This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Points:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
It's Monday, which means that a new week has started and as we've learned in a song once, no one likes Mondays. That said, it also means a full week of shows are in front of us and if we've learned anything from today (aside from selling piss is a hot commodity,) it's that there's plenty of insanity to come.
I think it only makes sense to do a round up of the weekend to start my notes right? We learned that Angi spent a whirlwind weekend in Miami* and after some light looting, decided she should probably celebrate her daughter's birthday. That's right, the lone spawn of our beloved hostess turned 16 this weekend and unlike her Miami mama, she did not have a party (this or last year as well.) Instead, she went to lunch with mom and dad, which was an exercise in eye rolling as she spent the entire duration of the meal on the phone looking at Snapchat and ignoring Angi. Abe wasn't shocked by this and pointed out that in fact, Angi's daughter is just like her mother. Apparently her phone is in her hand at all times but she alleges it is only like this while at work. Let's hope that this is the only trait that is carrying over because as we came to learn, Angi was tossed out of the house at 16. Sure, she had an a-hole for a stepdad who wanted her gone but two months after hitting that sweet age, Angi was holding down a job and an apartment. We should give credit where it's due though, she's a better person than most to have that happen and for her to strive and thrive and become who she is today. Speaking of people and what they became, Abe spent all weekend listening to Jesse and the Rippers. Wait, I'm being issued a correction on this one. What he was actually listening to was the new Paul Stanley song off the new album he was promoting the other week,Soul Station. Angi could not be bothered to care less about it off the bat but eventually came round as Abe hammered in the finer points of it. Angi spent her weekend listening to the new Justin Bieber album, which she said was pretty amazing. Abe through a typical Abe Kanan shuffle which included not knowing that Bieber was still married, hating on the new Bieber stuff in general and capped off this roundabout weekend tour by expressing how it's disheartening that pop music went from "Thriller" to Bieber. Since we're discussing music, I should add I spent the weekend listening to the new Lana Del Rey album on a 4x repeat while I cleaned the house because it made me feel domesticated and happy that Spring has finally arrived.
*Sources can not confirm or deny that this occurred so create your own narrative.
Hey, I'm about to let you in on a little secret. Did you know that The Angi Taylor Show is the number 1 show of police departments and police officers. I know that this is going to be one of those things where you're like, I know this is going somewhere dumb so just get to it already. Boy, you're in for a treat because we're going to talk about pee stuff. That's right, your boy Abe Kanan has some pristine urine and he may be willing to give it to you. Do you want it to clear up your athlete's foot, bathe in it, pour it on an elected official on a bed in a Russian hotel? Well guess what, Abe doesn't care nor does he want to know what you're going to do with it. So, he had a question for officers who might be listening. He wanted to know if it would be illegal to give someone a bottle of his urine, for whatever purposes. They might want to drink it, who knows. So he wants to know if it would be okay to sell his Clean Urine on the open market? This question of legality prompted Angi to ask a question. What is something that you do that is kind of illegal. They were not looking for serial killer confessions but light stuff like ripping tags off mattresses, driving on an expired license, throwing out the mail of previous tenants. If you're Angi, she loves to jaywalk and share prescription meds. Going to the phones, the roadies offered up a few choices. Mark likes to go to the movies and sneak into 2 or 3 movies on one ticket (scandalous.) Dave likes to race cars at night and has been on the show Street Outlaws (outrageous.) Scott also enjoys a good drag (shantay you stay.) Mike smokes pot in Texas, where it's illegal to do so (alright, alright, alright.) Luckily, Pablo the Cop called in to help Abe solve this ethical dilemma. Abe was saying that he wanted to sell his urine for athlete's foot or jellyfish stings and was curious if it could be traced back or connected to Abe. Pablo says it really depends on what is done with the urine. See, all Abe cares about is making extra money. This turned into him using an example of a fictitious knife he buys, used either to rob someone or chop wood (he literally said chop wood with a knife, yes.) Angi explained if you're a bartender and you overserve, you can cause vehicular homicide. Pablo reiterated again that it depends on what you do and honestly, he probably just shouldn't do it. Onto the next scheme I guess.
Finally, Angi gave a list of shows that you should binge watch depending on your astrological sign. Clearly, this is stupid and Abe agreed but for the sake of filling up these notes with nonsense, let's dig into the list, shall we:
Aries:Vanderpump Rules(Hulu)
Taurus:New Girl(Netflix)
Gemini:Search Party(HBO Max) - that's a no from me dawg
Cancer:Bridgerton(Netflix)
Leo:Shrill(Hulu) - pretty much guarantee Abe won't watch this
Virgo:Get Organized with the Home Edit(Netflix)
Libra:The Big Flower Fight(Netflix) - Angi would never
Scorpio:Never Have I Ever(Netflix)
Sagittarius:Insecure(HBO Max)
Capricorn:The Queen's Gambit(Netflix)
Aquarius:I May Destroy You(HBO Max)
Pisces:Euphoria(HBO Max)
Request Wars:
Current Champion: Eric (4x)
Challenger Song Choice: "Forty Six & 2"
Champion Song Choice: "Loving You Sunday Morning"
Observation: Eric really came out swinging and Debbie took it, all of it. I mean, this seems like absolutely no contest here because this was so one sided.
Winner: Debbie
Other Topics:
Do you have a tattoo, do you regret that tattoo? There was an idiot who got a tattoo on the back of his neck that is of a QR code. When someone would go and scan the code, it would take them to his Instagram page. In delusional land, this is a hipsters dream and they would all do it. Reality of course is never as good because doing something like this is not going to work. You know why? Because now when it's being scanned, it's not taking you nowhere since tattoos always bleed, so to speak. The talk turned to characters that are everywhere, aka Looney Tunes type stuff. Like those baggy jeans with the Tazmanian Devil and Bugs Bunny on them, that junk. This can up because of Angi and her Tweety Bird tattoo that she once had. The reason I say once is because she made sure that it was removed before her wedding. It was on her back and it would look stupid (see trashy) for it to show with the dress she wore. Abe discussed people who had their tattoos removed and yet they could still be faintly seen. This is not the case for Angi and this girl now lives shame free.
In what is always a delightful surprise, we got some Drunk Ninja News! today. A woman in Florida (who let's face it, after this Spring Break fiasco, I expect to see plenty more of soon) not named Angi Taylor, couldn't drive straight in a drive through line. She was at a McDonald's and she was weaving in and out of the drive through. Her name was Brandy and when the police arrived, they found her eating in the parking lot. Her eyes were glassy and you can tell she was boozed clues to the moon. When they took her to jail, this looney tune was screaming and had to be restrained. While giving her a search, they found 8 (7 unfinished) airplane bottles of booze hidden under her boobs. Abe, confused I'm assuming as to how prison works since he's such a square, had to have Angi explain a jail pat down to him. While she spent her time feeling herself up on air, we all know that the reality was she was actually looking for her hidden vodka bottles.
Lastly, here's some things you all should be taking note of. Angi walked us through some unwritten rules of social etiquette. There was no particular reason for this but it's always good to learn nonetheless. She also tested Abe on these as well as she went through, which he passed with flying colors. So, let's start shall we. Always say "please" and "thank you." When you are taking a call, do it outside and away from other people. Abe asked if it was okay to talk on the phone when others were doing the same thing. Absolutely not Angi retorted. Also no talking on your phone at the gym. Always use your turn signal. When you cough and sneeze, make sure you do it into your elbow or more importantly, your mask. Thank you notes, handwritten pieces of wonderfulness. Angi loves to do them and Abe would too if his writing didn't look like chicken scratch (I'm in the same boat, don't feel too bad.) Finally, let people off the train and elevator before you as well.
10 o' Clock Toast:
Loyola. For moving on to the Sweet 16.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "If you're at spring break all you're gonna care about is getting drunk and laid. Are we really going to look down on that?" - Abe
Quote: "Stefan Urquelle was smooth, he could have got it." - Angi
Quote: "I have pristine urine." - Abe
Quote: "I'm not joking, everyone asks me for my urine all the time." - Abe
Quote:
'What kind of school is Oral Roberts?" - Angi
"Isn't it like a dental school or something?" - Abe
"Better than Anal Roberts...." - Angi