This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
So, as she tends to do every day that ends in the word "day," Angi was lying on the couch drinking wine and flipping through the channels yesterday. She ended up landing on hilarious child abuse sagaMommie Dearest. It turns on that it was central to being her trauma movie as a kid, who knew. In fact, she would even call her mom "mommie dearest" when she would act mean toward her. Abe has somehow never seen the movie so Angi had to run him through all the classics. "No Wire Hangers EVER!," "I'm bigger, I'm faster, I will always beat you," "Tina, bring me the axe," "Don't F with me fellas!" This trip down the childhood trauma lane got her thinking about, well, trauma. She was curious as to what others found themselves reeling from as kids that have left deep rooted seeds of mess inside the brains of us fully formed adults. For Abe, it wasA Very Brady Christmas, you know when the building fell on one of them or whatever. Then Carol had to sing and the angelicness of it all caused whichever now adult version of Brady child to find the strength to move a 50,000 ton piece of rubble off him. Oh and someone made a joke aboutMiracle on 34th Streetbecause the building was on 34th street. Sure, anyway, Angi mentioned that the Brady's go to Hawaii episode traumatized her. Remember Greg found that tiki idol and he got hit with a surfboard and there was that tarantula in their bed and Greg did Carol in the shower. Ah classic TV of our youth. You know what triggers Angi and Abe as well, dogs and kids dying. Angi made a point aboutOld Yellerand then went on to showcase that she's a bad mother. Apparently she let her, at the time, 5 year old daughter watchCharlotte's Web, which made her kid cry. Keep drinking that wine dear, all those bad thoughts will subside at some point. There was a mention ofThe ShiningandThe Exorcist IIbut Angi pretty much made a point of saying she hates horror movies in general (not me though, I love them and my Shudder account has paid for itself 10x over.) Still not content with showing up how messy the inside of his head is, Abe took a trip down trauma way by recallingDifferent Strokes. Remember when Dudley got molested at the bike shop. Angi certainly remembers it as Abe tends to bring that episode up at least once every two weeks it seems (cry for help?) There was small chatter about how almost all sitcoms had trauma episodes but we moved past that swiftly and took to the phones. Chris called to mention thatTrilogy of Terrordid her in, especially that incredibly creepy segment with the doll. For Anthony, it wasITthat sparked his irrational fear of clowns. Angi agreed with him and between Pennywise and Gacy, she's absolutely terrified by clowns (note to self, send a clown to her house randomly as a prank.) Abe dug quite deep for his next reference,Dr. Giggles, that turd of a horror movie when we were kids was yanked out for some reason. Ron called in to talk about and trigger Angi overFaces of Death. If you've never seen it, it's mostly faked footage of "real" deaths caught on film. You know who hasn't seen that trash, Angi because every time guys would break it out at parties in high school, she would leave the room. Matchmaker Abe suggested that perhaps Angi should go watch it with Ron this weekend. As for myself,Halloween('78) and the opening fromTales from the Darksideliterally did numbers on me as a kid. Look at me now though, I'm a well adjusted adult who writes notes for 5 hours every morning ... cool.
All the Rest:
So the weather outside is uh, not great but there is a shimmering nugget of good news to spread this morning. Science, you know that thing that brought us a vaccine and allows us to finally have lives again, has determined something very interesting about metalheads. As it turns out, listening to metal and rock music actually has a ton of benefits to it. First and foremost, people who listen to metal music tend to have lower blood pressure. Thank god for this by the way because I sometimes think I'm going to stroke out hearing some of the stuff Abe says every morning. People who listen to metal are more likely to have sex in their car. As we came to learn, Abe has had like, a ton of sex in his car. Back seat, front seat, on the hood, in the trunk, with his legs dangling out the window as he laid on his stomach and ate Doritos. Moving right along, people who listen to rock and metal are among the happiest of music fans. The second happiest is a big surprise, jazz, which I only seem to find joy in when I'm drunk and giving a lecture about why I hate a particular person or why peeing in the shower makes sense. It's also been discovered that opposing believed thought, listening to death metal actually makes people happy and not angry. People who listen to metal are, in fact, safer drivers. That said, it should be noted that there is a college in Australia that is offering two different classes on metal and you can end up getting a PHD in it as well.
So looking forward to this waterlogged hellscape of an upcoming weekend, it seems Angi is supposed to go to a bridal shower on Sunday. Notice how I said
"supposed to" but after today's show, I would not be surprised if she doesn't just end up face down in a puddle somewhere for all the things she has to endure. Seriously, check the quotes below, Saint Angi wants a cross. Anyway, it's going to be a bridal shower with 50 women. When checking the evite, Angi noticed that there was no gift registry on the email. Asking around, she came to discover that the only thing the bride seems to want is lingerie. That's right, 50 girls and 50 different pieces of lingerie. It would seem that this girl is hell bent on just doing an absolute brick ton of banging. This led Angi to ponder, do guys actually like lingerie? Turning to the straightest man she knows, Abe, she sought answers. Abe's answer was based on look, like if it looked good on the girl then sure, why not. In other words, it doesn't really matter because it's going to end up on the floor anyway. Abe questioned as to whether or not she felt weird wearing it. She went on to explain that honestly, it makes her feel stupid and it's just not comfortable. It's really not something she enjoys doing. It probably could be explained and summed up in the fact that she's been with Jay the Straight for 14 years and if she were to walk in wearing, say crotchless panties, he would probably just start laughing at her. Plus, don't forget, after she got done sitting down and crying, they would have to throw that chair out.
Finally, forever suffering show husband Jay the Straight is out of town for the weekend. He is currently in Costa Rica at a 25 dude bachelor party. Angi is unphased by all of this because it gives her more time to drink and lay on the couch unbothered. Of course, Abe attempted to ruffle feathers by explaining that Costa Rica happens to have amazing call girls. As a rule of thumb, they are called call girls while alive and hookers when they are dead. Not that Mr. Straight Edge White Bread Kanan would know this, but he does have friends who have hooked up with them down there. In fact, Abe knows a ton of guys who have banged a call girl. He knows this one guy, weighing in at 500 pounds, who would hire a call girl for the night. He would take her to dinner and they'd go back to his place and he would feed her ham wallet a roll of quarters. Anyway, Angi dipped a toe in the wading pool by explaining that she once hooked up with a stripper. This led to Angi discussing a poundable uhh doesn't matter but I'm sure if you consider a flash light you'll know where this is going (I so wish I could make a point here about what I really wanted to say, which is Mega F Slut: 18 pounds of real poundable kitty.) Anyway, Abe retorted that Angi has a Tito Ortiz fake penis. No, not one that was made as a mold from his junk but that one he used so he could pass a drug test. As this delightfully flew off the rails and into the ocean that's developed outside under a vidock, Angi decided to take a call. It was everyone's favorite Trucker Jim, who called to tell the story of how he went to a bachelor party once and what occurred within. Was this going to be radio clean, they asked? Of course (it wasn't.) Trucker Jim began to explain how there were two strippers who showed up and the one held the other girl's legs open and well, needless to say the call had to be ended there. If Angi doesn't make it into the show on Monday and you're listening to The Abe and Shark Show, it's because she went and drowned herself in a puddle outside her house.
Request Wars:
Current Champion: Kylie
Champion Song Choice: "Can't You Hear Me Knocking"
Challenger Song Choice: "I Don't Wanna Stop"
Observation: Meh, this was nothing special. I mean, there were little glimmers of interest here and there but this is another case where I feel that the song will dictate the winner.
Winner: Vito
Don't Kill Angi Weekly Recap:
This week, roadies attempted to get Angi to the Guns N' Roses concert.
Mon: Jessie sent Angi off on a ride with Slash that ended up with her being tossed from his limo and into the path of a CTA bus. - Dead
Tue: Brian had Angi show her deflated/perky boobs to a lying homeless man. - Alive
Wed: Christina fed Angi a filet instead of the special which led to a chandelier falling on Angi's head. - Dead
Thur: Andrew had Angi playing the shell game on the train. She won her $20 back by choosing the literal right shell and she ended up getting shot. - Dead
Fri: Dave had Angi run past a security guard with her bottle of Jack and he realized that she was from Rock 95.5 and he let it slide. - Alive
10 o' Clock Toast:
Jason Brown. He offered up Angi another first pitch for The White Sox. She offered it up to Abe and wants him to do it.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "People just take dumps on the floor of Walmart, that's just something they do." - Abe.
Quote: "Most people do not bang hookers." - Abe
Quote: "Girls like drugs." - Abe
Quote: "That's why I recommend that all single dudes carry drugs." - Abe
Quote: "I suffer, I am Lady Angela on the cross." - Angi
Quote: "Hey, that's what happens when you let your whole town treat your boobs like a speed bag, you know." - Minn Barb