This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Points:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
God, how can you not hate Tuesdays because Angi and Abe do and so should you. It comes just after Monday which is disgusting, it's the day that everything tends to go wrong and it's going to rain today. The only redeeming thing about Tuesday's is Abe tends to really up the sus on these days so we get to be drunk at least.
In a new format that I kind of like, we had an all day spanning topic today. This was a fun, interesting piece that brought some real joy to the doom and gloom that is Tuesday. It is called "The Florida Man Challenge." Here's how it works, open up Google (unless you're on an Android phone like Shark) and type in "Florida man" followed by your birthday. So for example, when Abe put in his, he got "Florida Man Who Carried Alligator Into Liquor Store Doesn't Remember Incident." I mean, that's clearly the most Florida thing I've ever heard. As for Angi, she got "Florida Man Accused of Having Sex with 'Frozen' Toy at Target." I mean, who hasn't done such a thing. Turning to the roadies, this is what version of Florida man they got. Rick has "Florida Man Carries Meth Into Sheriff's Office for Testing." Todd got "Florida Man Stabs Woman with Fork Over Under Cooked Potato." Cindy's twin is "Florida Man Who Attacked McDonald's Worker Over Straw Sentenced to Jail. Mike "Florida Man Dressed Like Fred Flinstone Pulled Over in His 'Footmobile." Scott "Florida Man Arrested for Throwing Pizza at Father After Finding Out His Dad Helped Birth Him." Kevin "Florida Man Tries to Escape Police by Jumping Head-First Through Window." Ted "Florida man Accused of Spreading Feces During School Break-in." Victor "Florida Man Jumps Off Surfboard, Lands on Shark." Mike "Florida Man Claiming to be God Arrested After Touching People, Fighting with Police, Being Tased." Going into show people who get mentioned on occasion and myself, Jay the Straight "Naked Florida Man Starts House Fire While Baking Cookies on George Foreman Grill." My roommate Vinchenzo's was pretty great "Florida Man Arrested for DUI While Lemar and Wallaby Escape from Truck During Traffic Stop." Mine sounded all too familiar "Florida Man Arrested for Allegedly Throwing Corn Cob at Mom's Head."
Next, we're jumping into a vortex, a rabbit hole that is deeper than Angi's wine bottles. For example, Angi went to check the weather and somehow she ended up looking up why it is that cats are afraid of cucumbers (mind you, she only owns dogs.) These vortex's are not unlike when Abe starts telling a story and suddenly it's branched so far off, you're stuck in the hedge maze from The Shining. For Angi, it's all about Buzzfeed, Abe loves Youtube and I tend to get stuck reading things on subreddit's I don't care about because I can't stop filling my mind with completely useless knowledge. Luckily, we are not alone in this because the average American ends up down a rabbit hole at least 5 times a week. A person will also spend an average of 8 mins on a topic. All together, people spend 35 hours a year losing themselves to the allure of uselessness. Fleshing out Angi's problem, she goes on Buzzfeed and hours later she is still looking at lists and Amazon items she does not need (but needs) and she ends up spending $300 on an avocado slicer. Abe will go on Youtube and lose himself to the endless void. For example, yesterday he watched hours of Paul Stanley music videos, concerts, etc and then somehow ended up on deep frying burgers. It should be noted he did have a shirt on so if you were planning to get hot and heavy thinking about Abe rubbing a deep fried patty on his bare chest, alas. Sometimes, he'll see an animal during the winter, like a squirrel and wonder how they survive. This in turn leads to searching about a variety of other animals and how they survive the winter. Some of the topics that are most prone to triggering the dreaded/beloved vortex include entertainment, news, science, true crime and technology. Turning to the phones, Angi heard about some roadie vortex's. Chris (and Abe) are into basketball highlights. "How to" videos were also big with the roadies. Abe went on to explain how he watches Sam the Cooking Guy every day and ends up cooking the things he suggests.
Finally, Abe is on a weight loss journey, at least that's how he makes it sound. He has dropped 9 pounds and he went from looking like a delightful furry gummy bear to Nicole Richie. If he keeps this up, we might not be able to even see him soon. It turns out this was brought on by his physical therapist who has told him to get some of those pounds away. This supermodel transformation has triggered something though that has him curious. Can your thumb lose weight, because his stubby little t-rex thumbs are looking svelte as well. Angi went on to explain that yeah, much like everything else on your body, your fingers can expand and shrink with a weight journey. Abe is not entirely pleased, not by the answer but that he liked when they were heavier. This of course took a turn for the male genitalia because of course it did. The weight discussion turned to the launch pad. The launch pad btw is that area above your dong, that mound of flesh. Angi said she has heard you can lose weight there but hasn't seen it personally. That launch pad is technically all fat so if you lose the weight, it should go with it. Then it got weird when Abe started to talk about old men and how it looks like they have a pound of balls in their dress pants (Sus.) It looks like a garbage bag full of jellies, hammers and tennis balls (let it be noted for whatever reason I said oranges in my Twitter quotes because I'm stupid.) Abe then went on to point out that it is probably a launch pad full of balls. Angi steered us out of these bizarre gay waters by looking at Abe's oddly small thumbs. She was confused as to how he uses a phone. He explained that his t-rex thumbs are the reason he's afraid of the new iPhone, it's too big for him, the poor thing.
Request Wars:
Current Champion: Debbie (1x)
Challenger Song Choice: "Home Sweet Home"
Champion Song Choice: "Fairies Wear Boots"
Observation: Another day, another lopsided fight only this time it was Debbie who steamrolled over her opponent in a flip from yesterday. Clearly an easy winner choice today imo.
Winner: Debbie
Other Topics:
Sad news this morning to start the show as Angi revealed she is ready to quit this bitch. That's right, her 5 month stint on The Angi Taylor Show was almost close to coming to an end. You see, she found her dream job and if offered, we imagine she'd take it. $120,000 a year, 30 free cases of wine and a free place to live. That's right, wine country is seeking America's Next Wine Connoisseur. Abe was concerned because he figured all those cases of wine wouldn't last a week. I would sign off on that as well because I'd imagine she would get caught and fired for a combination of breaking into the winery for more free wine and also getting caught stealing and stomping on grapes while drunk. Angi suggested that Abe would do the same for Hellmann's, the mayo spokes boy he loves and that we deserve. So basically, if either of them get an offer from these places, I'll be stepping up again to take over as co-host of the show.
You know all those people who always said that beer is going to kill you, well guess what, they were all wrong. As far as videos go, thank god for this because it shows that beer is a true lifesaver. In it, it showed a man who was saved from being hit by a ball by holding up his tallboy can of beer in front of it. While at spring training, an Angel's player's wayward ball went flying into the stands and his quick thinking destroyed his beer can but saved him. To make up for him almost dying, the Angels sent up 4 free beers (1 for him and 1 for each of his friends) as well as a Mike Trout signed bat. It was really good that it was a can too because the ball actually caught the bottom of it and caused the can to explode. This brought up a question that I feel like answers a ton more. Have you ever been hit by a baseball? Abe was once as a kid, right into that thick head of his and it left a giant knot. Angi was glad that he ended up okay but let's be realistic, I would think Abe being hit in the head explains a lot honestly.
Lastly, Tuesday morning would not be complete with the weekly check in from my favorite roadier Big Cat. Lovely as always, Big Cat started drinking at 4:15 today, which seems a little late. In fact, his wife had to wake him up and tell him to get at the downing of the booze. He definitely intended to put in the work today with his planned stopping point at 4:15 in the afternoon. This morning, he hit up his favorite hang out spot Ritchies, which he was home from by the time he called in. He unfortunately could not get his pizza order in because it was you know, breakfast time and people wanted typical breakfast meals. Instead, he had a glass of Jack Daniels for breakfast, no chaser or coke for that Jack btw because that's the proper way to do it. The good thing is though is Richies is only 3 blocks away and he can walk there and back with ease. Angi expects him to call in from Ritchies next week, she wants to hear the ruckus that goes on there in the A.M. Also, he commented on the guy with the exploding beer can, he would never spill a drop and let it go to waste so he would have chugged that destroyed can.
10 o' Clock Toast:
Javy Baez. His contract is coming up & Angi and Abe don't think the Cubs will re-sign him at the price he wants and they think he should come to the Sox.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "Somebody hit me with a line drive." - Angi
Quote: "It's like a meter stick." - Abe
Quote: "Nobody wants anything dry, you don't want dry ankles, you don't want anything dry." - Abe
Quote: "So you've (Angi) seen dudes lose launch pad weight?" - Abe
Quote: "It just looks like a garbage bag full of jellies and hammers." - Abe
Quote: "I have T-Rex thumbs." - Abe
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