Call in Points:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
Winter is here, both literally as it is finally December and also literally as it is freezing cold this morning outside. Sure, we knew it was coming but ugh. Whatever, onward we march.
So, there was a lot of covid talk this morning (as there is every morning for the last 9 months or so) and it makes sense that it should all be wrapped up together. Do you like to party? You know who does, Angi. In fact, no one likes to party more than her but even she's smart enough to realize that a pandemic is occurring right now. You know who isn't, a group of 300 idiots who visited an underground pop up nightclub in Wicker Park (a neighborhood in Chicago for you out of towners.) This place had everything, no mask, no social distancing, sparklers. Anyway, the party was discovered and shut down while a flurry of violations and citations were levied at the building owner and organizers. As Angi put it best, if the rona didn't get you at this stupid mess, something else sure would have. Speaking of pandemic, it turns out that it is 2020's Word of the Year. No big shock with this one but read below if you're curious as to other big words of the year. Also, if you're looking for a little football, you're in luck. The Steelers and Ravens game has been rescheduled for Wednesday night. Weird though that they would push this game over but force the Broncos to play even though they were in dire straits as well.
Have you been longing for a vacation, to get away from the normal everyday mess? Well, if you listened in this morning, you were in luck. Abe took us on an unscheduled but much needed detour to DelusionalLand. You know, that theme park established inside of his head where things all make sense and are clearly right. Today's attraction was The Rock, err I'm sorry, I mean Dwayne as Abe refers to him. The focus started with the XFL, which Abe was telling his best friend The Rock that he needs to hire Snoop Dogg as an announcer for the league. It didn't end there, no Abe took us down a trip down memory lane, in which he described how the match that featured The Rock vs. Hollywood Hogan was essentially his idea. While cornering Hogan for 40 minutes inside of a studio at another station Abe worked at, he detailed how the match should go down. The Rock and Hogan would fight over who was really Hollywood, which in turn would develop into one of the greatest matches of all time. Since Hogan was in talks with Vince at the time, Abe surely knew that it was his pitch that made it happen (sure it could have been Vince, but it was definitely Abe.) Before shuttling us off and away from this mess, Abe also pointed out that every radio station he's ever worked at has gone out of business. Coincidence, who cares! Luckily, I have Angi's number so in case Abe somehow causes this to blink into reality, we can day drink and talk about hot men.
Lastly, Angry Bob finally checked back in. Correction, The Grinch finally called in after being MIA for some time. That's right, the Head Roadie of A'holes and the angriest listener we have got a new nickname after this week's surprise check in. Apparently, he had been emailing Abe but it was all going to his spam folder (no big loss there imo,) but it also led to a revelation. A ton of work email was also going to Abe's spam folder (and I'd assume those requests I sent that we start a business that somehow made us rich.) So what else did The Grinch have to mention in his call. Well, he had Thanksgiving dinner at his house and threw everyone out after 2 hours. He loves the cold weather because it makes others unhappy. He hates poor Conrad the weather man. Most important though, if he was given a piece of Rock 95.5 merch, he would wear it. Baby steps, small little steps from a giant angry man.
Other Topics:
So, how do you wake up? This isn't some open empty question, there's an actual curiosity here. Let's look at the contrasting mornings of Abe and Angi.
Abe wakes up, screams the F word, hits snooze, screams the F word some more, takes a shower, drives to work, gets a coffee from Dunkin. (Btw, I've known him for 12+ years, this is not even sponsorship, this is how he's always been.)
Angi gets up, doesn't hit snooze otherwise Jay the Straight would smack her, throws her hair in a bun and runs out the door. There is no lack of a shower, she just does it before bed since it relaxes her.
As stated in my previous point above, the word of the year was announced. Obviously "Pandemic" was going to be the clear winner of this dumpster fire of a year but what else was in contention and barely just missed it.
"Coronavirus" (I'd assume the many different variations on it killed that chance.)
"Defund" (Because we've been spending for far too long on things we don't need to.)
"Mamba" (RIP Kobe!)
"Karen" (This year's white woman in trouble!)
"Malarky" (Out of all the words, this to me seemed to be the one that belonged the least here.)
So, a body builder walks into a club and meets the love of his life. Nothing too exciting here, this sounds like some kind of typical Jersey Shore type mess. After snagging this girl away from her gaggle of friends, they enjoyed an intimate evening and ended up dating for 8 months. Well, they recently got married and had an amazing wedding. I mean all this seems harmless but you know, there's one little kink in all of this. The girl is a sex doll. That's right, this weirdo with friends who apparently are too shy to tell him he's nuts, married the sex doll he met at a night club. He even made an Instagram for her. This is peak 2020 imo. Abe made a point of saying if this happened to anyone he knew, he would support him to his face while bashing him in 7 text threads behind his back. So basically, he would be like everyone that Abe knows. Angi pointed out this is an #idealrelationship because she wouldn't talk back and as they say, #happywifehappylife.
Wanting to move, Abe found a condo that he likes and as a complete added perk, it's literally right across the street from Angi. Abe, being the perpetual loner, doesn't want to move in there because he'd be so close to her. He thinks that if she was near him, they would get stuck talking to each other more than they already do. Let's also overlook that the place is super cheap and it's a really nice place as well. In short, Abe just wants to avoid everyone or as he put it "I don't want to live anywhere where anyone I know can come over and knock on the door." Whatever Abe, this is just stupid and besides, Angi made him the greatest offer ever. If he did move across the street, she would walk around nude in the living room with the blinds open.
I know that there's a lot of notes here today but a lot happened so glad you've made it this far. In today's Drunk Ninja news, a Florida (of course it was) man named Paul got drunk at a bar on Saturday. They decided to stop him from driving home (thank god) and he didn't want to take a cab. He was coerced into the cab where he ended up punching the driver in the face, then getting out to dance in the street while yelling "White mfer's, I'm Rick James Bitch!" Let it be noted that he's 6'3, 300 pounds and white ... color me shocked. Abe once again declared that we should saw Florida off and I couldn't agree more.
Finally, Reddit users from outside the U.S. came up with a list of things they believed people in the U.S. could not live without. This list included but wasn't limited to "cheddar cheese," "jumbo everything," "not having a car," "air conditioning," (so true) "garbage disposals," (thank House Hunters International for that one) "Starbucks," and "toilet paper." The list brought forth of course a roundabout back to bidets. You know, the thing Abe suggests each house should have and he can't live without. That said, he gave us one Abe Kanan Tip to close out the day. Soap up your toilet paper, give a wipe and then use the bidet afterward.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
Tidbit: Abe learned that Angi wears new clothes without washing them.
Tidbit: Angi wants to have her own wine someday, a basic white wine she'd call The Karen. Abe, in turn, wants his own mayo one day.
Quote: "I know The Rock listens to the show, hey Dwayne" - Abe
Quote: "Do you know how much I've done for The Rock?" - Abe
Quote: "Every station I've worked at has gone out of business, this one won't though" - Abe
Quote: "I made The Rock's greatest match ever, it's because of me!" - Abe
Quote: "If you haven't moved on to a bidet yet, what's wrong with you?" - Abe