Call in Points:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
One more day until the weekend, that's how I look at today. It doesn't help that I'm tired so I can commiserate with those fellow listeners who are out there working hard while I lay here drinking Jack and writing notes.
If you ever wonder what it's like to be Abe, look no further than this story. You see, for the last week or two, we've been hearing about the deep fryer Abe bought. It's not one of those wimpy air fryers, which he also has. No, this is a bonafide dirty deep fry, the oil of the gods cooking his food to a delicious golden brown. This morning, Abe showed Angi pics of quite brown coconut shrimp and fries that he made. Instead of discouraging, Abe was encouraged and listed his next goal, chicken fried steak. Chicken also ended up on the list as well. Since this is a one way ticket to death, the discussion vered to mortality and Abe had an interesting perspective on it. If deep frying everything was going to cause him to die 10 years earlier, it is not worth it. However, if deep frying everything was only going to take a year off his life, bombs away. Then Abe pondered exactly what would kill him from the deep frying, somehow not pinpointing that it was going to be all that artery clogging oil. Eventually, Angi relented and gave up, telling Abe to just start deep frying Twinkies. As I sit here just waiting for my call to become the new show co-host, I have to admit that this whole segment made pain shoot up into my left arm just hearing it. I'll assume it's nothing though so I'm going to keep drinking my Jack and eating mozzarella sticks at 9 A.M.
Fresh off the death train, we were scooped up and immediately taken to my favorite shown destination Delusional Land. You see, yesterday Angi started discussing Abe's hands and how they were both great and lacking at the same time in an incredible complimentary shading. Anyway, this returned and became an attraction in this dreamed up funhouse carnival I've concotted because as expected, the hand compliment went to Abe's head. Abe Costanza, as we'll now dub him, had decided that he wants to become a hand model now (because of course he does.) Angi only encouraged this further by continuing to compliment his hands and went as far as to post pictures of them. (If you want to see these pictures of Abe's hand, check out Angi's social media pages.) Anyway, the point of all this is Abe is looking for a way in, someone who can get his hand in the door, so to speak. Are you associated with hand modeling or know someone who can start booking him for gigs. Hit him or Angi up on social media or call into the show and let's get him started on this delightfully delusioned new life goal.
Lastly,Entertainment Weekly, a magazine which makes little sense with the lack of releases all around this year due to covid, released their Best and Worst Shows of 2020 list. It should be noted that they take several critics' choices so this is more of a hodgepodge of shows. Below are the Top 10 and Worst 5 shows of the year.
Best:
10.Better Things
9.I May Destroy You
8.I Hate Suzie
7.The Plot Against America
6.The Crown
5.PEN15
4.The Vow
3.The Midnight Gospel
2.Ted Lasso
1.Better Call Saul
Worst:
5. Anything on Quibi
4.Space Force
3.Westworld
2.Double Shot of Love
1.Emily in Paris
Curious as to what Abe likes, his favorite shows included:Queen's Gambit,Jersey Shore: Family Vacation,The ChallengeandMy Lottery Dream Home. Of course, I have to throw in my two cents and my top 3 would beWhat We Do in the Shadows,LuciferandAmerican Dad.
Other Topics:
As you know, the roadies are the lifeblood of the show and without them, we would be nowhere. I figured it would only be appropriate to take a moment for them in here because this morning, Angi wanted to hear from some and what they do for work. Callers included Donovan who works for Hostess (dude, where's the hookup!) Jason who is a truck delivery driver who drives 3 hours to get to work everyday. Brandon who works as a pipe fitter. Ed the trash man. Bill, who is a weapon and tactics instructor. DJ, who loads trains (probably with dead bodies.) My personal favorite though was Bill 2.0, who is a garbage man and told a horror story about a rat jumping out of a trash can and onto his shoulder. Head Roadie Gear Jammin Jeffery also checked in. To all you roadies, both spoken and unspoken, we salute you.
In today's Drunk Ninja news, a 22 year old Florida (of course it was) idiot had to be placed in shackles for being too drunk. He had an $820 bill at a nightclub which he was refusing to pay. Afterward, he started fighting with the guard as he yelled about none of them graduating high school and proceeded to call everyone that word that refers to a cat that starts with the letter p. Anyway, While being restrained, he told the cop to "get dem off" and then went right into bizarre territory when he asked them to pinch his nipples. Abe made a point (again of course) about how a lot of creeps like to have stuff done to their feet and nipples. Angi went on to talk about how she dated a guy who asked her to pinch his nipples the first time they had sex. Yeah, people are just strange.
Angi pondered a question to Abe, would he get plastic surgery. Being a man who has no vanity in his body, he said he wouldn't because he just doesn't care. Angi didn't really believe that because she said Abe has an ego. Speaking of things that are big on Abe, Angi wondered if surgery might be an option if he would be allowed to add an extra 3 inches. Of course not because you know, Abeaconda and all plus he would be known for that. Angi that went on about her own boob job. Why, is what you're probably wondering, did all this come about. Well, Angi wondered if plastic surgery for pets is a thing. You see her beautiful pit bull is getting a little on in the years and as we all know, things begin to sag. In this case, her dog's labia is basically dragging on the floor and it's all a bit much. Abe's suggestion was to put her in a bikini or even better, underwear. Angi was overcome with thrill by the idea and loved it. So, if you happen to see a pitbull walking around the city in underwear, you can assume her wine drunk owner isn't far behind.
Finally, the Worst Bet of the Week returns tomorrow. Wait, scratch that, the title might actually go back to being the Best Bet of the Week as it has been retooled and turned into something new after all that stunning loss. Instead of getting Abe's terrible picks, we're going to try an experiment. Abe is getting a loser degenerate gambler known as Joe the ATM Machine, to give his Best Bet of the Week. Since he's a perpetual loser, Abe's idea is to bet against him and we should finally be back in the money. Tune in tomorrow to find out what the pick you will be throwing your money into this time during tomorrow's sports.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "He had stacks and stacks of Asian porn on DVD" - Angi
Quote: "I didn't bang my brother, let's make that clear, that would be gross." - Angi
Quote: "I need to learn how to dismantle a weapon from someone's hand." - Abe
Quote: "Am I going to die from eating all this deep fried food?" - Abe
Quote: "If you know how I can get into the hand modeling business, call in!" - Abe
Tidbit: Next year's Head Roadie calendar is canceled unfortunately because of John, the Head Roadie of Stalkers. Le sigh, this is why we can't have nice things!