This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
"Alexa, play The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now."
Break out your Smiths records, Angi is acting all emo again today. Usually, there's like six hundred things that will trigger her spiral into a black hole of sadness and despair but today, she actually had a valid reason to break out the passive aggressiveness. There apparently was a party last weekend being thrown by "someone" she used to work with. Here's the thing though, our hostess with the mostest (tits ... at least for another two weeks) wasn't invited to the party. This is not some stranger or random jobber, no this is a person she has an active relationship with that she talks to all the time. To further rub salt into her hurt wounds, even new people were invited to the party but she was left off the guest list. Instead of doing the rational thing like saying, "hey, what's going on?" she instead decided to take it live to air and put those grievances across the waves. She has a firm belief that she has been excommunicated but she's not entirely sure why. Seriously, she literally can not come up with a reason as to why she wouldn't be invited. I can attest, as someone who has partied with Angi fairly recently, she was literally the life of the party and a total blast. The random idiots and strangers she met had nothing but good things to say about her. A further fold into her annoyance is that she has parties all the time and she literally invites everyone to them. This list includes but is not limited to best friends, great friends, good friends, friends, acquaintances, friends of friends and even people she doesn't like. Abe decided to chime in from a delusional world where he suggested that if he had a party he would invite Angi, in fact she would be number one on his list. We know all of this is a lie because Abe Kanan would literally never throw a party, even if someone put a gun to his head. However, if something were to happen that would keep Abe from being on air, like if he broke his leg (what?) or his throat closed up, he would never forget about Angi. Sure, let's get away from that vortex and back to Angi. The whole point of this discussion aside from airing her passive aggressive laundry was the question as to whether she should say something. She talked to others who were there and said "hey, how was the party," to which they replied with curiosity as to why she wasn't there. Now we've reached that part of the notes where she thinks everyone hates her. However, she has come up with the perfect revenge plan. She's going to have a massive party to unveil her new tits once everything is settled. To show that she's the better person, she's not inviting anyone she used to work with. She's even more annoyed because fairly recently she was gassing up the person that didn't invite her to the higher ups. That's right, unlike King of ish talk Abe, Angi says nothing but good things behind people's backs (cough wheeze laughter wheeze.) I think the real problem here was Angi really wanted to go and she had such an amazing gift that she intended to bring. Alas, I guess it wasn't meant to be. Head Roadie Erin called in to offer that she would invite Angi to a party if she had one. She also said that perhaps Angi should just approach that person to get peace of mind. Of course, Abe had a better idea, why not just drag them into the studio and humiliate them on air. Sadly, Angi shot that down because she wants to seem above things and doesn't want to give that person the satisfaction of knowing that she was bothered about it.
All the Rest:
Sometimes things go off the rails later in the show and sometimes you get a news story about a guy who hid meth in his penis pouch and things fall sideways before 6:30 A.M. The story, as I said above, was part of "What's Up" and the long of the short was this noted criminal Shaft Bang Adams really tried to use his head to hide his crystal (see what I did there.) This story led to questions, proclamations and a call in. Let's start with the questions, such as Abe asking if he had to tie his foreskin with a rubber band to keep the rocks from falling out. He compared rubberbanding it like one would a bag of bread. Does it need to be unrolled, like a can of dough? This led into the proclamation portion of our HEAD Talk (see, get it, TED Talk ... HEAD Talk ....) Abe happens to find uncircumcised penises absolutely disgusting and he feels bad for anyone cursed with one. He truly feels bad for them, all that extra skin. Plus, it's a horrifying site and it looks like they are wearing a scarf and honestly, who would want that. After the straightest man in the room Abe finally got done with ranting, Angi chimed in with her thoughts. Angi explained that when you see one, you're always surprised. This makes sense to me because me and a few of the other gays always called them demonic jack-in-the-boxes. Abe wondered if this was something that should be reported ahead of time to a lady (or in my case fellow.) Angi won't ask but if she encounters one, she can make it work. Besides, once you're ready to go, it's not really going to be an issue anymore. Abe wasn't sure if that was exactly how it worked as he hasn't seen many uncircumcised penises in his research. To help clarify some things, a police officer called in to explain that yes, you do unroll the d dough to find what's hidden inside it. They've found rocks and such in some and there was one woman who had a gun shoved up in her bad place. Abe was curious to ask whether or not there was any other good places to hide stuff? This was followed up by wondering if the cops laid a plastic bag underneath the person as they went searching for treasures. Let's cap this off by making a point of two other things that came from this. We learned that Abe will definitely not donate sperm unless he was being paid $100,000. Also, I think Abe is going to become an advocate for circumcision after this whole mess.
In the discussion topic for the morning, Angi dug up a story about Snoop Dogg discussing smoking weed. He specifically had made a point of saying lord of the Big Dope Energy Pete Davidson can not hang with the big dogg. However, Snoop did point out that he can't hang with everyone's favorite grandpa Willie Nelson, who outsmoked him silly the one time they did together. This led Angi to assume that partying with Snoop would be really fun. Her question then became as to which celebrity would you like to party with. Abe, without thought or hesitation, said Matthew McConaughey. Honestly, the fact that he didn't say Stamos, I'm firmly in the camp of believing that there truly is trouble in paradise with the pair. Angi was confused as to why Abe would want to party with McConaughey, as he smokes a ton of weed and Abe doesn't. Plus he would end up getting naked and playing the bongos and oh, I get why Abe would want to hang with him now. Angi would have loved to party with Mötley Crüe back in the day, at least the non heroin part of the partying. Abe also added in Dave Grohl and Angi agreed, he'd be hella fun. Always drinking beers on stage, he would make you brisket. Turning to the phones, Angi got the trouble that was to be expected by opening this can of worms. Roadie Tony said he'd like to party with Angi and we discovered that she'd be fun anywhere. Angi in a ditch, Angi in a barrel, it's always a party with her. Roadie Pat said he would want to party with Charlie Sheen, which sounds a bit sketchy to me. There was actually a shock between Angi and Abe that he's actually still alive. Then again, Mick Fleetwood is still kicking and so is Keith Richards and oh I'm starting to see the pattern now. Well, if that's the case then Angi is more than likely going to live forever. That said, I would want to party with anyone who is rich. Just think about it this way, you party with them and they realize you're cool, suddenly you're in the inner circle and they're just throwing money and expensive stuff at you!
Finally, let's take this day before the weekend to do a deep dive into a pile of porn and coke. Angi brought up the story of a former Australian police officer who was busted on video snorting coke off of a stripper. I should add that his ex-fiancée was also involved in the blow clean up. However, it isn't all bad for the cop whose face could stop traffic (Google him, he's not attractive.) Turns out that he decided to turn bad career ending choices into lemonade by deciding to create an OnlyFans account with said ex-fiancée. Abe is curious about a few things and this is why I had to use this as my last point for the notes today (if you listen to the podcast, check out the Angi and Abe in the bathroom discussion for more comedy.) So Abe wanted to know first and foremost, why would this guy be fired? Angi pointed out the obvious, you know, doing coke and being a police officer. "Who cares, it's awesome!" Next up, Abe was curious as to who is doing this? By this he meant who as in those guys who are "playing with themselves." Abe mentioned that police officers in Chicago are able to have beards now, maybe next they'll be able to do coke off strippers. In fact, soon to be running for mayor Abe Kanan offered this as part of his platform. "Anyone should be able to do coke." Anyone but Abe, that is, countered Angi knowing that it would not be safe for him for plenty of obvious reasons. This led to a final amazing question. "Has anyone ever died doing coke?" I mean, I feel like Angi shouldn't have had to answer that and I feel dumb even indulging that but let's be real here, it turns out that Angi is working with a 13 year old boy.
Request Wars:
Current Champion: Kylie
Champion Song Choice: "What's Up?"
Challenger Song Choice: "Highway Tune"
Observation: Well that was certainly a situation where one went ... nowhere and the other went low. Attacking the music vs. incest cracks, the smack was completely outweighed today and the song choices couldn't be more different. I'm giving this one to Kylie.
Winner: Kylie
10 o' Clock Toast:
Britney Spears. This poor woman's life is absolute hell and she's being abused basically on a regular basis and it needs to stop.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "I'll sell anything, I'm a minimalist now." - Abe
(Sus) Quote: "Ugh god, uncircumcised is disgusting." - Abe
Quote: "Who are these guys always playing with themselves all day?" - Abe
Quote: "Has anyone ever died from coke?" - Abe
(Sus) Quote: "Hey Shark, let's meet in stall 3, I wanna show you my ball." - Abe