Call in Points:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
How I made it through my call in today, I will never know. As someone who tends to be mad all the time for trivial things, today was doozy. Thankfully we have Festivus to relieve our grievances.
That's right Festivus, the Seinfeld created holiday upon which people have rightfully staked a claim toward ever since it's initial airing. Do you have something you want to say, that you really need to get out. You've come to the right place because there was a lot that needed to be pulled from our withered souls this morning. Abe is doing a Secret Santa, that horrible tradition that allows people to pool together money and ignore others without hurt feelings. You get your one gift and you be happy about it. Only Abe's has spiraled into a scavenger hunt of greed and time consumption. It began with the limit, which was set at $100. That alone would be okay but then followed by a list, an encompassing scavenger hunt meant to send Abe to several places and spending budgeted to each specific item. In the end, there would be about $6 left over which he was instructed to put on a gift card. Here's a thought, how about no lists, you take what you get and that's it! Angi, on the other hand, had a double grievance to air and she was not having any of it. It started with her neighbor, who for whatever reason likes to hang his clothes and winter coats from the tree in his yard. Angi lives in quite a pristine little place, manicured and pushed to be proper. This mess next door makes her place look like a dump. On top of that, her sister that she loaned money to was recently showing off that she bought her daughter a car but can't be bothered to pay Angi back. Assbeating all around imo from Angi, no one should be spared. Lister Julian called in and then hung up to complain about his landlord raising the rent. I called in to complain about my straight roommate/best friend being offered money by another gay guy to perform oral services on him. Do you have a grievance that needs to be aired, feel free to hit up Angi and Abe on social media and let them hear about it, let it all out!
Another topic that just spiraled out of control was a discussion on body swapping. Well, it initially began with you can be someone else for a day, who would it be? What it turned into was Abe deciding that he would become JLo so he could hook up with himself. Yeah, take a minute to let that all come together in your head. Abe wants to body swap with JLo so he can be JLo and hook up with himself. Then afterward, he would go on Twitter and say that he banged JLo, who was also him at the time. Yeah, I know, this is a confusing mess. How this insanity spawned was because people had been asked who they would want to be for a day, the top 5 were JLo (ironically,) Taylor Swift, Megan Markle (who would only worth be being if you didn't like nazi's,) Lebron and Kim Kardashian. The funny thing is Abe had a scheme for Kim K too. He would become her and then take a ton of money out of her account and transfer it to Angi's bank account. Another thought up idea, become Machine Gun Kelly so you could bang Megan Fox. So, dear listeners, who would you want to be and what would you do. Hit up Angi and Abe and let them know on Twitter.
Lastly, Abe decided after a weekend of literal debauchery in the name of shoveling fast food down his gullet, it was time for a change. He needed to clean out his system, a cleansing of his stomach and soul. This brought forth the idea of a juice cleanse, that seemed like something easy he could do, right? One day into the cleanse, Abe had already fallen off the wagon. You see, if you recall, Abe is moving and that is never fun and or not terrible. Well, it all came to a head last night when his brother got into a fight with his real estate broker and Abe, broken in all sorts of ways, literally broke down. Stress eating commenced and he shoveled a Chick Fil A sandwich down his windpipe. Then today, he forgot his juice so he couldn't have that in the morning. Followed up by that was his want to go to Popeyes after the show because now they're selling chocolate beignets. Angi summed all of this up perfectly, starting a juice cleanse before the holidays is just stupid and she made fun of him for that reason.
Other Topics:
In today's Drunk Ninja news, you get not one but two stupid morons. So, since this takes place in Florida, you know that this is just going to be utter stupidity. The pair were arrested on 14 charges after all was said and done. The bumbling dopes went on a burglary spree, They broke into a bunch of convenience stores where they stole cigarettes and lottery tickets. The problems came for them when they decided to smoke in the store, one of them left their shoe behind but the biggest issue was leaving behind a wallet with license inside. After the cops found the evidence, they paid them a visit at home and tossed them in jail.
In a blast from the past, Abe went on to tell us how he was an awful wrestler. Lucky for him, the team he was on was so bad, he was made into a starter. Though it seems he wasn't as bad as others as he ended up winning 7 matches in his senior year. Abe's last match was him beating a big fat dork and was so impressed with himself, he stole the tape of it. Abe ended up pinning this kid and he was screaming. Angi had a different experience because at her school, all the kids at her school were bulimic. Abe did mention that all the lighter kids were all taking water pills and losing their teeth because they weren't eating as well. Also, none of the kids showered aside from Abe which was absolutely disgusting as they had been rolling around on those dirty mats. This in turn caused Angi to file a grievance toward Abe's dead coach. Thank you once again Festivus.
Finally, Angi put out a PSA for the listeners. Set to the tone of Sarah McLachlan's "Angel," she pleaded that if you are a parent, even if you have your child, please don't donate them to the local Goodwill. This sad story came about yesterday when a 2 year old was dumped off at a Goodwill with clothes and a note. Someone was arrested but seriously, please don't toss your kid aside for the sake, especially near a holiday like this.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "If I banged me as Jlo and I banged me, am I gay now?" - Abe
Quote: "Your juice cleanse is one of the biggest jokes of 2020." - Angi
Quote: "Don't they give kids in Florida bath salts with their lunch?" - Abe
Quote: "Why is Smokey Robinson, who probably has millions of dollars, on Cameo?" - Abe