due to the pandemic and lack of overall stock. The other is price, which again due to stock and the pandemic, has sent them skyrocketing. It isn't only couches that are feeling the burden of the pandemic as Abe discovered the other day that steaks are also expensive as hell now. There is a small silver lining that comes from finally moving into The Ivory Tower, it only took him eight minutes to get to work this morning. Of course, living close is nice and all but that means that he has lost his ability to hit up his normal Dunkin in Oak Lawn. This was the best place ever, much like Cheers they knew his name and had his order always ready to go. Now he needs to find a new Dunkin' and his current go to is the one on Michigan and Washington. Unlike the vague suburban sprawl, this place was absolutely swarmed at 4 A.M. To alleviate this nightmare scenario, Abe is seeking an investor to become his angel. He wants someone to invest in a coffee shop with a drive through downtown. He would have had Angi do this but she's busy spending her money on drug dream induced stock. Now that he's moved in though, Angi is concerned about Mama Kanan, who had her sweet boy hunkered down at her place while the move transition occurred. It turns out, to celebrate Abe leaving she took a much needed vacation to Florida. While there, it seems like she's getting into a ton of fun, including Sex/Life, the Netflix show that Angi and I were busy wrapping our hands around before we hit break. Abe, who I should add, does not even have his TV set up and is lying on his stomach watching his iPad, is disgusted by all of this. Apparently, big dong is a bit much for him to indulge in the idea of Mama Kanan enjoying. Him on the other hand though, he's all for it.
So, if you've been listening, there has been a discussion about reacclimating back into the work environment. For Angi and Abe, they have been troopers who have been sticking it out since last year without issue. Hell, they even broadcasted during the pandemic while having covid. That said, people are finally starting to attempt to come back to work. Easing their way back into routine which they had been doing for years prior and suddenly forgot how to do because reasons. Today, Abe finally met one of his co-workers that he was excited to meet. However, since Abe's life is a living version of Seinfeld, it turns out that this first time meeting took place in the bathroom at work. Said co-worker, who Angi glows about and Abe was excited to befriend, had just gotten done leaving behind a part of his dignity in the toilet when Abe walked in. There was that momentary pause, the look of shame and of course, the absolutely awkward conversation that comes in a situation like this. Once his hands were washed and cleaned and the funk in the air started to subside, things were okay between the pair. Abe truly felt bad for this guy because he had been so excited to meet him but not under these circumstances. You see, he has this all mapped out as is, he sneaks off to the 28th floor where no one is currently to take care of his bathroom business. That doesn't mean that it will stay that way however as this is another week where more people are starting to finally return. Then again, some people took off when they got their covid shot so maybe it might be a few more months before anything is fully operational after all. Another note for those who are finally returning, there is traffic in Downtown Chicago. I know, I know, it's shocking but it does occur. Angi can't help but see that people have somehow forgotten how to drive and she's confused as to why this is. The magic word here again is reacclimation, society is slowly rebuilding and we are just here with the popcorn watching it unfold.
Finally, are you cheap or are you So Freaking Cheap? In today's detour into discussion, Angi explained that her post surgery recovery was spent lying on the couch all week watching TV (so in other words, a normal week, got it.) Having watched almost everything that exists in the streaming universe (outside of superhero stuff, which she isn't fond of,) Angi has turned to watching literal trash. So Freaking Cheap is a show that showcases how cheap people are. Listen, I know you want to run to your TV to watch this modern marvel of a program but finish these notes first. For Angi, this was almost a trip down memory lane because growing up, she was poor. Like food stamps, lived in a trailer, worked at a bait shop kind of poor. Poor enough that her mom would make her bring home plastic sandwich baggies so they could reuse them. Abe was also poor growing up but it was more poor but not lacking (preaching to the choir on that one.) Angi didn't understand the concept of poverty but when she went to other friends' houses and saw food, it was crazy to her sometimes. Turning to the phones, Giann talked about how her mom used to go to McDonald's and would reuse not only the large plastic cups but also the cardboard ones. No shame in reusing those large plastic cups, as Abe's mom used to reuse them and I would use them all the time as a kid as well (they were especially good for large glasses of ice water.) All this talk of reuse got Angi to discuss her love of refilling her water bottles. I mean, sure, she's refilling them with vodka and bringing them to work but still. Kelly's mom used to reuse coffee grounds, which is something Angi's step mom did as well apparently. Linda's mom used to reuse pickle jars as drinking glasses, which makes her an OG hipster I guess. Also, her mom used to boil and reuse toothbrushes and there is where a line definitely needs to be drawn. Debbie's dad used to buy whole milk and would water it down to turn it into 2%, which sounds disgusting and she is right to never drink milk again. We ended this cheaply produced topic by pointing out people who would buy Whoppers for 99 cents and go home and put cheese on them. This person was Jose, who Abe threw under the poverty bus for the sake.
Request Wars:
Current Champion: Marissa
Champion Song Choice: "Head Like a Hole"
Challenger Song Choice: "Run to the Hills"
Observation: This was okay, not phenomenal but I'm assuming we're all knocking off our ring rust. I'm leaning toward Cowboy on this as his smack was a bit better and come on now, it's Maiden.
Winner: Windy City Cowboy
10 o' Clock Toast:
The iHeart Party. A party that Angi missed out on, that Abe not only went to but spilled a considerable amount of tea from and show friend and Angi bestie Harvey Cosby aka Shark was there as well.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "I wanna throw nets on all criminals." - Abe