This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Points:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
I'm going to start confused like Angi was this morning, she didn't know what day it is and honestly, neither do I. As is, in quarantine hell we've all lost track because each day blends into one another. Compound that with the fact that it continues to snow every day, there's always snow on the ground and it's cold as a frozen tundra, it's like Groundhog Day over and over. Come for the show, stay to avoid having to go outside to realize that it's Thursday but it could be any day of the week.
Let's begin with a message directed at "Abe's boy" Jay the Straight aka Angi's husband. Sir, it is with much peace and love, I have to let you know that Angi wants you out of the house. Not in a divorce type of way or sleeping out in the doghouse, no she is just sick of having you around. Precovid, when the world used to be normal, Angi would go to work, Jay the Straight would go to his office. It was a peaceful, normal harmony where no one was sitting on top of each other all day every day. Now that covid is the new reality, Jay the Straight is never at the office and when Angi rolls in half tipsy from work, mama simply wants to just take a three hour nap on the couch while Netflix playsBridgertonor some documentary. Instead though, when she gets in, he's there, waiting to be an attentive and amazing husband. Frankly, she is sick of it. She wants him to return to the office, just go away so she can have an hour to herself to sleep off that 10 o' Clock toast that started at 5 A.M. So, to you Jay the Straight, I implore you to run out the door and avoid this woman because we already have all the contestants lined up for the divorce contest.
Remember that game you played when you were a teen, where you discovered what your porn star name was by combining your first pet name with your childhood street name? If you didn't do it back then, I'm sure you have during one of those dumb BuzzFeed quizzes. For example, Abe would be Spooky Colemar and Angi would have been Rocky Pierce. Anyway, a new version of it has arrived because as we've seen too many times, apparently everything needs a reboot. This time around, it's the color of the underwear you're currently wearing and the last thing you ate. So, let's just go down the list shall we. Abe would be Black Chicken, Angi would be Commando Soup, I'm coming to the stage as Black Pizza. Of course, we had to hear from the listeners on this one so what other fun (see stupid, the original game is a ton better) did listeners have? Roadie Sean became the Blue Burrito. Kristin is a Cream Waffle Sandwich. Ivan has a Dark Gray Taco. Bill is now the Blue Flank Steak. Vinchenzo is Black Mac (& Cheese.) My personal favorite though goes to Kim on Instagram, who became Pink Oatmeal Creme Pie, which is also a category you can find on Pornhub I think.... Also, we learned during this that Angi apparently really has a thing for Rocky and boxers in general.
Finally, how do you feel about password sharing? Abe doesn't care (obviously) because he has nothing to hide. I still stand by Abe being the most vanilla person I know. If Cathy was to ask for his passwords though he would actually be annoyed. Now Angi, oh no child, you do not ask her for any passwords, she would be irritated if you do. So don't beg her for email access, don't ask to borrow her Netflix and most certainly don't beg for the password to her YouPorn premium account. On the flip side, she does not want any of Jay the Straight's passwords. Her thing is, she has a lot of male friends and she talks about a lot of stuff, both dirty and clean. You could though, if given to whims of fancy, take things she says completely out of context and read into anything. If you look at the texts Angi and Abe send each other, they could be perceived as dirty. The reality of it truly is if you're looking for something, you're going to end up finding it. Of people polled, 25% said they'd be willing to share their passwords after they were married. However, almost 50% of Americans have one secret account that they hide from their partner and 25% of men have a secret social media account. Roadie Tiffany called in to say that there should be no passwords and that if you date her, everything is fair game. Abe found this to be completely shady and called her out as such. In fact, he went as far as to say if you're reading people's messages, you're a loser. Caleb had a girlfriend who was cheating on him the entire time yet she wanted all of his passwords. I think roadie Tonya summed it up best though, if you need each other's passwords, then why bother being together. Might it also be noted, if you have a joint Facebook account, you're literally the worst.
Request Wars:
Current Champion: Brett (1x)
Challenger Song Choice: "Children of the Grave"
Champion Song Choice: "Bad Motor Scooter"
Observation: The smack talk was SO BAD. They need to take a class in talking crap, seriously. I don't even care about the songs, I hated the smack talk so much I didn't even vote.
Winner: Brett
Other Topics:
In today's edition of "This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things," the guy who became an internet sensation by accidentally becoming a cat is surprise, a scumbag. Way before he was the cool cat guy, he ordered a massive SWAT raid on a tiny head shop that essentially ruined this girl's life. Of course, it turns out that the guy had a brief sexual relationship with her when she was 18. Fearing for his, you know, honor or whatever, he decided to go after her. So as always, anything that seems fun or is interesting is dead now because the truth is the person involved is a scumbag. What we took away from all this and I guess the purpose of this whole point was Angi wants to join every Zoom meeting as a different animal from now on.
Moving on to a story that we started discussing yesterday, Abe is absolutely disgusted by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He still is mad about Iron Maiden and so this story did nothing to help quell his rage. Angi gave a list of bands that have been either overlooked or snubbed by the R&RHoF. Bad Company, Boston, Dave Matthews Band, Ozzy (as a solo artist,) Foreigner, Jethro Tull, Judas Priest, Kansas, Pat Benatar, The Scorpions, The Smiths (this is a literal crime imo,) Soundgarden, Styx, Sting (as a solo artist.) Abe furthered this list wondering where The Misfits were and why they are no in there. While discussing the fan vote, you know where people who actually visit this dump stand, it was noted that Tina Turner is currently leading followed by Foo Fighters. Abe once more got mad that Iron Maiden is not at the top of the fan vote list. He also doesn't care about Carole King. After Angi took a quick dig at Danzig, Abe doubled down on his complaint about The Misfits not being in.
Lastly, what a perfect way to cap off the show, discussing disgusting food orders. As we've heard plenty of times, Abe is all about faking his way through these orders. He will play make believe and pretend he is ordering for others by yelling into a phone or the background so the person serving him doesn't realize he's a slob. Angi, it turns out, does the same thing. She loves to get deep and dirty with big disgusting Grubhub orders and will yell in the background pretending that the food has arrived for others so she's not judged. I'm going to let everyone in on a little hint, no one cares. As someone who knows someone that works in the restaurant industry, they probably hate you and no matter what they serve you, they're going to judge you so suck it up.
10 o' Clock Toast:
Larry Flynt. The man with the gold wheelchair. Angi first saw a Playboy that was sitting on the toilet tank in the bathroom. Then she saw Hustler and wondered why a woman had a soup ladle in her vagina. RIP you sick bastard
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
PSAbe: Keep an eye on emails you get from Amazon, if it's from Amazon145x, it's a fake email.
Quote: "If you're one of those people who sends out vague messages on facebook and twitter, delete your account." - Abe
"Isn't it funny when vile people die?" - Abe
Abe Kanan Tip: if you deal with a liar, ask follow up questions
Quote: "What was my dad doing, was he giving himself a blumpkin?" - Angi