This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Points:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
Since Spring has finally sprung, that means that glory hole season at Jay the Gay's place is open once again. Problem is that the first client this morning was Tuna Can Jerry and now he's stuck. So while I deal with that mess, feel free to read over these notes.
We kicked off this morning with a hole story, a glory hole story that is. Well actually it started with Angi asking Abe if he's ever gotten hurt during sex, which he hand't. The return question to her was better, especially when Abe asked if she had ever blown out her ACL. The reason for such naughty fun so early, it was amatuer hour at a glory hole and as a professional, I knew it would go wrong right off the bat. These two idiots removed the door knob from the door, downed a Viagra and put his member in the door. The problem was once engorged, the unit was stuck in that hole and it would not come free. They had to call the paramedics, who had to saw part of the door off, probably throw a blanket over his junk and take him to the hospital. Luckily, he was able to get free once there. Abe wondered why the guy simply just didn't look at a picture of Guy Fieri to lessen the swelling. Angi said perhaps there should have been some Astroglide involved. Because our childhoods aren't ruined enough, Abe said this reminded him of when Winnie the Pooh got stuck in that honey tree (which makes sense since it involved a tight hole and getting sticky.) Angi said she would have done anything to keep from making that kind of call to the paramedics but even if she did, as we learned last week, they see people with things like 2 liters of RC Cola in their butt so it's nothing new.
One down, one to go! That's right, Abe got vaccinated yesterday and he's spent the entire morning wearing his shirt half draped to show off his bandaid to anyone who walks by. For those curious, the jab was from Pfizer so Abe considers himself fancy as well. He said that he didn't even feel the shot when he got it and he couldn't believe they had put it in. Honestly, are any of us shocked that Abe let them get it in so easy, I think not. It was given to him at a grade school in Oak Lawn and in 3 weeks, he will be fully available for people to walk up to without a mask on and hug him. Angi, on the other hand, is still waiting for her round and in the meantime, is having bad dreams. She was dreaming about work and a microphone that had things jumping out of it and into her mouth, though she was able to spit them out. Sidenote, Angi's a spitter, who knew. Ironically, Jason Brown was there as well and the same thing was occurring to him. However, he didn't spit them out which again, feels obvious but also almost shady in me saying it. Well whatever, let's take covid out of the Angi and Abe death pool and add in falling microphones.
Finally, let's talk about love and hate, as in things that you used to love when you were a kid that you now absolutely hate as an adult. A perfect example is the mail, remember how awesome it was when mail would come and you would run to the door to get it. Now as an adult you realize it's all bills and trash and you wonder the whole point of it. Remember how great swimming was until you now realize that the water is disgusting and filled with pee and bandaids. Angi had plenty to add to this topic. It started with carnivals and by extension, rides. She is terrified of the carny folk and rides make her nausea now. Angi used to love sweets as a kid, now her taste palate is all salty (there's a good joke here but I'm an adult.) Bill Cosby, he was so goddamn funny as a kid but as an adult, you realize he's a disgusting rapist. Abe used to love ketchup as a kid and now he loves filming his mouth with creamy white mayo. Turning to the roadies, Kara used to love her sister as a kid but now she can't stand anything about her. Sue used to be so into whipped cream and loved to eat it. Now she realizes that it is so gross and leaves a film in your mouth. Head Roadie Sandy used to love going to the dentist as a kid and now, she hates it. The realization of all the bills and upkeep, no thanks. Jade was a diehard forSesame Street, especially Elmo. As an adult, she sees how Elmo is the absolute worst. As for me, I used to love having friends as a kid and I wanted to amass an amazing amount. As an adult, I see how toxic most people I know are and honestly I can't stand being around them. As an extension to that, going out and doing stuff. I'd rather hang out around the house then go out and party every weekend because I'm old and I don't care anymore.
Request Wars:
Current Champion: Traci (1x)
Challenger Song Choice: "5 Minutes Alone"
Champion Song Choice: "Sleep Now in the Fire"
Observation: We got a story, 2 girls fighting over the Request Wars cup. Traci can bring the fire but hot god damn Rachel burned down the goddamn house. So good, so very good.
Winner: Rachel
Other Topics:
Guess what you guys, FOMO is slowly but surely going away. That's right, people no longer have to fear missing out on all the fun stuff that they could be doing but you know, the pandemic and all killed that. Instead though, a new fun symptom has taken over though. It's all fun and games until anxiety comes out to play with a barbed wire bat. That's right, people are getting weird about wanting to go outside after being stuck in the house for months on end. Seeing people feels even weirder, it's an uncomfortable sensation that no one seems to be ready for. This is good enough for Abe because he hates to do anything. Angi said that having kids is an amazing excuse to use as well to avoid having to do anything. For example, "hey sorry, I can't go outside tonight because my kid is handcuffed to a radiator." Unlike Abe though, Angi can't wait to go out and she is dying to finally go do something.
As I discussed earlier, Abe got his vaccination yesterday and you would know this by the way Abe is flaunting his sexy arm. He is a hot commodity now and he knows it. Ripped sleeves, ready to run out and rock and roll people. Somehow (and by somehow I mean on this show this is to be expected daily) we got off track and went into an old discussion from the other day about old men and what is in their pants. That's right, we were back on launch pads and big balls hidden in their bag. I know, it's weird, it's sus, it's probably super gay but let's just keep rolling with the punches. Because moving on from launch pads, we started talking about gunts. Women and their gunts, why there is so much of it, how men's junk looks like a gunt, you get the idea. Then it went to Angi's obsession,90 Day Fiancéand how Big Ed looks like Jabba the Hut. Then it turned to surgery you could have to remove your gunt. So basically, this is what we would call the random part of the show.
Lastly, let's talk about death. When he's dead (from a mayo induced coma that was prolonged when a microphone falls on his head in the studio,) he wants to be buried. First though, no money will be left behind when he is dead. That's right, no one is getting anything when he is gone. Angi does not want to be buried, she finds it to be gross, she wants to be cremated. Like, they could leave her ashes in a mausoleum so people could visit her. This probably has something to do with Abe mentioning that if she was in an urn at home, she would probably get knocked over in like a drunken fight. Anyway, this morbid moment is brought to you by viking funerals. They are currently legal in Colorado and are soon to be legal in Maine. Could you imagine that here though, a bunch of corpses on fire in Lake Michigan and then when you go swimming, you find half burned bodies all over the lake. That's right, summer is almost here so watch out for floating corpses.
10 o' Clock Toast:
Traci and Rachel. They killed it in the smack department and had 2 great songs.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Quote: "Oh, that's some big junk." - Abe
Quote: "He's (Pete Rose) going to die very soon, look at him, he's disgusting." - Abe
Quote: "You know Ron Santos had no legs" - Abe
Quote: "If you went to a morgue right now, there's bodies that look better than Pete Rose." - Abe
Quote:
"Hey, if you got big balls, call in." - Abe
"If you got low hanging balls, call in." - Angi
PSAbe: Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame.
New Head Roadie: Bob - Head Roadie of Crüeheads