This is just a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting, funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast of today's show. However, if you're looking for a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Opening Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
Chainsaw Friyay, a Marris vacation, a birthday, an Angi breakdown, and a new Linkin Park song, this was a hell of a Friday for us to unpack. Since Angi is on the cusp of full on losing it without our Mare Bear for two weeks, Marris decided to take Angi out on a "date" to the DraftKings Sportsbook in Wrigleyville. The place is not only outstanding in structure but it is made for watching games (I wouldn't know, I don't leave the house.) The screens according to Angi are "100 feet tall," they are perfect for college football according to Marris but most importantly, on Sunday you have all the games running for all your SPORTS! needs. One of the funniest things that came from yesterday's date night though was the moment Taylor Swift was shown on screen, the entire place erupted in boos. Angi was clearly energized by the unified disgust but probably more so by all the gambling occurring. That's right, we're talking betting (and being at a place called the Sportsbook makes sense for that) and everything from normal bets to parlays to props were on the table. For example, the Bears/Titans game is Sunday at Noon and a bet Marris got in on is who the first person to score a touchdown will be. Odds are with D'Andre Swift at +700 but then Marris ended up getting a little confused. See, last night he learned of "the octopus" which he assumed was just a prop bet getting weird about people bringing an octopus to the game. Now mind you, my knowledge of sports is limited to hot dudes and balls so I had no idea as well. It also didn't help with the knowledge that the Red Wings fans sneak in and throw octopuses on the ice. The same happens with Kraken fans who throw real fish on the ice. As Angi dreamt of grilling up the octopus, Marris explained that this is the name for a player scoring a touchdown and then the two point conversion. Another bet that may or may not have been placed was how many touchdowns will occur during the game with Marris saying 4. We capped this foray into the world of sports (and probably ad placement) by Mike saying he wants to go to a Bears game but the nosebleeds are $200 and that is not worth it on an iHeart salary (a couple of bucks and a "free" lunch once a month or anytime anyone is fired.)
Call in Main Point:
Well, as if there wasn't enough of a reason to celebrate today as it is Chainsaw Friday after all, we have a birthday to break out the good booze for. That's right, aged 51 years and still tastes like a man in his 20's (I'm assuming, you try writing a comedic birthday opening,) today we celebrated Jay the Straight. After a sing along of happy birthday to a man who was forced to wake up at 7 A.M., we explored a bit about Jay the Straight (and by explored I mean we made fun of Angi and celebrated our man of the hour.) First out the gate, there is going to be some sex occurring this afternoon and both Angi and Jay the Straight are looking forward to that. He wants to know what it's like to have sex at 51 and she wants to know what it is like to have sex with someone at least 60 years younger than her. As for Jay the Straight (which I'm full title specifying in this instance because we share the same name,) he does feel a little older, a bit wiser, has a few more grays in his beard but most importantly, he has definitely become a little bit smarter than his wife. For the record, anyone expecting this to not turn into a roast of Angi has clearly never listened to this show before. Before we moved on to a small Angi tribute (I use that term loosely btw,) we did learn that he is becoming more of a wise old sage though for some reason he is still married to her. Angi, for her part in all this, loves him and celebrates every birthday with him and will continue to do so until he eventually cheats on her and she kills him. Until that time though, he is the greatest husband because nobody on Earth puts up with her like he does (notice how Marris needed a two week vacation after just working with her for a year. Hell, I've done it for four and I drink almost every day.) To celebrate after the birthday sex though, Angi will be drinking brown liquor which means fists will be flying in the Taylor household tonight. Even worse, she made sure to come to work with the hoops off since she is mad about Marris going on vacation and that means no one is safe today. That said, if you are an avid listener of the police scanners, when you hear a domestic dispute with a woman wielding a chainsaw come through, now you know why. To close out this uh sweet birthday tribute, we explored Jay the Straight's patience which is near infinite. The assumption is that he is using his secret bank stash to buy heroin to calm himself because how else is he putting up with that crazy wife of his?
Other Stuff From Today's Show
We couldn't do a Friday show without a little tragedy right and so here we are with yet another Angi ailment to kick off the weekend. Now, since we're all basically married to this walking corpse who is coming undone with every passing day, we have to deal with all her issues. Sure, she looks great but the woman is old and the problems are slowly piling on. Today's issue is real (apparently) and has to do with Angi's hair but to the tangle of grays on the top or the gray gardens on the bottom. No, all that is dyed so the above matches the below but this has to do with her eyebrows. Mind you, she also pointed out how eyebrows look like sperm so I don't know how much faith you should place in this clearly unhinged woman. Anyway, the sperm analogy came about because the "tails" of her eyebrows are gone and she is apparently losing her (eyebrow) hair. When offered she should try HIMS (hey, we just plugged them hard, maybe sponsor us,) Angi explained that she does not need more hair on her Serbian body. Before going back to her lament, we did give HIMS another shout as they are apparently great for mental health as well since her uncle was on it. Anyway, with Marris leaving for two weeks, Angi is freaking out because she is losing one of her jerk off arms (I'm not kidding btw, this is how she sees it.) Mike, trying to be helpful, offered maybe getting an eyebrow hair transplant but Angi doesn't know where the hair for that come from and doesn't trust a stranger's hair. She could take her own but as we said, she is as gray as the day is long up there so unless she wants to buy double the dye, it seems the brows are no longer meant for this cruel world.
Thanks to me (horn toot,) Angi discovered something that initially disgusted her but she grew to accept and maybe want after some consideration. Before we get to that though, we started with a discussion on cereal and Complex's ratings on the best of all time. We were only interested in number 1 (for the sake of a segway) so we asked the favorites of Mike and Marris (Angi was too busy drooling over Oops! All Berries!) Mike is a Fruity Pebbles guy and Marris loves his OG Captain Crunch. Mind you, the only person that doesn't love Captain Crunch is the roof of your mouth as the delicious cereal will shred it like you've been eating glass. Back to Complex though, their number 1 was Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The reason all this came up though is because I introduced Angi to the upcoming Hormel Black Label Cinnadust Rubbed Bacon. Combining everyone's favorite breakfast food of bacon and cereal dust, Angi was disgusted at first. Then she started thinking about bacon candy, maple bacon doughnuts and everything else bacon can get into and sweetened with and she came around. Marris and Mike were in on it as well and if you too want to try this black tar heroin treat, you can get it starting on Monday at Walmart and then eventually at Kroger based stores (Mariano's here.)
Finally, losing a lead singer to a band is always going to be devastating but the universe will sometimes allow for a fix to make it feel right. When Scott Weiland died of a drug overdose, Jeff Gutt took over Stone Temple Pilots. As we saw this morning Emily Armstrong will now be fronting Linkin Park after Chester Bennigton's tragic suicide. AC/DC's Bon Scott choked to death on his own vomit and was quickly replaced by Brian Johnson. Queen did nothing for a good while after Freddie Mercury succumbed to AIDS but changed that with bringing on Adam Lambert. The Doors were done when Jim Morrison died in a bathtub but then became The Doors 2002 when Ian Astbury took over the frontman slot. Obviously this was all brought up due to the curiosity of seeing where Linkin Park goes from her with their new frontwoman. Angi has come around to the song and Marris has listened to it 30 times already since yesterday and with a new album looming, it will be interesting to see how the band fares. Obviously, there were jitters yesterday and kinks to work out but we remain cautiously optimistic that this will make for a great match and even better music.
Don't Kill Angi Weekly Recap
Mon: Angi Celebrated Labor Day
Choice: N/A
Result: Angi spent the day relaxing after hosting a BBQ and hitting up an art fest. It was a well deserved day of rest as she would soon be doing a two man show soon enough when Marris went off on his long deserved vacation to Tanzania. (N/A)
Tue: Angi wanted to give Orange Cassidy a tour of Chicago
Choice: Scott had Angi decide to take Orange Cassidy to the Playpen.
Result: Being the patron saint of helping people, Angi decided she wanted to show AEW wrestler Orange Cassidy all around Chicago. There were plenty of options on a day when it was a bit breezier outside but Angi opted to take him over to The Playpen. Normally the place would be filled to the brim with boats but on that day, there were only a handful. Still, she was determined to show Orange a good time and so the pair went out on the water. Watching him the whole time, Angi had expected Orange to be having an incredible time but instead, he was just kind of whatever about the whole situation. Annoyed, Angi leaned overboard to grab some water to splash Orange to invoke any kind of emotion when she heard a familiar sound. It was Bruce, the Freshwater Shark back for revenge after their previous encounter. As he jumped up and onto the boat to grab Angi, Orange sprung to life and walked over, giving the shark a leg tap to the gills. Confused, the shark went to bite when Orange then picked him up and gave him a pile driver. Hurt and afraid, Bruce the Freshwater Shark hopped back into the water and swam away. (Alive)
Wed: Angi needed to break up a fight at work
Choice: Gary had Angi decide to snatch up Maria from the fight.
Result: Though one would reasonably assume that the only fighting that tended to occur at Rock 95.5 studios happened on The Angi Taylor Show, it seemed a new brawl had finally occurred. Annoyed with his incessant rambling and hot takes, Maria decided to give afternoon guy Klinger a piece of her mind and fist. Hearing yelling, Angi scrambled into the hall like a thirsty bloodhound to see the pair swinging at one another and she saw an opportunity. Instead of getting in on the fight, Angi pulled out her iPhone and started to film it. Yelling "Worldstar!" over and over as the fist kept flying, Angi felt bad but couldn't help but love the drama. However, just as it looked like Klinger was about to land a finishing blow, Angi heard a noise down the hall. Running full speed like a bullet train, Marris came flying past Angi and into the melee scuffle. It seemed he had learned from Orange Cassidy and with arms outstretched, Marris clotheslined both of the rock DJ's. Without a word, both took a face full of arm and hit the floor, rendering them unconscious. Though the fight was over, Angi still had the footage and it ended up going as viral as she had hoped. (Alive)
Thur: Angi wanted to make a prop bet
Choice: Luke had Angi decide to bet that Jason Kelce would be caught drinking a beer.
Result: Knowing that he was finally going to get a long deserved vacation, Marris decided to take Angi out on a date to keep her from going nuts while he was gone. Once they arrived at the DraftKings Sportsbook though, Angi was salivating at the idea of placing a bet. With that done though, she was finally able to sit and watch the game like a normal sports fan. However, as the game kicked off, Jay the Straight sauntered in because he too was a degenerate gambler like his wife. Unlike her though, he had a seperate account for his gambling wins and losses and so he walked over and placed his own bet. Ironically, it turned out they had both made the same prop bet but by the end of the game, neither had scored. Luckily, Angi had only ended up losing $20 but it turned out Jay the Straight lost $10,000. Enraged at the news, Angi went after Jay the Straight and tried to fight him but Marris grabbed her before she could cause damage. Instead of creating chaos and dealing with the fallout, Angi chose to go with Marris to Tanzania to clear her head. (Alive)
Fri: Angi wanted to volunteer at the Bears game
Choice: Jen had Angi decide to serve Malört shots to the Titans to impair them.
Result: After securing tickets through her connections, Angi decided to make the Bears game even more fun by messing with the Titans. Sneaking into the locker room, Angi convinced the Titans to take a Malört shot as a good luck charm and her trickery worked. After downing the sour gasoline flavored liquor, the team found themselves playing awful. Fumbles, sacks, missed field goals, the Titans were an absolute mess. The Bears, in turn, were really crushing it and making themselves look like the best team in the league. To celebrate her evil doings, Staley Da Bear came out and threw Angi on his shoulders so they could take a victory lap around Soldiers Field. However, as they ran around, a loud Viking horn started to sound out. Ragnar, the Vikings unofficial mascot, appeared and yelled at Staley that Angi belonged to the Vikings. Enraged, Staley dropped Angi and went after Ragnar. As the pair exchanged blows, Angi tried to sneak away but unfortunately Rangar's axe was swung and Staley ducked, sending the blade straight into Angi's neck. (Dead)
Request Wars 4.0
Theme: Celebrating Linkin Park
Current Champion: Mike (3x)
Marris' Song Choice: "Papercut" by Linkin Park
Mike's Song Choice: "Numb/Encore" by Linkin Park & Jay-Z
Winner: Marris
10 O' Clock Toast:
Toastee: Marris
He is on his way out of the country and apparently the hemisphere according to Angi to spend two weeks soaking in 75-80 temps, sand, sun, drinks and hoes. Angi expects him to text her every other day but since he has never had a day off since he started (same,) we want him to enjoy each day of his vacation and also to make sure he doesn't use the pull out method.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
"I can't wait to come home and have sex with a 51 year old because I've never done that before." - Angi
"I'm Serbian, I already have chest hair, I don't need to grow a beard." - Angi
"You know you're not a hundred millionaire when you bring a Groupon for Skank Bag Taylor Blumpkin on the Red Line." - Minn Barb