This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
So, it was Reopening Weekend and this will be the last time we beat this point to death I swear. The thing is, Angi definitely knows that someone puked this weekend. In fact, Jay the Straight partied too hard while he was in Philly for work and threw up something nasty. Tequila, his go to drink of choice, is what sent him flying over the edge. As for Angi, her go to vomit friend is shots. Personally, I can't with shots as well, they make me gag for some reason but I have no problem drinking from a bottle. For the record, that's the only thing that makes me gag (gay whore flex.) Also, Jameson shots also make Angi puke as well. So since we're discussing what causes our visits to the vomitorium, Angi wanted to know what it is that causes you to upchuck. It doesn't only need to be drinks, food is also allowed in this barf fest. Abe, a man who never parties (at least from what we've created as a narrative in our head,) has never made Abe puke. His stomach when it comes to liquor is made of iron and gold but he does have a weakness it seems. Some type of berry shake he had at a diner once made him sick for like a week (we're assuming it was food poisoning though.) Angi just feels though that Abe does not throw down, he is not the machine that she was/is (and to a lesser extent, in my days I was a beast as well, trust me.) Angi just can not wrap her head around the idea of Abe doing shots and she really wants to see him hammered. Abe offered to do so in Vegas because of course it either always comes back to Vegas, Stamos or Rudy with him. Before heading to the phones and then off the literal deep end, Angi also explained that she was never big on beer and Jameson and Jose Cuervo are her go throw ups but she will still mess with Jameson. Going to the phones, Trashman Tim checked in to discuss how he overindulged in Rupplemintz. Anthony did not puke this past weekend but any form of brown liquor will absolutely send him. Speaking of brown liquors, Angi and them are not friends anymore (same bitch, same.) Abe then asked a question that derailed this whole thing and made this into an entirely different segment (a twofer if you will, there were two of those today in these notes alone.) Abe wondered if Angi holds her nose while she does shots (she does not.) Then he wondered if she holds her nose while she jumps into a pool (she also does not do that.) This led to her explaining that contrary to a non established belief but today's show was all over the place as is, Angi is actually a really good swimmer. In fact, she used to do triathlons all the time. There was a moment where Abe started to ask dumb questions about sharks, swimming underwater and holding your breath. Not only is Angi amazing at everything, she is also a fast swimmer. However, Abe is not a fast swimmer or even a good swimmer. Thankfully, Angi is here to save the day as she always does and so she offered Abe the chance to learn to swim from her. She said they're going to have lessons, where it will start with breaking and then move on to kicking. However, you will not see Abe go on the diving board because he had a traumatic incident with one when he was a kid (at this rate, I'd be shocked to not find something that Abe has not been traumatized by when he was young.) At best, Abe can doggie paddle but even that does not feel right at all for him. Luckily, Abe does have a life jacket (embroidered with his name on it to boot) that he probably carries around with him any time he is near water. Anyway, let's close out this fever dream with a pipe dream, Angi is going to teach Abe to swim this summer. There's of course already stipulations in place. He doesn't want to learn at the gym, he wants to learn in a private pool. You see, public pools always have bandaids floating in them. Also, at this private pool, he doesn't want anyone there aside from him and Angi. Ironically, there's an app that you can use to find rentable pools but even with that, I have this feeling we'll never hear about this again.
All the Rest:
Ah the weekend, closed off to us once again until it returns to tease us with summer days once more after a grueling work week. However, this past weekend was special as well, as it was not only scorching hot outside but it also was Reopening Weekend, a time where we were finally allowed to go nuts once again. So of course, the opening topic of the show will be the things that occurred this past weekend, after all it was a big deal (and we certainly made a point of how it was on Friday's show.) Starting with Abe, he spent most of the weekend lying with no one but himself, on his stomach and in the air conditioning. That was until yesterday, which was his brother Sam's 41 birthday (I know Sam very well, he's great.) The thing is though, Abe was secretly recovering from a trauma that occurred on Friday but more on that in a moment. On to messy ass Angi, who went to the Old Town art fair on Friday and then got stupid drunk out on her patio with friends. They were hammered, singing loudly and just being absolutely sloppy messes, as one would expect when the husband is away for the weekend. It was fun though and Angi did make it to the show today so I guess this is considered a total win-win situation. After a small interlude that involved Abe talking about the time that Axl played a show with Queen at Wembley after Freddie Mercury died (video link posted on the webpage,) we got some more details on Angi's art fair romp and Abe's secret trauma. Angi mentioned it did feel very weird to be walking around the Old Town art fair without a mask on and at times it felt a little off. It should be noted that people were packed like sardines at the fair so that led to a weird blend of feeling wrong but also oddly liberating, as though things truly are finally going right. Regardless, Angi stopped wearing her mask, including inside the iHeart building on Friday. It seems that the security have also gotten lax about wearing theirs as well but you know who has also stopped, a family fromDeliverance. I know you were thinking I was going to say Abe but this does actually involve him so you know, pulled a sneaky one on ya there. On Friday after the show, a family pulled from theDeliverancecinematic universe showed up at the building and it was a literal horror show. Outside of the inbred looks and mannerisms, they were also spitting and breathing everywhere. Though Abe is excited by the idea of not having to wear a mask anymore, he feels like some people should be required to. It should be noted that by some people I mean these people in particular but as we know, the list would probably grow three sizes given time to work with. He then went on to suggest that bags would probably be a better option to put on their heads because he didn't really want to look at them but also it would help deal contain the gross (knowing Abe, he'd want it to be a plastic bag as well.) While in the elevator that they invaded and drooled all over next to Abe, they were discussing some kind of old oven. Abe was confused as he assumed these backwoods people cooked with an iron. It should be noted he tried to get security's attention to have the family taken out and shot but it did not work unfortunately. I probably should add that this whole thing probably ended with some kind of backwoods assault in the parking garage but Abe bottles everything up so I guess we'll never know.
Continuing on with the theme of weird things Abe talked about this morning, he was inspired to go on a diatribe. This one was directed at girls who are wearing too short of short shorts and their ass meat is hanging out of the shorts. Well, I should correct myself slightly here and explain that it's awesome to Abe when certain girls wear short shorts (J-Lo, Mila Kunis, Megan Fox, Stamos in a wig) but when the rest of the pigs do it, he is just not for it. These cattle should have the decency to consider that these are public seats and people are going to be sitting on them. Angi was flabbergasted (as one is when put into a wacky conversation such as this) but Abe tried to help explain it in a way she could context it. She would be offended if say Jon Lovitz wore those kinds of shorts but she wouldn't bat an eyelash if David Beckham did. If people overlook the fact that these monsters are wearing these type of shorts, then the uggos should at least have the decency to put a tissue or a garbage bag down where they are sitting. What triggered this rant, well apparently Abe saw someone in the building on Friday (I'm assuming before theDeliverance assault scene in the elevator) that was sitting on the station's leather seats in these disgusting shorts. Then he had another stroke of genius, forget sitting on a garbage bag, they should just sit on a newspaper. It didn't matter btw that he had no intention of sitting on the seat, it was just a lot of ass he didn't want to see. I should probably note that this, THIS, was the worst thing that happened to him all weekend. Seat pollution people, it is a thing and it will apparently trigger Abe. Seeing as this was a good time to slide in a point, Angi discussed a list she saw of things that people secretly judge you for. Some of these it seemed weird to consider secret as I would outwardly (and sometimes do) give grief over a few of them. This list included but was not limited to:
- People who forget your name or uses the wrong name (after meeting you a few times.) - Kind of how you go for coffee and you get called Ahbay or Abbib.
- People who use speakerphone in public. - Abe added Facetime to this list as well.
- People who are rude to a waiter. - Self Note: As someone who had someone close who worked in the service industry, you're a scumbag.
- People who overshare on social media. - All those pics of your kids and family on social media, no one cares. All your problems being aired out, no one cares. Your daily schedule and itinerary being listed, no one cares. Self note: I know these people, I hate them, I talk endlessly about them to others.
- People who leave shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot.
- People who have disgusting bathrooms at their homes. - Self note: clean up your bathroom, pigs.
- People who say they don't like animals. - This will cause Angi to judge you and make Abe point out that serial killers kill animals.
- People who speed up to block you when you put your turn signal on. - These idiots would rather crash into you then let you in. Angi's thought on it was simple "don't road or roid rage."
Finally, let's finish off this weird day with another twofer. First and foremost, Abe is never moving into The Ivory Tower. In the laundry list of reasons as to why he can't push himself to move into his DogeCoin palace, the newest involves the lack of a couch. The one that he ordered was broken and upon returning it, he has yet to order a new one. I should also add that he still hasn't moved all of his stuff in yet outside of the couch. Even the bed is not in there, all stashed away in the storage unit. Sick of hearing about it I'd assume, Angi suggested that he just put a lawn chair in it (plus he could start an OnlyFans as well.) Anyway, going onto the topic, here's a list of things you should not have in your living space if you are 30 or over. Inflatable furniture (Abe had an inflatable bed but it's stashed in the storage unit as well.) Stuffed animals, plastic cups and silverware, old trophies. Yep, this was probably a read about Abe's Pinewood Derby trophy that he refuses to throw out. Angi suggested he mount it somewhere in The Ivory Tower, like on the toilet. I suggest that he mount it in a trash can. A super old mattress, a dream catcher, paper floor lamps, anything space themed, cork board, shot glasses as decor and of course, neon beer signs. Flipping to the secondary piece of things we learned as takeaways from today's show. Angi presented us with a list of men that women should never date. There was the serial cheater, for the obvious reason. A guy who knows everything, no one wants that garbage. A mansplainer because they will undercut you at every turn. Though of course, Abe wanted to complain about womansplainers but guess what, this is about dumping on men and not women right now. The closed book, who is constantly closed off and will never let you in (cough Abe cough.) Eye candy, you know he look good and he is very self aware of it. He thinks he is amazing but he's not. Guys who take longer to get ready then their girlfriend is always a no. The party animal will go through life and never consider anything serious. Angi added in to never date a guy who won't bring you around his friends because that means he's either embarrassed of you or you're his side chick. To finish this whole shebang off, Franchesca said not to date a gaslighter because they are, surprise surprise, total sociopaths.
Request Wars:
Current Champion: Mike
Challenger Song Choice: "Beast and the Harlot"
Champion Song Choice: "Enemy"
Observation: Ben swung first but Mike swung harder. After that the whole smackaround turned into Aaron Carter vs. Lamar Odom and everyone ended up disappointed but at least the song choices were both tight.
Winner: Mike
10 o' Clock Toast:
Abe Kanan and Big Poppa. Abe and Big Poppa are in love and Angi is here for it. Angi thinks they want to lie together in a pile of mayo.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "If you're fromDeliverance, you probably cook with an iron." - Abe
Quote: "I feel like anyone in that dog show has sex with their dog." - Abe
Quote: "Everyone loves this show, even the spanish stations listen to us instead." - Abe
Quote: "How manyRudyreferences do you make in a week?" - Angi
Quote: "Maybe if you have multiple wives, you eat that type of candy (Hundred Grand Bars.)" - Abe
Quote: "You (Abe) don't know about stuck porn?" - Angi