Call in Points:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
It's a special day, not only is it Chainsaw Friday but it's also my best friend and roommate Vinchenzo's bday. He requested Angi flash him for his birthday and she countered with a motorboat. Broken English on Lake St. is going to surely be super lit today.
So, it's Friday, which means that the Best Bet of the Week has returned ... again ... for, what are we on now, the fourth or so incarnation for the season. That's right, Abe is back to making off the wall picks, second guessing them and then adjusting slightly 10 seconds after giving them. The thing about that is though, the Best Bet of the Week is not supposed to feel good you see so that despair in your stomach at losing all your money is supposed to feel that way. Instead of throwing away money at Abe's bets, Angi feels like they should go to the casino, where she would go bankrupt. So, you need to take all your Hanukkah gifts, the money you had set aside to rent that tuxedo for new years eve, pull out the money you set aside for that gym membership at the start of next year to get rid of the covid 15 you gained and call your bookie because the Best Bet of the Week this week is take the Buffalo Bills - 2 vs the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Turning to "wait really" news, people were polled as to what it would take for them to give up sex for a year. The most popular answer was clear skin. This, of course, shocked and shook Angi but it led to a question from her. What would listeners want in exchange to give up sex for an entire year? Abe said he was willing to do it for a million dollars. Actually, scratch that because about twelve seconds later he lowered it to $500,000. Abe then went on to explain that he would also give up Bon Jovi (which if you think about it, is more of a perk than a punishment.) Turning to the listeners, Amber would give it up for her daughter to not be a bitch. Jim would give it up for a nice car that he would use to pick up hot chicks. Mike was in the same boat as Abe and would give it up for a minimum of a million dollars. Me, well I'd give it up for a pandemic apparently....
Finally, Bill Belichick, scumbag coach of the Patriots is offering up some of his game worn shoes. This led to a pair of questions that of course have no answer. Why were the shoes that he was wearing and auctioning off cleats? Furthermore, why is he always wearing those clothes with the sleeves cut off. No faster than one could attempt to formulate an excuse, Abe was already moved on to something else entirely. In a cut across I like to refer to as From the Files of Abe Kanan's Head comes an old business idea that brought some genuinely interesting comments.Change Abe's Life, a reality show dreamt up in some fever dream of maybe mayo and shame while sitting on a toilet, is one of my personal favorites. The premise of the show is simple really, someone gives Abe a million dollars and we get to see what he does with it. Angi assumed that the money would be spent on coke, strippers, a yacht where he'd be hanging with P Diddy. That's thinking too small, you see Abe would obviously just take the money and run to Vegas. We did though scratch an interesting surface in getting Abe to agree he would try every drug imaginable. With this business idea out into the world, Angi proposed she would throw in $5. I feel like we too should try to get in on this. Maybe we could pool together all the money that has been won during the Best Bet of the Week...wait, nevermind. Guess I'm firing off a letter to Elon Musk.
Other Topics:
Today Abe decided to switch hats with Angry Bob and become the show's token A-hole. He was just having the worst morning and rolled into work like The Grinch. He was caught by a train, he broke his headphones again and he was so over watching people with their stupid fake backgrounds on Zoom calls. Angi tried all she could but nothing was cheering Abe up. Angi decided to turn it over to the listeners and see if they could cheer Abe up. Angry Bob called in, probably wondering where his crown made of dog droppings had disappeared to and told Abe that at least he isn't Conrad Cooper. Troy said Abe should be thrilled he gets to wake up every day, go into the show and listen to Angi. Angi assumed a video of a farting teacher on Zoom would help but eh. All it would end up taking though was the power of Iron Maiden, which when played finally seemed to kill off Abe's unhappiness funk.
WWE wrestler Daniel Bryan had to convince his I'm assuming at some point brother in law Artem Chigvintsev that having pregnancy sex with hot piece Nikki Bella was fine. Angi put the question out about pregnancy sex and wanted to hear what the listeners thoughts on it were. Rufio, former partner in radio to Angi, walked in from down the hall and made a point that he had no issues with pregnancy sex because he wife is so sexy. Head Roadie of Detroit Jim wasn't bothered by it at all and he was thrilled because his wife couldn't get pregnant again during it. He even went as far as to call it the best sex he's ever had. Listener Nestor coomented that it was a great way to practice safe sex and could open up the backdoor as a possibility. Listener Mark said that pregnancy sex was mandatory and got a bit too technical for Abe, who almost threw up during the call. Listener Jake was also a fan, if only because he couldn't get his wife pregnant as well. Finally, listener Tony checked in to say that he would take care of Nikki if Artem wouldn't.
Next up, Angi pilfered an idea for a bit that was started with a viral Twitter post. Tell Angi and Abe what neighborhood or suburb you are from without telling them what neighborhood or suburb it was. For example, Abe went with giant indian to help the guessing game start. Marie's clue was also kind of easy: a suburb with an outdoor venue that has been renamed fifteen times. (For the record, I can't even tell you what the venue is called anymore.) Joe gave his clue that was a bit too vague: the town right around the corner from the school Ralphie went to in A Christmas Story. On the other hand, Danny went too easy with his description of a northwest suburb being: nicknamed Rolling Ghettos.
Lastly, Angi had another curiosity. Have you come up with a new hobby during the pandemic? Abe went on to mention his deep fryer one more, the hundred dollar vat of oil and clogged arteries that he is absolutely head over heels for. In his mind, everyone should buy one without question. It was then strongly emphasised that it was only a hundred bucks on Amazon and everyone should run out and get one now. There was a discussion of brown foods and oil but all this talk about deep frying is making my heart race and I think I need to lie down. I'll leave it at this though, did anyone else develop any new hobbies during the pandemic/quarantine? If so, hit up Angi and Abe on Twitter and tell them all about it.
New Head Roadie: Congrats to Trucker Jeff, Head Roadie of La Porte, Indiana.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "Enough with the bookcases, don't do your Zoom call in front of bookcases!" - Abe
Quote: "Was Bret Michaels there (Joe's on Weed St.) too? He's there like every weekend."
Tidbit: Angi wants a Soup Nazi Cameo for Christmas.
Quote: "If you give me a million dollars, I will try any drug." - Abe
Quote: "I feel like ladies hate eli manning cause his face or whatever." - Abe
Quote: "That's what everyone is looking for these days, how can I recycle oil and deep fry more brown food?" - Angi