This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
So, Angi is suffering from an affliction and she's looking to RoadieMD to help diagnose her issue. She seems to believe she has arthritis but she needs to be told what it feels like in order to know if she does or not. It should be noted that she is a hypochondriac and Abe is absolutely useless when it comes to helping. That said, let's rewind to how we arrived at her having issues in the first place. You see, it was that summer of late, two years ago to be exact and Angi was on a boat at a work function. (Not) drunk off her ass, she was doing the "Cupid Shuffle" and in a left turn, she instead decided to do the floor shuffle. Knowing better to guard with the hands then anything else when breaking a fall, she ended up breaking her wrist as well. Screaming in pain and delusional to the point of almost passing out, the boat was luckily just about to dock when she took her tumble. Anyway, after being rushed off to rehab and then the hospital, she ended up having a plate put in her hand and had to have physical therapy. It was there she was told that she would probably have arthritis down the line. So back to the present, two years later, pain is finally happening and grandma is starting to come undone. It should be noted that she did have to wear a cast and as pointed out to Abe who needed to be reminded two seconds later, there was a metal plate in there as well. Even though the old woman has a bionic hand (which is great for shucking corn and handling cucumbers,) the pain is still present. It should be noted that this is not a constant pain btw, it hurts here and there but not every single day. Turning to the phones to hopefully shed some light on her "trauma," she instead got diagnosed by Abe. Head Roadie Bill checked in to suggest that maybe it wasn't arthritis but gout. After a little back and forth the best advice I could pull from this was Bill should get off the red sauce and jump on the alfredo. Also, it was now firmly planted in Abe's ADHD mind that Angi totally has gout and nothing anyone was going to say otherwise will probably change this thought. Mike, who has had 7 surgeries after having his arm torn off! in his 20's, suggested that it had to do with the weather shifting. Perhaps Angi had her arm torn off, Abe pondered as Angi more than likely cracked open the studio wine at 6:30 A.M. Weirdly enough, the only part of the reattached arm that tends to hurt on Mike is his wrist when the weather changes. When it was all said and done, the final diagnosis was gout and as I said, nothing is going to change Abe's mind on that so Angi has gout.
All the Rest:
It's Monday morning and so that means we are privy to learning what new problems arose in the life of Angi Taylor over the weekend. Well, this time it wasn't necessarily the weekend but this morning that the issue sprang to life. As she and I learned last weekend sitting drunk at my kitchen table after midnight, Uber's (and by extension Lyft's) are literally impossible to find. Like seriously, Angi can not get anyone to give her a ride to save her life unfortunately. This wouldn't matter if you know, she wasn't plagued by troubles (more on that in a moment) but we all know who I'm talking about. The issue of course extends from this delightful pandemic that we've finally started to turn a corner on and several factors that have sprung forth because of it. First and foremost, no one wants to drive because the incentive to sit at home and collect free money is too glorious atm. Factor that in with their overall fleet being down because no one was going out during the pandemic and you have a recipe for disaster (my deceased best friend was a twice a day Uber rider so I know this all too well, especially during the pandemic.) However, with all issues there is always advice and Abe was here to offer some up this morning. An insider tip if you will, that was less tip and more reality check. If you're not currently working, you best be hopping on something soon because come September, all that extra free money is going away. Once the prosperity well dries up, it's only a matter of time before the panic racing for jobs commences and you're left holding a proverbial bag of dog poop if you wait too long. Right now, you have the pick of the litter when it comes to jobs so you should jump on it. Anyway, back to Angi, who couldn't find an Uber (or Lyft) this morning from her house after discovering the air in her tire was low. As I said as well earlier, we had the same problem last weekend trying to get her drunk ass home from my house. Opting not to drive the 10 minute ride in Jay the Straight's beast ride, she woke him and made him drive her. Abe offered another suggestion, filed under useless: a cab! Yeah, no, that's worse than finding an Uber plus again the ride is short. How about biking? Well, it turns out the families entire fleet of bikes were all stolen the moment they moved in. Like they were hidden and somehow they were all still lifted. Abe assumed it was an inside job, that the neighbors had something to do with it. I probably should mention for those that don't know but Angi lives next to Francis fromPee Wee's Big Adventure. Anyway, if you drive for Uber, you're probably going to make a ton of cash but right now, between the lack of drivers and surge pricing, getting out of the house is probably going to be a nightmare.
Angi was inspired this morning by noted billionaire playboy cheater and all around monster Jeff Bezos. It turns out he's going to space in a few weeks because what else is there for him to do aside from roll in his piles of money. This dumb idea inspired Angi, would you go to space and if so, what are you going to do once you get there? Before we could dissect this kind of interesting thought process, Abe offered up that he would go nowhere if he had Bezos money. Of course, this isn't really saying much when Abe has already said that he wouldn't go anywhere as it is, money or not. Basically, the whole point of this excursion is so Bezos can get a few shots for his Instagram. He did use some excuse about how he's always wanted to go to space since he was a kid but we all know that showing off is more important. Furthermore it was explored like what are you going to do once you're actually up there. There's no TV, there's no HBO Max, why even bother? All you're going to do is float for a little while, how boring. Angi is completely against going to space btw, she's way too scared. So it seems that neither of our hosts plan on leaving the planet anytime soon, I guess that's something good. Abe was curious though as to whether or not the new piece that he's banging would end up getting his cash if his head exploded in space or doesn't he have kids, why not give the money to them? Who cares about space? You spent 2.8 million dollars to go up and come back down, oh boy! That said, I think he makes like 2.8 million dollars every few minutes so it's not like he's losing out on real cash. Abe also treated us to some other space threats we wouldn't have perceived once up there. Like what if they run into the HBO satellite with the ship. What if it was to get hit by an asteroid or blown up by the Death Star (seriously, I'd pay 2.8 million for a half hour inside Abe's head vs. going to space.) Angi finished this off by taking it a step further. If you were to go to Mars, that's it, there's no coming back. Guess what though, if you go to Mars, there's no Starbucks, no cocktails (I'm surprised this wasn't first on her list,) and no strip clubs. I guess I'm taking my name off that Mars registry now, no cocktails, no thanks!
Finally, Angi brought us a fun game of complaining disguised as a question. What's something that is currently legal that should be illegal? The two prime examples that garnered the most votes from wherever she found this were robo calls and junk mail. It was a no brainer for both Angi and Abe who decided that robocalls should be illegal (I happen to completely agree with them on this one.) The rationale here is that at least when you get junk mail, you can toss it without much hassle. For whatever reason though, Abe feels bad for those idiots who are spending money sending junk mail (loser.) Angi (smart girl) does not care about those losers. This allowed for the flood gates to open and for the topics to spill out. Child beauty pageants are absolutely disgusting according to Abe. Health care costs are insanely out of control. Subscriptions that auto renew and Angi jumped right on as well. As someone who just had to cancel a ton of subscriptions for his dead best friend, I get that completely. Food companies base their calories on serving sizes because guess what, some of those meals are two servings but you're tricked on the caloric content. Abe thinks that charging for BBQ sauce should be illegal. After all, he spends $1,000's of dollars a year and is a very important customer! Right, moving along to more hating things. The x being too small on pop ups. Socks that fit a wide range of feet, like what kind of man has a six foot shoe? Angi said property taxes should be absolutely illegal and I agree. Mike said counting cards, which you know turned into an absolute mess. Angi can't count (in general) and so Abe attempted to try to teach her counting cards on air. Needless to say, Angi completely checked out while he ran his masterclass. Kelly said ketchup on hotdogs (Kelly clearly needs to have her head evaluated.) Chris said cops coming into parking lots and ticketing vehicles without plates or stickers. I mean, I would comment here but like that makes sense. That said, we ended on the note of Abe getting physically ill over when Angi got a boot at the airport a couple of weeks ago.
Request Wars:
Current Champion: Matthew
Challenger Song Choice: "Jekyll & Hyde"
Champion Song Choice: "The Mob Goes Wild"
Observation: Julie started strongly dissing Matthew's lack of music taste, Matthew dumped all over Five Finger Donkey Punch. Then it went nowhere, the smack talk tapered off and a bad joke landed with a thud. Yawn. Song dictates the winner here.
Winner: Matthew
10 o' Clock Toast:
Clipped. The Netflix show about trimming your bushes and hedges. That's right, now Angi has officially seen everything on Netflix.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "That's why I don't like Florida, alligators and stuff." - Abe
Quote: "You think I'd go 'frogging,' I won't even go camping." - Abe
Quote: "I'm a very important customer, I bring you thousands of dollars a year." - Abe "Karen" Kanan